How to Talk to Your Kids About Masturbation: A Parents Guide

Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexuality. It is something that people of all ages do, and as long as your are treating your body with respect, there is no wrong way to go about it. Let's discuss how parents can talk about masturbation with their children and provide some tips for sex-positive education.

Teaching young adults and teens about self-pleasure can be a difficult task, but it is important that they have accurate information about their bodies. As a parent, it’s only natural that you want to do everything you can to protect your children and ensure their safety and well-being. But did you know that one of the best things you can do for your kids is to educate them about self-pleasure?

That’s right! Sex-positive education is essential for young people. It helps them understand their bodies and make informed decisions about their sexual health. Furthermore, it can also help prevent problems like anxiety, depression, and addiction.

Here are some tips on teaching your kids about self-pleasure:

1. Be open and honest.
The first step is to be open and honest with your kids about self-pleasure. answer any questions they have honestly and without judgement. This will help them feel comfortable talking to you about sensitive topics like sex.

2. Use proper terminology.
When you’re talking to your kids about self-pleasure, be sure to use proper terminology. This will help them understand what you’re talking about and prevent confusion later on down the road.

3. Keep it age-appropriate.
When you’re teaching your kids about self-pleasure, be sure to keep the information age-appropriate. For younger children, this may mean simply explaining what self-pleasure is and why it’s important to do it in a safe place. For older kids, you can go into more detail about the mechanics of self-stimulation and how it can enhance their sexual lives.

4. Emphasize consent.
One of the most important things to emphasize when you’re teaching your kids about self-pleasure is consent. They need to understand that they should never touch someone else without their permission, and that no one should touch them without their permission either. This is an important lesson that will serve them well throughout their lives.

5. Be open to questions.
Finally, be sure to be open to questions from your kids about self-pleasure. They may have questions that you didn’t even think to answer, so it’s important that they feel comfortable asking them. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t worry! There are a handful of resources available online.

Additional Resources:

• Planned Parenthood: How do I talk with my elementary school aged child about sex and sexuality?

• sheknows: When (& How) You Should Talk to Your Kids About Masturbation

• LifeHacker: A Parent's Guide to Talking to Kids About Sex

Self-pleasure is an essential part of sexual health, but many parents feel uncomfortable discussing it with their children. However, by being open and honest with your kids, using proper terminology, keeping the information age appropriate, emphasizing consent, and being open to questions, you can teach your kids everything they need to know about self-pleasure in a way that is both informative and respectful. Don’t be afraid to start the conversation—it could very well be the best thing you ever do for your child’s sexual health!

Why Sexual Health Awareness Month Matters

Most of us are familiar with the health class scene in the 2004 movie Mean Girls when Coach Carr shouts, “Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up. Just don't do it, okay?” 

This comedic take is actually not far off from the mediocre sex education available in schools today. Without any federal law mandating sex education in the United States, it is left up to states and local legislators to establish sex education guidelines. Did you know that even in 2021 only 9 states require the importance of consent to sexual activity to be covered? 

Consent should not be considered an afterthought in sex education! It is the first & most important part of engaging in any form of sexual activity. American society continues to undervalue open, honest conversations about pleasure when we teach younger generations with fear-based messages, not factual knowledge.

“What about healthy decision-making in relationships? What about kissing? Is it normal to masturbate? Am I the only one of my peers who does this? Am I weird or am I a lot more normal than I realize?”

These are the kinds of questions everyday people have. And there is no shame in asking any of them. Yet, what credible resources or positive media messages are available to youth and adults alike? It can be difficult to find relatable, trustworthy information online or in the media about sex education. 

That’s why at Emojibator we are proud to celebrate World Sexual Health Day and Sexual Health Awareness Month, which happens every year in September. Sexual Health Month was established by the World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) in 2010 with the goal to improve sexual health awareness around the world and break the general taboo regarding human sexuality. Their first theme was “Let’s Talk About It!” with the idea to break taboos and talk about sex in new ways.

Like-minded companies are also taking the opportunity to celebrate. Plant-powered sexual wellness brand, Personal Fav Co., kicks off this month by encouraging its customers to communicate more with their partners, friends, and family. Their mission is to diffuse the shame and stigma around sex while empowering people to prioritize their pleasure. 

Besides, knowledge is power, and understanding the depth of human sexuality is more likely to benefit us than harm us, right?

4 Reasons Why Sexual Health Month Matters

• Because formally mandated sex education is limited. According to research conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, only 29 states in America, including the District of Columbia, mandate that sex education is taught in some form.

• Because even when formally mandated sex education exists, it still isn’t comprehensive. Research at the Guttacher Institute also shows that 19 states take an abstinence-only approach, stressing the importance of engaging in sexual activity only within marriage, and 17 states that require sex-ed programs to be medically accurate typically only focus on anatomy, reproduction, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

• Because our sexual knowledge should reflect the diversity of gender and sexual orientation. According to Gallup, 5.6% of U.S. adults said they are LGBTQ+, which is the highest percentage since the polling firm began tracking this in 2012.

• Because times are shifting to a digital age, we need to know how to navigate that. A study run by the Kinsey Institute shows that 52% of singles and daters say they are more likely to use online dating services and go on virtual dates, post-COVID.

Recognizing Sexual Health Month is pivotal for creating awareness around all factors relating to sexual health. Though our society has become more sex-positive throughout the decades, there’s still a need for increased sexual health education and awareness in the interest of responsible decision-making, better health, and improved quality of life.

Below are a few ways you can celebrate Sexual Health Awareness Month this year:

• Get tested for STIs. A great way for sexually active people to take ownership of their sexual health is to get tested regularly for sexually transmitted infections. Personal Fav co-founder Hannah Hutton notes, “Pleasure is on the ballot this year during midterms since the overturn of Roe v Wade so educate yourself how you can help those who do not have the freedom to their own body.” If finances are an issue, some Planned Parenthood centers offer STI testing for free.

• Visit a resource center for sexual health. There are organizations around the world that offer educational resources, workshops, research opportunities, and more! Two of my personal favorites are the Center for Positive Sexuality and The Pleasure Chest

• Try a new toy. When figuring out what your needs are in the bedroom, it’s a great idea to experiment. So, why not add a toy? Emojibator has various options from a Strawberry emoji vibrator and suction toy with 8 vibration and 8 suction settings or the small but mighty Tiny Wand vibrator with 10 powerful vibration settings. Pair these with Personal Fav’s water-based Whet lube, safe for use with silicone toys.

And remember, even though this September is Sexual Health Month, every day is a great time to prioritize your sexual health!

