Understanding the Female Orgasm for a Better Sex Life

By Sara Rosen, LCSW, M.Ed

Think back to when you were a kid, what messages did you receive about sex? Were they overwhelmingly negative? Even if you were fortunate enough to have some semblance of sexuality education in school, it was likely far from comprehensive or sex positive. Traditional sex ed always splits up the boys and girls. The boys learn about erections and ejaculation, while girls are taught about preventing pregnancy and diseases. For most women, our introduction to sexuality is not focused on pleasure whatsoever, we learn about the “dangers” of our own bodies. We learn all about the procreative functioning of our bodies, but not how to experience all of the pleasure our bodies have to offer us. 

If you are confused about your sexuality and feel like you are missing something, it’s no wonder why! There have been dangerous misconceptions about female sexuality from the beginning of time. For example, let’s talk about Freud. While Freud is highly regarded as the father of psychiatry and human sexuality, he was pretty clueless when it came to female orgasm. In fact, his theories actually set back our understanding of female sexuality for generations.

 Freud confidently stated that girls have clitoral orgasms, and then mature into women who have vaginal orgasms. According to Freud, clitoral orgasms were a sign of sexual and psychological immaturity. Freud went as far as classifying adult female clitoral orgasms as an indicator of mental illness.  A woman who was unable to orgasm penetratively was seen as sexually inept. In reality, only about a fourth of women are able to orgasm via vaginal penetration.The vast majority of women prefer clitoral stimulation. When it comes to female orgasm, Freud likely did not leave his partners very satisfied. This mentality fostered a culture that normalizes faking orgasms. For many, this was/is a routine part of sex. 

Luckily, you can take agency of your sexuality and flip the script. Here are a few tips to get you started on your sexploration:

1. Get acquainted with your equipment. You can hold a hand mirror up to your vulva, or try squatting over a mirror if you’re able. It’s much easier to pleasure yourself and to walk someone else through pleasuring you, if you know what parts you’re working with. 

2. Try using toys. Work smarter not harder. You don’t need to give yourself a hand cramp when there are thousands of toys you can use that are specifically engineered to stimulate everything from your clitoris to your G-Spot. Explore what feels good, and then explore again!

3. Be vocal with your partners. Let them know what feels good, and what doesn’t. The worst thing you can do is fake an orgasm. Why? This conditions your partner to continue having the kind of sex that doesn’t necessarily get you off. This could be especially problematic with a life partner. 

4. Normalize talking about sex and masturbation with your friends. Seriously, women who talk about sex with their friends have better sex with their partners! You can experience tremendous sexual benefits just from normalizing sexuality with those around you. If your friends are shy about sex, try being the one to get the conversation started! Your friends may even thank you later. 

5. Orgasm isn’t the only measure of a sexual experience. Sex is a full body experience, our bodies are full of erogenous zones waiting to be explored. Stay in the moment and bask in what feels good, instead of focusing on what you think should be happening. 

6. Try something new! Whether it’s a new sex position or just trying out a new restaurant, nothing is more erotic than novelty. New experiences are sexy, even if they have nothing to do with sex!

7. To get yourself in the mood, try watching shows/movies that depict sex scenes. The more you expose yourself to sexuality, the more present sex will be on your mind. 

These are just a few tips to get you started. Remember that when it comes to learning about your sexuality, it is a journey not a destination. Like anything in life, our tastes change over time. The best thing you can do to keep your solo & partnered sex life exciting, is to stay curious!

Accepting The Way I Get Off

By Lauren Heller

I started masturbating at a young age. I would grind on the armrest of chairs and corners of beds. I didn't know what I was doing; I just knew it felt good. I remember trying to find a quick moment when the house was quiet, and my family was in another room of the house to do it. Sometimes I'd get away with it. Other times my parents would walk in and catch me. I would say, "I'm just doing my exorcizes." I don't remember them saying anything; I just knew I got caught doing something that felt awkward. 