Written by sex blogger, intimacy & dating expert, and soon-to-be therapist, Tatyannah King

Masturbating 101: How To Use Toys

If you have a penis, you’re practically inundated with masturbation content. All your friends are talking about it, the school nurse teaches you about it, your priest warns you against it, and there is a never-ending stream of shitty dude movies with cheap wanking jokes. 

In comparison, female masturbation is never talked about. If it’s ever mentioned, it’s in hushed, shameful tones stating that girls don’t do “that”. That it’s not “proper”. That it’s not “normal”.

You probably know by now that it’s all bullshit and wanking won’t make you blind or give you hairy palms. You may have masturbated before, or maybe you’re just getting interested in adding some battery-powered friends to your repertoire. In fact, more and more people with vulvas are curious about using sex toys. Not just as a spicy way to enhance their sex lives, but on their own, for themselves and their pleasure only. 

When people say “treat yourself”, they’re not just talking about a big shop-up at Sephora. 

But if you’ve never tried masturbating with a toy before, all the different options may be intimidating. You click on a sex shop and there are monster cock vibrators, veiny dildos, glass tentacle dildos, weird suction toys, butt plugs, beads…and there’s dozens of each, at all different price points. 

Where do you start? How do you choose? And do you REALLY need a three-pronged giant purple dildo? 

Let’s do a quick and easy rundown on the basic toys for a beginner masturbator and how to use them.

Dildos

A dildo is essentially a penis replica. It can be made from silicone, glass, wood, metal, or other materials, but most are silicone or plastic. Dildos are usually some of the first toys people with vulvas pick up, but they can also be some of the most intimidating. 

When you go online and all that comes up is huge, veiny penises, it can scare you away. But the good news is that there are smaller, thinner, less explicit and more beginner-friendly dildos out there. 

The point is, a dildo doesn’t need to be aggressively phallic. It may even be something subtle you can safely leave around the house and no one will realize. 

How do you use them?

A dildo is a penetrative toy, so it is to be used internally. All you have to do is get into a comfortable position, lying down, sitting down, or kneeling – spreading your legs slightly helps – make sure you are aroused, and slowly insert the head of the dildo inside your vagina. 

Using lube is always a good idea, even if you’re self-lubricated enough. 

If you don’t meet any resistance, it doesn’t hurt, and it feels alright, then you can push further as deep as you can. You can start moving the dildo in and out in a way that feels good. You can try different speeds or different amounts of pressure. 

The point is for that friction to stimulate the G-spot. It’ll feel really good, and if you’re one of the lucky ones, you may even orgasm from this type of masturbation. 

Quick tip: Dildos can be pretty basic and replicating the shape of a real penis, or they can take some liberties and have ridges and nubs on them, or even be slightly curved, to stimulate your G-spot. Some of them look like they came straight out of tentacle porn. These “extras” can help you orgasm by stimulating your G-spot with more than just friction.

G-spot toys

A G-spot toy is a toy that is specially designed to stimulate your G-spot. Because of that feature, it will typically have a curved shape. G-spot toys can be dildos, vibrators – or wands. They’re kind of like skinnier dildos that are less about penetration, and all about hitting that G-spot.

G-spot toys, like dildos, can be made from plastic, glass, wood, metal, etc. Wands are usually glass or metal, but G-spot vibrators will usually be made from plastic. 

All the stimulation bits, like nubs, vibrations, special shapes, etc. will be concentrated in the bit that ends up rubbing against your G-spot. 

How do you use them?

A G-spot toy is a penetrative toy, just like a dildo. That means that you insert it in your vagina in the same kind of conditions as you would your fingers or a dildo. Sit in a comfortable position, spread your legs slightly, and make sure you’re properly lubricated. 

If you’re not sure where your G-spot is, it’s located on the front wall of your vagina. If you put your fingers inside and do a come-here movement, you should be able to feel that it’s slightly textured. This is what you’re aiming for.

Keep at it, and you may be able to turn this masturbation session into a happy ending.

Quick tip: Be aware of the fact that stimulating your clit can actually lead to a G-spot orgasm. The G-spot is actually part of the internal structure of your clitoris, so they’re very much linked. When you stimulate the clit, externally, it causes it to swell, making the internal G-spot more swollen and sensitive as well, and thus, more likely to be stimulated to completion. 

Vibrators

To put it simply, a vibrator is a sex toy that vibrates. Pretty easy so far. 

Vibrators are largely used as external toys, meant to stimulate your clitoris. However, there are varieties that are meant for internal use and penetration. Some combo toys have a dual purpose of penetration and clitoral stimulation, and they tend to be VERY popular. 

Vibrators can be battery-powered or they can plug into the wall. They also tend to offer different vibration intensity. You can’t fry your clit off, but you CAN desensitize it if you attack it with a vibrator that is too powerful. 

How do you use them?

A vibrator is, perhaps, even easier to use than a dildo. You just need to locate your clitoris – it’s above your vaginal entrance, above your urethra. It’s a small nub, and it may be hidden under a clitoral hood.

Found it? Good. 

Now, you can turn on your vibrator at the lowest intensity and start running it slowly over your clitoris. It should feel almost ticklish but in a really good way. You can move it in any direction you want that feels good, but most people with vulvas get good results with circular motions. 

If you’ve got the right combination of intensity + movement, you should feel the sensation building up into an orgasm. Congrats!

Quick tip: Where you place the vibrator depends on each person and their clitoris and how sensitive it is. Some people cannot stand direct contact, so they prefer indirect stimulation, by holding the vibrator next to their clit or wrapping the vibrator in a towel. Others need full-on maximum intensity. You have to play around to figure out your preferences.

Whatever toy you choose, do not use it without LUBE

The most important part of playing with toys isn’t the toy itself but making sure that there is enough lubrication going on. You may be very gifted in the self-lubrication department, in which case you may not need lube. 

However, it’s always better to be safe than sorry, so before you engage in any activities, open up your lube and cover both your toy and your genitals in it. 

No, I’m not kidding, make sure there’s lots of it. 

That way, you make sure that the toy is going to slip in with ease, without pain, and most importantly, without damaging your very sensitive genital tissue. 

Written by Deon Black of LetsTalkSex.net

How to Properly Clean Your Male Sex Toys

WENDY LU

Matie Fricker, 39, has a strict company policy: When customers return their sex toys, always wear gloves.

Fricker told Men’s Health that while most of her customers come into the store wanting to know how to take care of their toys, a few seem to lack any concern for sex toy hygiene. One of her customers was a long-haul truck driver who didn’t want to bother with cleaning his sex toy all the time. He wanted to know the "magic number of times he could ejaculate into a sex toy without it becoming dangerous for him to put his penis into the toy again,” she recalls.

Shockingly, this truck driver is not alone. Only 57% of men clean their sex toys after they use them, according to a 2017 survey by adult superstore Adam & Eve. More than a third of men never clean their sex toys at all. That's a big problem, because experts say that failing to wash sex toys, especially porous toys like the Fleshlight or other strokers, can have some alarming consequences.

For men, using the same sex toys without washing the semen off afterwards can lead to skin and yeast infections. Men with uncircumcised penises may be more likely to get yeast infections because bacteria can get trapped under the foreskin. Over time, that bacteria grows and can travel into a man’s urethra, the part of the penis that carries semen.

“You’re injecting 98.6 degrees of semen into the toy. That’s just the stuff that life grows out of,” Fricker says. “And when semen leaves the the body, it ejects at 28 miles per hour. There’s a lot of biological matter that is ‘hot in the pocket,’ so it’s just a recipe for bacteria to grow.”

Some sex toys are easier to clean than others. Non-porous toys such as glass butt plugs and stainless steel dildos don't absorb any fluids, so they're easy to rinse off with soap and water. On the other hand, porous sex toys like masturbation sleeves and cock rings are softer and more elastic, so they have microscopic pores that can absorb pretty much anything, including bacteria.

“Sex toys can actually degrade over time if they are not cleaned properly and become less effective and not so pleasurable,” says Andy Durham, 35, co-founder of Toys 4 Naughty Boys, a supplier of men’s sex toys and equipment based in Devizes, the United Kingdom. To make matters worse, you might not notice it right away — and the idea of using a dirty sex toy and inserting that same bacteria back into your body over and over again is, well, not exactly sexy.

So how often should you actually wash your sex toys? Fricker and Durham recommend cleaning your sex toys after every use. Durham adds that sex toys with hard-to-reach crevices or toys you “insert where the sun doesn’t shine” — AKA your butt, which is laden with fecal matter and other bacteria — may require additional cleaning time. Durham suggests washing toys with a mild soap and water or an antibacterial sex toy cleaner (no harsh ingredients, although all-natural toy cleaners are ideal).

Fricker’s teaching philosophy for clients? Never put your penis any place that you wouldn’t want to touch with your mouth, and treat your sex toy as you would any other expensive item.

“If you're going to buy a really nice computer or video game, you're going to buy everything you need to take care of it, too," she says.

Goddess Night: A Bath Time Ritual of Self-Love

By Melissa Vitale

It’s no secret that when you take some extra time to focus on your own needs and comfort, you operate better as a whole. When we perform self-care, the attention we give ourselves helps us address the concerns and problems punctuating the long days of the week.

One of the staples of my own self-care routine is a bath time-experience so luxurious and nourishing to my mind, body and mental state that it deserves the term “Goddess Night.”

Like the early 2000’s Venus commercials, I truly believe that every woman has the potential to be a goddess. As my dear friend, lifestyle and professional Domme Goddess Aviva says, a Goddess is “a woman in touch with her divinity, who expects the best in life, and then betters herself to get it.”

It’s easy to feel like a Goddess when everything is going your way in life. But crushed under the stress and anxiety caused by work, financial struggles or a recent relationship severance, it can be difficult to find sexual confidence and personal empowerment. Especially when our bodies are suffering from aches, tension, and other physical tolls, vivacity and divinity seem impossible to achieve. Often times, the difference between feeling radiant and confident or sluggish and self-conscious is a stringent routine of pampering deserving of a deity.

For many goddesses, a night of rigorous self-care and self-love can be the difference between stressing over the small details and confidently conquering the day. A goddess truly cares for herself and spends time showing herself that. What better way than a luxy bubble bath complete with total mind, body and soul spoiling?

Below is the perfect recipe for A Mystical Bubble Bath that will reveal your inner goddess through pampering, intentional self-pleasure, energy cleansing and relaxation:

PH-Balanced Bubble Bath

I’ve come across many who have dubbed “bubble baths” adolescent, but in reality it can be luxurious, exfoliating, soothing and hydrating for skin as well as flooding the senses with transporting smells. The one difference about bubble-bathing as an adult woman, is that if you use a harsh soap on, or in this case, in the water around your vagina, you’re at risk of messing with the PH, which can lead to yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis. I’ve found that “By women, for women” companies are typically the best for anything that is going near a vagina, and Pure Romance is no exception.

Their entire line is female forward, but while I’ve seen competitors’ products, Pure Romance is the only brand  that I have seen who have a PH-balanced bubble baths and for any yeast-infection prone, bath-obsessed woman, it’s a necessity.

https://www.pureromance.com/shop/bath-beauty/bath-shower/skinny-dip-exotic-jewell

Crystals to Cleanse Sexual Energy

I had my first sip of the “Crystal Koolaid” the first time I came with a rose-quartz dildo and now I feel an obligation to my body to rid the negative energy from it regularly. Between inconsistent lovers, the stress of work, and the fuckboys that run rampant in NYC, I notice that tension and stress can build up and prevent me from achieving the best release. Incorporating crystals into my masturbation has helped reduce that. I’m no scientist, so it may be just a placebo effect, but either way I feel lighter, more loving and happier after each time I use crystals inside me.

For the bathtub, I recommend a yoni egg as a bubble bath is a great time to get in touch with your sexual energy and become more in tune with your body.

http://www.chakrubs.com/amethyst-egg/

Vibrator

Self-love is essential for getting in touch with your inner Athena. Like many women, I need vibrations to reach orgasm. The Emojibator is small enough to fit in the pocket of my bathrobe and is waterproof so I don’t need to worry about it shorting mid-soak.

https://emojibator.com/products/emojibator

Bath Soak

I’m a total grandma for using this brand, but you can buy it in bulk at CVS, and for someone with a soaking tub, it’s not easy to keep stocked on the good stuff from Manhattan boutiques. I love Dr. Teals because it truly helps your muscles and the salts make your bathroom smell of de-stressing aroma. I’m also a huge believer in the benefits of Himalayan salts and will put Himalayan anything in my tub.

Dr. Teals Via Target

Sexy Vibes

There are few things that make you feel as sexy as luscious beats while being caressed by hot, soapy water flooded with bubbles. The right soundtrack can be the difference between awkwardly sloshing about in your tub to feeling like a queen in a captivating soak. The music allows you to take your mind off your other stresses and instead focus on the pampering you desperately deserve.