When I heard how others masturbated, I remember feeling shame that I wasn't using my hand, and it was weird that I was grinding on furniture. I remember getting drunk at a college party and telling my best friends how I did it and how it felt like such a big deal to spill the beans about how I masturbated. They didn't react much, and I thought, "hmmm, maybe this isn't a big deal." 

As I got older, I started getting connected to my sexual truth. My sexual truth was to get off, I had to grind on furniture/pillows/toys, and I'm good with that. The more I learned about sex and the spectrum of ways people get off; I realized I didn't need to feel shameful around this. It's how I know how to give myself pleasure, and I really enjoy it. Accepting it also opens up a world of exploring pleasure for me. 

I share this personal story to help others not feel alone in their masturbation practices. I am a sex coach and often get asked if their masturbation practices are normal and healthy. I follow the six principles of sexual health to guide others into what's right for them. 1. Consent 2. Non-Exploitative 3. Honest 4. Shared Values 5. Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy 6. Pleasure. As long as these principles are kept in mind, you can jerk off any way you want! And accepting the ways you get off will open the door to more pleasure. 

About Lauren 

Lauren is a sex coach working diligently to break down the stigma around sex. She has been in the mental health space for four years now, shifting her focus from art therapy to sex coaching. Lauren helps women who want to get in touch with their sexual truth by guiding women to deepen their relationship with themselves by exploring what they want from sex. To discover and communicate their wants and needs while exploring their bodies. She is a guide for women to have the sex they deserve!

How to Connect with Lauren 

Instagram: Sexstuffwithlo

Web site: ohyeahcoaching.com

Work with Lauren: Sexual Truth Defined is a coaching program Lauren is currently offering, guiding women to define their Sexual Truth. Check out her website for more info. 

If you are looking for ethical porn, use my code XOLAUREN xoafterglow.com for 7 day free trial.

Squirting How-To

Female ejaculation or Squirting has something of a mythical reputation. In this explicit video guide, performer and squirting-enthusiast Kali Sudhra reveals the secrets of female ejaculation. From a brief history of squirting to debunking some annoying myths, finding your G-Spot and showing you the best techniques, positions and toys for squirting. If you are ready to lose your squirting virginity, prepare to wet your pants!

From Erika Lust



Five Masturbation Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence

By Alisha Fisher

Masturbation May is here, but for some folks, these keys to self love can be overwhelming or even triggering. 

Healing from sexual trauma can be a tumultuous process, filled with loneliness, confusion, and many unknowns or surprising road bumps. Research on sexual violence illustrates that survivors struggle with the post traumatic effects, and they can experience various sexual problems, involving sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

As a sexuality educator, and relationship coach that works with survivors of sexual violence, I see how diverse and difficult life and pleasure can become post-harm. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and confusion arise in my workshops, and coaching sessions. Some survivors experience hyper-sensitivity to their sexual regions, or their sex drive goes through the roof. While others navigate hypo-sensitivity (does not feel mucch) in their sexual regions, and lose their ability to become aroused or even interested in sex and/or intimacy.

I envision survivorship like a freeway… miles and miles long, with many on and off ramps. We are all on this healing journey, at various locations. While some of us may be coasting along in the fast lane, others may be at a rest stop. All these points in our survivorship path are justified, real, and absolutely necessary.

With this being said, the advice and guidance I provide here may not be a place on your healing freeway that you are willing to stop at. This is okay, and I support you in making it this far in the article. You are not alone in your journey.

Now, for those who are ready for some survivor self pleasure skills and strategies, let's get to it!

1) Prime the Space with your Sexy Favorite Things

One of the most common experiences I hear from folks venturing back into self pleasure mode, is that they are not feeling it or in the mood. Sure, you can read article after article describing the best positions, or must have sex toys… but all of that is meaningless if you do not have your head in the game *insert High School Musical reference*. According to the research, pleasant feelings like joy, relaxation, and enthusiasm can improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

My recommendations,

• Organize your self pleasure zone, such as making or un-making your bed, putting on your favorite music (or porn), get yourself a drink (water, juice, tea, or even an alcoholic one) and set it up in your favorite cup, locking the door, turning off your phone, all of these can be a start!