The best source of sexy beats: NSFW’s Soundcloud.

https://soundcloud.com/wearensfw

Crystal Smoking Accessories

Honestly, there’s nothing better than smoking in the bathtub, and I have lost count of how many perfectly good spliffs I have dropped in the tub with me. Because I typically keep a handful of crystals by my bathtub, this fits perfectly in with the crystal-theme of bathtime without ruining a full joint if my bubbly fingers turn slippery.

https://cosmicartillery.com/products/rose-quartz-crystal-pipe-1

Sage to Cleanse Toxic Energy

One of the first times I met Sophie Saint Thomas, she told me a story that involved a bubble bath, post-breakup cleansing rituals and sage that inspired me to go to Catland and pick up a bundle of white sage the next day. Ever since, I burn sage before each and every bubble bath. Maybe it’s the Italian in me, but I clean my tub before taking a bath (and I recommend you too), the sage is the final way to cleanse the bathroom and set  the mood of clean energy, rid of the stress of a normal day.

http://www.catlandbooks.com/shop/white-sage-bundles

Candles

One of the best things I’ve ever done for my bubble baths was incorporate crystal healing and aroma through a variety of products, including the placebo effect from burning the crystal line of candles from DW Home (jury’s still out if there’s a healing component or not). When I am de-stressing and pampering myself, I like to overwhelm my senses with relaxing and captivating scents that transport me far from my everyday stresses. With candles by the bathtub, I can dim the lights to set a more smoldering and tranquil atmosphere.

https://www.dwhome.com/products/sparkling-amethyst

Alright, get to bubble-bathing my budding goddesses; even sinners need to cum clean.

Understanding the Female Orgasm for a Better Sex Life

By Sara Rosen, LCSW, M.Ed

Think back to when you were a kid, what messages did you receive about sex? Were they overwhelmingly negative? Even if you were fortunate enough to have some semblance of sexuality education in school, it was likely far from comprehensive or sex positive. Traditional sex ed always splits up the boys and girls. The boys learn about erections and ejaculation, while girls are taught about preventing pregnancy and diseases. For most women, our introduction to sexuality is not focused on pleasure whatsoever, we learn about the “dangers” of our own bodies. We learn all about the procreative functioning of our bodies, but not how to experience all of the pleasure our bodies have to offer us. 

If you are confused about your sexuality and feel like you are missing something, it’s no wonder why! There have been dangerous misconceptions about female sexuality from the beginning of time. For example, let’s talk about Freud. While Freud is highly regarded as the father of psychiatry and human sexuality, he was pretty clueless when it came to female orgasm. In fact, his theories actually set back our understanding of female sexuality for generations.

 Freud confidently stated that girls have clitoral orgasms, and then mature into women who have vaginal orgasms. According to Freud, clitoral orgasms were a sign of sexual and psychological immaturity. Freud went as far as classifying adult female clitoral orgasms as an indicator of mental illness.  A woman who was unable to orgasm penetratively was seen as sexually inept. In reality, only about a fourth of women are able to orgasm via vaginal penetration.The vast majority of women prefer clitoral stimulation. When it comes to female orgasm, Freud likely did not leave his partners very satisfied. This mentality fostered a culture that normalizes faking orgasms. For many, this was/is a routine part of sex. 

Luckily, you can take agency of your sexuality and flip the script. Here are a few tips to get you started on your sexploration:

1. Get acquainted with your equipment. You can hold a hand mirror up to your vulva, or try squatting over a mirror if you’re able. It’s much easier to pleasure yourself and to walk someone else through pleasuring you, if you know what parts you’re working with. 

2. Try using toys. Work smarter not harder. You don’t need to give yourself a hand cramp when there are thousands of toys you can use that are specifically engineered to stimulate everything from your clitoris to your G-Spot. Explore what feels good, and then explore again!

3. Be vocal with your partners. Let them know what feels good, and what doesn’t. The worst thing you can do is fake an orgasm. Why? This conditions your partner to continue having the kind of sex that doesn’t necessarily get you off. This could be especially problematic with a life partner. 

4. Normalize talking about sex and masturbation with your friends. Seriously, women who talk about sex with their friends have better sex with their partners! You can experience tremendous sexual benefits just from normalizing sexuality with those around you. If your friends are shy about sex, try being the one to get the conversation started! Your friends may even thank you later. 

5. Orgasm isn’t the only measure of a sexual experience. Sex is a full body experience, our bodies are full of erogenous zones waiting to be explored. Stay in the moment and bask in what feels good, instead of focusing on what you think should be happening. 

6. Try something new! Whether it’s a new sex position or just trying out a new restaurant, nothing is more erotic than novelty. New experiences are sexy, even if they have nothing to do with sex!

7. To get yourself in the mood, try watching shows/movies that depict sex scenes. The more you expose yourself to sexuality, the more present sex will be on your mind. 

These are just a few tips to get you started. Remember that when it comes to learning about your sexuality, it is a journey not a destination. Like anything in life, our tastes change over time. The best thing you can do to keep your solo & partnered sex life exciting, is to stay curious!

How to Talk To Your Daughter About Masturbation

SUZANNAH WEISS

Discussions of sex between parents and children are often limited to the awkward “birds and bees” talk, if they happen at all. But if parents want their daughters to expect equality in their sexual relationships, they need to be the ones to teach them this — because as it stands, they’re not learning it elsewhere. In mainstream porn, 78 percent of men but only 18.3 percent of women are shown reaching orgasm, according to an analysis of Pornhub’s 50 all-time most popular videos. And students likely aren’t getting information to counter porn in school. Only 24 U.S. states even require sex ed, and 26 require that abstinence be stressed. So, the task of teaching kids healthier ideas about sexuality often falls on parents.

One conversation in particular that can make a big difference is around women and masturbation. Most women discover masturbation by age 18, yet many feel as if they’re abnormal for doing so. By helping their daughters feel comfortable with masturbation, parents can not only reduce women’s sexual shame but also teach them to value their pleasure.

“Masturbation is one of the most reliable ways to be able to experience pleasure with other people,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, adjunct professor of human sexuality at NYU. Emojibator Co-founder and CMO Kristin Fretz agrees. “[Parents] are not telling their daughters about masturbation, and they’re just really ignoring a part of our growing body,” she says. “It’s dangerous not having that conversation because then that young girl has to rely on her external community.”

How do you approach that conversation, then? Here are some tips for discussing masturbation with your daughter.

1. Don’t Shame Her For Masturbating

One of the most impactful things you can do to instill sexual self-confidence in your daughter requires no action on your part. Simply allow her to explore her body and express an interest in sex, which she will probably do without any encouragement. “Research shows that the vast majority of kids will touch their genitals very early on,” says Vrangalova. “As soon as they can manipulate their hands, they put them on their genitals.” Many parents’ knee-jerk reaction is to tell their kids to stop this or move their hands away, but by doing so, they plant the seeds of sexual shame in their children. Discouraging female masturbation also “perpetuates the patriarchal notion that sex is something women do for men and not for themselves,” Vrangalova adds. If your child touches themselves in public, you can tell them to save it for their bedrooms or bathrooms, but don’t talk about it in a fearful or punishing tone.

2. Tell Her It’s OK and Normal

What should you say, then? If you know your daughter masturbates, simply telling her that it’s perfectly normal can go a long way to combat other messages she might receive about it, says Vrangalova. “Say, ‘it’s fine to do these kinds of things. It can help you figure out what you like and don't like. There’s nothing shameful about it.’”

3. Explain the Benefits

It’s completely your daughter’s choice whether she masturbates or not, so instead of telling her to do it, explain what the benefits are. “Come at it from a purely educational standpoint and not a judgmental one,” Fretz advises. “For instance, just share the fact that orgasms can reduce period cramps and help you sleep better. There's just scientific benefits to doing it, and if [parents] can talk about it in an informational way of ‘I just want to give you this knowledge, do with it what you will,’ it doesnt have to be a forceful conversation of ‘you have to do it this many times a week.’”

4. Talk About It Whenever It Comes Up

Instead of having one big “birds and bees talk,” Vrangalova suggests talking to your daughter about masturbation whenever you see her doing it, it comes up on TV or in a movie, or she has a question about it. “It’s a long, slow process,” she says. “It has to be an ongoing conversation, not just about masturbation, but about anything sexual. If you position yourself as someone who is not shying away from those kinds of questions, kids will come to their parents with questions.” Vrangalova doesn’t believe any age is too early to begin talking to your daughter about masturbation, but Fretz recommends making sure you’ve at least done so by the time she’s 18.

“This might be uncomfortable, just like the birds and bees talk,” says Fretz. “But part of a woman's life is to have control over your body and to know what it needs and to know what you desire sexually. We should be supporting young women to just feel confident in their own bodies and feel confident to make decisions about their bodies.”

How CBD Improved My Mindful Masturbation Practice

By Shani Hart

Choking the chicken. Rubbing one out. Spanking the monkey. Visiting the bat cave (which is my personal favorite). Whatever you call it- Guess what? It’s your month!

If you’re someone that has their ear to these sexuality streets you already know that the whole month of May is dedicated to masturbation! If you didn’t know…you’re welcome!

But the thing is, everyone’s not “good” at masturbating. Fix your face, let me explain. I used to be un-good at masturbation. I wasn’t receiving the pleasure that I knew was possible. While masturbating I was thinking about my grocery list, how I was going to clap back to a snarky comment someone left on my IG, or some other random tidbit that occupied my mind at that moment. I wasn't focused on the pleasure. I wasn’t connected to my body. I was too in my head.

And the pandemic made it even worse, giving me more things to think about.

If this sounds like you, keep reading. 

The Number One thing that helped me masturbate more intentionally was Mindfulness. When I first heard of mindfulness I thought, this is just some other WooWoo thing the woowoowers are trying to have catch on! It’s not like that. You don’t need to burn incense, cleanse your chakras, or meditate. I don’t do any of those things, I just practice focusing. Mindfulness is the act of focusing on the task at hand. In this instance we’re talking about masturbation, but I really didn’t get the full effect until I also started practicing it outside of the bedroom and setting up certain mindful practices. 

Here are some mindfulness practices in and out of the bedroom you can start doing today. Start off by picking just one and move on from there. We don’t want you overthinking mindfulness!!

During Masturbation:

• Concentrate on your breathing. How does the air feel going inside of your body? Pay attention to the body parts that rise and fall with each breath.

• Tap into your sense of touch. This is usually the sense that we use the most during masturbation. What part of your body responds to what touch? 

• Actually concentrate on the feelings of pleasure. We can spend a lot of brain power focused on the orgasm which is really counter productive. Our bodies need to take over and be in a relaxed state to get to orgasm. 

In Your Everyday Life:

• While eating instead of zoning out or watching TV, take time to focus on the food. What are the different textures, flavors, temperatures of the food? For me, it actually makes everything taste that much better!

• Brushing your teeth only takes two minutes but when have you paid attention to what you are really doing in your mouth. Brush each tooth and see how each tooth feels when it’s brushed. Feel how fresh your mouth feels after.

• If you’re like me and take walks often while listening to music and zoning out you could miss a lot. Pay attention to how your feet feel when they hit the pavement. What are all of the smells going on? How do your muscles feel while walking? 

Now, even for me, sometimes mindfulness is still a whole mission that I struggle with during masturbation. What has helped me is the addition of CBD. It’s actually the reason I founded my sensual CBD company, The Noir Leaf. I’ve always had a high level of anxiety that impacted different parts of my life, including my sex life. All CBD products are legal in most states, so it’s a great accessible natural approach to calmness. Unlike its cannabis cousin, THC, it won’t get you high but is a great addition to your mindfulness practices. Without getting sciency, CBD helps relax your mind, increase focus and alleviate anxiety by naturally working with different parts of your body to invoke calmness. There are different CBD products to choose from and each has a different amount of time that you’ll need to pre-game before your self-pleasure session.

• The fastest method of consumption would be smoking. When you inhale, the CBD is taken in through your lungs and absorbed into your bloodstream. Within minutes you could feel the wooosah. Find pre-rolls and flower here. My favorite is the Carnal, which has the addition of erotic herbs. Owwww!

• CBD oil taken sublingually (under the tongue) is the next fastest method of consumption. You should take this at least 20 minutes beforehand.

• Eating an edible CBD product is going to take the longest. It has to be metabolized through your digestive system which could take at least 45 minutes before you feel the effects. Find all of my gummy varieties Here. 

Relax and don’t judge yourself. Add some CBD to your sensual routines. Don’t be intimidated by mindfulness, and remember to start off with one practice so you don’t overwhelm yourself! 

If you have any more questions about CBD and mindfulness I have more great information on my website and follow me on IG @sexstuffwithshani. 

Top 10 Tips for Self-Pleasure After Sexual Trauma

By Marlee Liss

For survivors of trauma, solo sex can feel more like pressure than it does pleasure (and not in a fun way). We may associate certain types of touch with trauma or we may feel disconnected from our bodies completely. 

While sexual intimacy may feel intimidating or triggering after trauma, solo sex can offer powerful grounds for reclamation. If we approach self-pleasure in a loving and intentional way, we can use it as a practice to bring us out of dissociation and into embodied presence. We can get to know our likes and dislikes. We can learn to build new associations between touch and arousal, rooted in empowerment and full-hearted choice. 