• Prepping the space with your favorite things helps bring your mind into the space, to really focus on the here and now. Prepping your space can help remove distractions, and make you a little more relaxed.

2) Get Your Senses Involved

Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing, and Taste- these senses are used by our brain to collect information about the world around us and inform the brain if this is safe or a sketchy situation. Connecting to our five senses can help survivors with navigating our experiences with dissociation, because it keeps us grounded and present in our pleasure space. 

My recommendations,

• Select a candle that will only be used as an indicator of self-pleasure time. Light, notice, and smell this candle before you settle into pleasure town. 

• Have a pleasure blanket that can be placed under you, or wrapped around you when you want to give yourself a hug. Personally, I love the big, fluffy, colorful blankets before and during, then I switch to a weighted blanket for aftercare

• Play some tunes that resonate with you, and bring you comfort. For some folks, this could be some chill lofi beats, classical vibes, throwbacks, or even some rock or metal music. 

3) Pleasure Map Your Body

Even though we are slathered with sexual images that situate pleasure as only arising from the genitals, this is far from the truth. Pleasure is not genital dependent! Our skin is our largest sex organ, and is filled with so many erogenous zones. 

My recommendations,

• Outline your body on a piece of paper (this can be on a notepad or life-sized), select three colors, one to represent no touch zone, one for a maybe under the right circumstances zone, and one for a yes, love this area to be touched zone. Creating this body-pleasure map helps you reflect on what pleasure means to different areas of your body, helps you with communicating (to yourself or your partner(s)) what areas of your body needs attention, and insights a little bit of creative discovery for yourself. Have you ever tried rubbing the back of your neck and playing with your hair as you pleasure yourself?

4) Play with Non-Phallic Toys and Textures

Sometimes our aversions to pleasure can come from our sex toys (dildos), reminding us of the person who harmed us. This is what I, personally, love about the Emojibator brand, there are so many products that are not phallic (penis) shaped, and incite a sense of playfulness and curiosity. 

My recommendations, 

• Try pleasure products that do not depend on penetration, such as Queeni Swan Finger Vibe

• If you're struggling with the lack of sensation in your pleasure zones, try a more textured toy, such as the Pickle Emojibator  

• Lube is your best friend. Lube can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, and lessens your risk of injury and skin irritation (try some lube on a small external area first to ensure it is the right kind of lube for you), take a look at these Emojibator lubes

  5) Reward Yourself

I have said it before, and I will say it again, self pleasure is the best pleasure. Heck, if you’re able to pleasure and love yourself the way you deserve then that deserves a treat, I mean… reward! Whether you are engaging in some, 

• Aftercare, such as holding yourself, practicing words of affirmation, replenishing yourself with food or a drink, or taking a deserved nap after your session, or

• A Debrief, such as creating a pleasure report card of things that you want more of, none of, or to improve on

You deserve to treat yourself for having the strength and vulnerability to rekindle your sexual sense of self.

Alisha Fisher is an International Award Winning Speaker, PhD Human Sexuality Student, and Relationship Coach, who has been involved with the field of Sexology and Sexual Violence for over a decade. She works with individuals and people in relationships to enhance their intimate lifestyles, as well as speaking on numerous panels and to communities about her role in creating more fulfilling relationships to ourselves and others. Her enthusiasm for combining research and trauma informed practices into sexual connection has been the driving force for her presentations, workshops and coaching sessions. You can connect with Alisha's services and social media accounts on her website InspireIntimacy.com

I Attended a Masturbation Party. Here's What it Was Like.