For myself, masturbation was and continues to be an incredible part of my healing and empowerment process after trauma. In my work as a sensuality coach rooted in somatics, I support women and non-binary folks in this very reclamation. Mindful erotic practice (aka mindful self-pleasure) often lives at the centre of these teachings. So, here are my top 10 tips for survivors of sexual trauma exploring self-pleasure. 

1. Commit to enjoying touch rather than enduring: This intention offers us a compass for what sensations and experiences we want to move towards or away from. Holding this standard affirms our right to feel good and can help override habitual touch that may come from conditioning rather than choice. If we find ourselves enduring touch, we get to practice honoring our limits and boundaries by slowing down, changing our approach or stopping.

2. Use breath to stay in embodied presence: Slow, deep belly breathing can change our experience of self-pleasure in countless ways. This is because when we are in crisis mode, we breathe high into our chests at a quick pace, which lets the brain know that we are in danger. In contrast, when we breathe slowly and deeply into our bellies, our brains receive the message that we are safe to relax and enjoy. Breathe in this way to affirm your safety and to help regulate your nervous system.

3. Play with light physical movement: It’s common for survivors of trauma to experience dissociation or freeze response regularly. This experience can be heightened during sexual intimacy and we may feel ourselves numbing or ‘checking out’. Light physical movement is one of the best ways for us to complete stress response cycles and stay present in our bodies. You can play around with this by weaving subtle movements into your self-pleasure. Ie. lengthening and contracting your spine, curling your toes, gently shaking your hips.

4. Commit to your learning zone: This is one of the most important ones. We are in our comfort zone when we are completely relaxed and without much stimulation. The comfort zone’s opposite is known as the panic zone, in which we’ve gone way beyond our limits and may experience a full blown trauma response, hyperstress and dysregulation. Our learning zone lives right at our sweet spot, in-between these two. We are in our learning zone when we find balance between expanding comfort zone while honoring limits. Finding and committing to your ever-changing learning zone catalyzes experiences of care, pleasure and healing.

5. Use sound to stimulate the vagus nerve: The vagus nerve system is like our body's secret weapon to counterbalance fight or flight. There are so many ways to stimulate the vagus nerve, which can trigger a relaxation response in our bodies. One simple way to do this is by making sound (ie. moaning, humming, vowels, words). Hearing the sound of your own voice during self-pleasure can support you in shifting out of dissociation and into somatic (body-based) awareness, while stimulating a relaxation response.

6. Learn about and validate experiences of hyper or hyposexuality: Remember that everybody processes trauma differently. For some survivors, hypo-sexuality occurs after trauma in which there is an aversion to sexuality. For others, hypersexuality occurs after trauma, in which there are compulsive, difficult to control sexual behaviours and fantasies (Check out my podcast episode on this topic with EMPWR here).. When we lack understanding about why these trauma responses come to be and how common they actually are, it is easy to shame or judge ourselves. Learning about the function and frequency of these mechanisms can offer a powerful doorway to self-compassion.

7. Ask yourself, ‘what would actually bring me more pleasure right now?’: The combination of surviving trauma and receiving little to no adequate sex education leaves many of us lost and confused. Most of us turn to pornography or the media to seek out sexual scripts, hoping to find something like a manual to orgasm. But remember, our bodies are not machines. What works for one person, may not work for another. So, rather than leaning into these scripts and trying to figure out what someone else says you should do - try asking your body what you actually want to do. Let your pleasure and sensation be your compass for touch. 

8. Cultivate a mindful self-pleasure practice: Rather than approaching masturbation as something to do when you're horny or just because you should, make it a consistent and intentional practice in your life. We all understand the concept of mapping out quality time in our relationships with others. Well, this practice offers an opportunity to do the same thing with yourself. Schedule time for your self-pleasure sessions and do your best to be intentional, attentive and present with yourself - the same way you would want to be with a partner.

9. Bring in toys and vibrators: Remember that self-pleasure is meant to be fun and well, pleasurable! Bringing in toys and vibrators to spice things up can be exciting and can support us in staying curious and present within our bodies. The different sensations and experiences that toys create may have less triggering associations with certain types of touch and that novelty can enhance a sense of safety. Similar to number 7, toys that spark novelty also help break up habitual approaches to masturbation and can bring us into deeper familiarity with our true likes, limits and desires.

10. Balance enjoyment with eagerness: When it comes to arousal - and most things in life - we tend to oscillate between enjoyment and eagerness. Enjoyment is all about appreciating the pleasure we’re already experiencing while eagerness is about feeling excitement based on what is to come. Neither is better than the other, but our future-focused, capitalist culture does constantly reinforces eagerness while completely neglecting enjoyment. For this reason, most of us feel way more eagerness than we do enjoyment. Bringing these two forces into balance is key. While exploring self-pleasure, do your best to notice and appreciate what already feels good and work on giving yourself permission to enjoy that sensation.

These ten tips for self-pleasure after trauma offer a potent foundation for reclamation through solo sex. Remember to honor your pace and to lean into support as much as possible. No matter what you’ve been through, you are capable and worthy of reclaiming pleasure in a way that feels authentic to you. Know that as survivors, our pleasure is a radical and we deserve to feel beautiful, safe and powerful within these bodies.

Marlee Liss is a queer, Jewish author, restorative justice advocate, award-winning speaker and somatic sensuality coach. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Huff Post, Buzzfeed, Mel Robbins Show and more.  If you’re looking for support around your own journey with sensual reclamation, transforming trauma and claiming embodied pleasure, you can learn about Marlee’s coaching programs and book a Free Connect Call with her/her team at www.marleeliss.com/SWA - You can follow her on IG @marleeliss,  tune into her podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts at ‘The Sensual Revolution’ or dive into her Free Training on Sensual Self-Love & Embodied Safety at marleeliss.com/freetraining

Innovating in Masturbation

Many studies have proven the benefits of masturbating for men; it reduces the risk of prostate cancer, it prevents erectile dysfunction, reduces stress and anxiety and it helps to improve ejaculatory control. This means that masturbation is more than playing with ourselves to reach climax, it is also part of a healthy sexual life. It allows us to better understand our pleasure, likes, and rhythms and also becomes a helpful way to discover how to enjoy a sexual relationship with a partner. 

1 - Masturbation for therapeutic purposes

Did you know that you can learn new skills in bed while masturbating? MYHIXEL has created a methodology that helps men improve their ejaculatory control. It consists of an app that shows men new behavioral strategies during masturbation and put them in practice with a medical pleasure device — with the goal to teach men to know their bodies during the sexual process and learn how to control ejaculation. Thanks to this program, men not only enjoy masturbating but can also experience a clear therapeutic purpose. Improvement and learning can come in two forms, helping with premature ejaculation with MYHIXEL MED methodology, or learning new skills in bed with the solution MYHIXEL TR, which is for all men who more generally want to control climax and decide when to ejaculate.  

2 - Masturbate with lubricants (and oils): 

Using lubricant prevents irritation of the genitals that can be caused by friction, and can also provide a different pleasure experience. Lube can be used to seek out new sensations like warm or cold, depending on the lubricant you choose.

3 - Try new techniques of masturbation

Get out of your routine! Trying new techniques is the best way to explore your body's feelings and experience new pleasures. Try using both hands, changing the rhythm, playing with the top of the penis…there are many different ways to masturbate that will make you enjoy it to the fullest.

4 - Try new places and times of the day

Changing your scenery can provide fresh ideas and different sensations. If you always masturbate in your room, maybe try doing it in the shower, on the sofa, or any place where you can feel comfortable and relaxed. Also try different times; if you usually masturbate at the same time of the day, try another time! Do you prefer mornings or before going to bed? Have you tried it after lunch? Masturbating during the day can be a good moment to relax before continuing with your daily routine.

5 - Mastrubating beyond the genitals

Men’s masturbation can go further than only stimulating the genitals (penis / tesitcles). The infamous male "G-spot", is an area only about 5 cm from inside the anus, towards the front—also known as the prostate. Stimulating it can be carried out with your fingers, with a toy, vibrator, etc. (just be sure to lube up first!). Try adding a little prostate play into your routine and see if you enjoy it. Otherwise, the perineum (the area between the anus and the scrotum) is often overlooked but has plenty of pleasure-inducing nerve endings. Trying adding a little pressure there while masturbating

MYHIXEL (the brand focused on male sexual wellness) is bringing ideas to innovate in masturbation for men this Masturbation May—because there are many ways to enjoy masturbation as part of our overall sexual health.

HOW TO HAVE YOUR FIRST PROSTATE ORGASM

If you’ve ever spent some time on the internet looking at a decent amount of porn, you may have come across the phenomenon of prostate orgasms in men. Whether you’re sexually attracted to men or not, the spectacle of a man’s body shaking around in orgasmic pleasure is surely a sight to behold. “How can that be me? I want to feel sexual pleasure that intense!” I hear you say…

Prostate orgasms can cause men to have multiple orgasms, something which we thought was limited to women for the longest time. Not only can prostate orgasms occur several times in a row, but they can be continuous and lengthy too. You know that moment just before you ejaculate where your legs go weak and pleasure washes over you? It’s like that feeling but extended for minutes at a time. Yep.

I recently wrote a lengthy guide on our website about prostate milking entitled The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Milking which is definitely worth checking out if you want to get into the finer details of prostate play. However, for the purposes of this article, I’ll be touching on the basics of prostate orgasms and how they can be achieved most easily.

External Prostate Play - For Beginners

We get that some people are not big into the idea of putting things up their bottom, and for heterosexual men, there’s also the obvious stigma of ass play being “gay” or unmanly in some way. I could talk for days about how ass play isn’t intrinsically gay, but that’s a story for another time. External prostate play is not as effective as internal prostate play when you’re looking to stimulate this sensitive gland, but it’s a good starting point for newbies nonetheless.

For example, you could try using your fingers to massage your perineum, the area between the testicles and butthole sometimes referred to as a “taint” or “gooch” depending on where you live. Next time you’re masturbating or lucky enough to be receiving a blowjob, try clumping 3 of your fingers together and gently making circular movements on your perineum – if you’re lucky, you’ll stimulate the prostate and feel an increased intensity in the sexual pleasure you’re experiencing. This is the power of the prostate in your fingertips.

If you want to take it up a notch from there, you could try using an Emojibator bullet vibrator toy or similar sex toy to massage this area with increased intensity once using your fingers is no longer good enough! The vibrations will be significantly more powerful than the sensations provided by manual massage, so you can slowly progress up the prostate play ladder until you’re ready to go further. If you’re working your way up to insertion but you’re not quite feeling brave enough yet, using a vibrating bullet toy on your perineum is a brilliant middle ground.

Fingering - For the Intermediate

If you’re okay with the idea of anal insertion, then it’s time to give some fingering a try. You could finger yourself or ask your partner to finger you, depending on your preference. Do bear in mind that it will be easier for a partner to finger you, as the location of the prostate is a little tricky to reach with your own fingers. The prostate is located on the anterior side of your body (i.e. the side closest to your penis) about 2-3 inches inside your rectum. It feels like a walnut-sized “bump” inside your bottom.

Once you have found the prostate with your lubed-up finger, proceed to gently rub or “tap” the bump, massaging it and causing pleasurable sensations throughout your body. Some describe the gland as a “pleasure button” which you can press if you know where to look for it. For some people, this direct contact with an intimate part of the male anatomy can feel a little strange, so it may be helpful to wear a glove or condom over your finger in order to feel less like a surgeon and more like a person who’s looking to orgasm.

Vibrating Toys - For the More Advanced

If you’re prepared to make way for something to go up your ass which isn’t a finger, then perhaps it’s time to have a look at vibrating toys. Websites such as LoveHoney, SheVibe, and Babeland contain a wide range of vibrating prostate toys, giving you a lot of size options and vibration settings to choose from, catering to various budgets and desires. Rest assured that most prostate toys are not huge dildo-like objects – you only need to travel a few inches up the ass to find this gland… we don’t need menacing veiny 12-inch dildos.

Vibrating toys, once properly positioned, provide the prostate with unique stimulation which can send pleasurable waves of sexual desire throughout your body, sometimes referred to as “p-waves” (with the “p” referring to “prostate”). These are great when combined with penile masturbation, sex, or blowjobs; they serve as a brilliant way to spice up your masturbation/sex life and enhance regular orgasms, although they are unlikely to make you cum hands-free from a purely anal orgasm. This is because the vibrating nature of the toys eventually “numbs” the gland and the prostate becomes less sensitive to the vibrations over time.

Manual “Aneros” Style Toys - For the Very Advanced

If you’re really looking for a mind-shattering otherworldly kind of orgasm, this is the place you wanna be. Aneros is a sex toy company which actually originally started out making prostate massagers for medical reasons before quickly realizing that their products were being used more for sexual pleasure than anything else. Today, Aneros devices have a cult following of sorts, with forums such as the Aneros subreddit discussing various toys and techniques for achieving Super Os (super orgasms).

You see, these sex toys are not vibrating – they don’t use power for anything at all. No, they are completely manual. I have to admit that when I first purchased one, I naturally assumed that there would be a battery compartment, and I was baffled when I couldn’t find one! These well-shaped pieces of medical grade silicone have the power to change your sex and masturbation life forever if you’re prepared to put in the time, patience, and technique required to use them properly.