By Ryn Pfeuffer

Like many women, I grew up thinking masturbation was abnormal. Especially those of us who were caught and scolded. (See: Ms. Pfeuffer with the handheld shower head in the bathroom). I'd listen to Dr. Ruth Westheimer's radio call-in show, "Sexually Speaking," on my Sony Walkman under the sheets late at night, fascinated by s-e-x, but never got The Talk. The nuts and bolts of bodies and anatomy were never discussed, nor were the key pillars of puberty like periods, contraception, or sexual health.

According to the Kinsey Institute, only 40 to 60 percent of women masturbate, compared to 95 to 99 percent of their male counterparts. Sure, men have advantages when it comes to getting off. Society expects and encourages male masturbation, and it's much more obvious when they've come. Yet it is a highly stigmatized topic for women, still often considered something "good" girls don't do.

There's a party in Seattle – Myself! – that celebrates masturbation, no matter your gender. Before attending Myself!, I considered myself well-versed in kink events, sex parties, and you guessed it, masturbation. I've attended who-knows-how-many such events, both public and private, and have an extensive sexual resume. That said, I'd never been to an event that centers solely on self-pleasure. I was intrigued and bought tickets for me and one of my partners. 

 I admit I was nervous the night of the party. Dressed in a tight black dress and sky-high stilettos, I went armed with a bag of lube, condoms, and sex toys. The event started with a mandatory circle for all attendees to go over consent and some ground rules. I'd been to many kink and sex parties in this space and always felt safe. Still, there was something different about putting such an intimate act on display (and I'm a total exhibitionist). 

Usually, masturbation is frowned upon at kink and sex parties, unless consent is given by all parties involved. Like, under normal circumstances, it's a no-no to stumble upon a super-hot scene and start touching yourself. At Myself! though, a ménage a moi is encouraged. 

My partner and I sat off to the side for a while and watched the activity unfold. Male guests far outweighed the women – I was one of maybe six female attendees. When I finally worked up the nerve, my partner led me to a nearby chaise lounge. We started fooling around and a small crowd of men circled us. Some were pantless; others had a hand slipped down their briefs. The common thread was they were all intently watching us and stroking themselves.

At first, I was turned on by the attention. One guest commented on how my partner and I were so into each other. I reveled that our public display of debauchery was making dicks hard. We continued to kiss, suck, and touch each other until the crowd had tripled and closed into uncomfortable proximity. And then one guy asked my partner, "Is it OK if I touch her?" Oh boy, that was a total boner killer. Fortunately, my partner understands consent and personal agency, and replied, "You’ll have to ask her.” At this point, my mood shifted from hot and bothered to simply bothered. We decided to go home and have sex without a few dozen whipped-out dicks.  

In theory, I love the concept of having a dedicated space and event for communal bonding over self-pleasure. I masturbate virtually with a group of women every weekend via Zoom and can attest to how powerful and freeing it is to share the pleasure of masturbation. That said, I wish women better attended the event. I’m pansexual and sexually attracted to all genders. Also, I would have liked to see more mutual masturbation. Some of my most memorable sexual encounters have entailed no physical touch. I imagine a quick conversation about consent and boundaries could yield hot, hands-free sex with a stranger. Remember, your pleasure is critical to every sexual experience, no matter how casual or otherwise. Instead, most participants engaged in solitary play. Men, all cisgender, and I assume, straight, mainly kept to themselves, rarely interacting with other men. The majority of attention, unsurprisingly, focused on single women and couples. 

Sure, I may have gotten a little claustrophobic by a circle of cocks and a consent misstep. But at no time did I ever feel unsafe. I’ve had plenty of time to process the experience, have a better idea of what to expect, and would 100% go back in the future. But, next time, I’m going to bring some of my female sex-positive friends. 

Here’s to events and experiences that encourage people to take up space, ask for what they want, and prioritize their pleasure. Pleasure is my – and your – birthright. So, let’s celebrate it every chance we can.

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