These manual prostate sex toys are all about learning to contract the muscles in and around your prostate, namely the sphincter muscles (the ones you use to hold in a poop) and the PC muscles (the ones you use to hold in a pee). By contracting and relaxing these muscles in the right way, they will eventually become tired and start to “flutter” and “wobble” when you relax, a bit like when you’re lifting weights at the gym and your arms start to shake as they get tired.

With any luck, you’ll be able to time these muscle spasms in such a way that they begin to cause involuntary orgasms. It’s easier said than done, and it takes a lot of concentration and meditation, but if you play your cards right, you could cause a chain reaction which leads to the elusive mind-blowing Super Orgasm. In our ultimate guide to prostate milking, we talk about the techniques used to achieve these orgasms in more detail, and there are also many online forums where you can find out more tips and tricks for male hands-free orgasms.

Prostate Play - Don’t Be Afraid to Go Up There Fellas!

Prostate milking is a bit like hacking your own body – you’re taking advantage of a natural pleasure spot inside you which happens to be quite easily accessible if you have the right equipment/knowledge behind you. If you can get past the fear of putting things inside your bum (if you have that fear) then you’ll be able to harness the power of multiple intense male orgasms emanating from your anus. I’m willing to bet that if the prostate was located on the forehead, men would be massaging it like there was no tomorrow.

Still, prostate play requires knowledge and preparation, so don’t rush and make sure that you spend plenty of time reading up on toys and techniques which work for you. Once you’ve mastered the art of prostate orgasms, however, your sex and masturbatory life will never be the same again. The only downside of prostate orgasms is that they make regular penis orgasms seem a little crap… I personally seem to have spoiled regular orgasms for myself.

Written by Ian, Sex Toy Collective

Accepting The Way I Get Off

By Lauren Heller

I started masturbating at a young age. I would grind on the armrest of chairs and corners of beds. I didn't know what I was doing; I just knew it felt good. I remember trying to find a quick moment when the house was quiet, and my family was in another room of the house to do it. Sometimes I'd get away with it. Other times my parents would walk in and catch me. I would say, "I'm just doing my exorcizes." I don't remember them saying anything; I just knew I got caught doing something that felt awkward. 

When I heard how others masturbated, I remember feeling shame that I wasn't using my hand, and it was weird that I was grinding on furniture. I remember getting drunk at a college party and telling my best friends how I did it and how it felt like such a big deal to spill the beans about how I masturbated. They didn't react much, and I thought, "hmmm, maybe this isn't a big deal." 

As I got older, I started getting connected to my sexual truth. My sexual truth was to get off, I had to grind on furniture/pillows/toys, and I'm good with that. The more I learned about sex and the spectrum of ways people get off; I realized I didn't need to feel shameful around this. It's how I know how to give myself pleasure, and I really enjoy it. Accepting it also opens up a world of exploring pleasure for me. 

I share this personal story to help others not feel alone in their masturbation practices. I am a sex coach and often get asked if their masturbation practices are normal and healthy. I follow the six principles of sexual health to guide others into what's right for them. 1. Consent 2. Non-Exploitative 3. Honest 4. Shared Values 5. Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy 6. Pleasure. As long as these principles are kept in mind, you can jerk off any way you want! And accepting the ways you get off will open the door to more pleasure. 

About Lauren 

Lauren is a sex coach working diligently to break down the stigma around sex. She has been in the mental health space for four years now, shifting her focus from art therapy to sex coaching. Lauren helps women who want to get in touch with their sexual truth by guiding women to deepen their relationship with themselves by exploring what they want from sex. To discover and communicate their wants and needs while exploring their bodies. She is a guide for women to have the sex they deserve!

How to Connect with Lauren 

Instagram: Sexstuffwithlo

Web site: ohyeahcoaching.com

Work with Lauren: Sexual Truth Defined is a coaching program Lauren is currently offering, guiding women to define their Sexual Truth. Check out her website for more info. 

If you are looking for ethical porn, use my code XOLAUREN xoafterglow.com for 7 day free trial.

Lessons I Learned From Mindful Masturbation After Trauma

By Marlee Liss

When I was in high school, I took pride in the fact that I did not touch myself. I had such deeply internalized beliefs around my desire and my body being ‘too much’. I was taught that masturbation was a thing for boys to do, as expressions of sexuality were deemed ‘unladylike’. I was even given rhetoric that told me that I didn’t need to touch myself because if I was pretty/acceptable/lovable enough, boys would do that for me. 

Not so fun fact: the Latin Root word of masturbation translates to ‘to pollute with one's hands’. In the Oxford English Dictionary, masturbation is a compound of the Latin root words manus (hand) and stuprare (to defile). 

For years, I avoided touching myself at all costs. All of that conditioning and shame trumping any sense of desire. 

It wasn’t until I found somatic sex education and sex positive 2SLGBTQIA+ community that things began to shift. I sought out these spaces of healing and empowerment after experiencing sexual trauma in 2016. At the time, I felt like my relationship to my body was completely severed. On a somatic level, self-blame showed up as tension and hurt expressed as numbness. I felt afraid of my sexuality itself and I felt confused about the difference between genuine pleasure and physical arousal.

To add to the complexity of that time period, I was also questioning my sexuality and confronting my attraction to women and non-binary folk. On top of all of the internalized homophobia, I was having trouble deciphering between whether I was actually gay or just temporarily traumatized (boooo @compulsory heterosexuality). Finding these communities was pivotal for me because I was instantly surrounded by representation, validation, and permission to explore eroticism beyond societal ‘shoulds’ and expectations.

At the time, connecting intimately with others felt too triggering. It felt like my relationship to my sexuality was back at ground zero, like all of a sudden I knew nothing about myself. I didn’t know what I liked and didn’t like. I didn’t know if I’d feel safe during orgasm or if orgasm was even possible for me. So, when my Somatic Sex Education studies led me to discover Mindful Erotic Practice (also called Mindful Self-Pleasure) I was excited, a little desparate, and intrigued.

Mindful Erotic Practice basically invites folks to be in full somatic awareness (body-based presence) and to repeatedly ask the question: What would allow me to connect with pleasure right now? The keys are self-consent, being honest with yourself, and committing to your learning zone - which means a  balance of expanding comfort zone and honouring limits. The practice felt terrifying and awkward to me at first. But with time it began to feel like a space of refuge, safety, empowerment and healing. Some days my practice looked like napping, dancing, bathtime and eating pizza. Other days, my practice looked like self-massage, discovering vibrators and ethical porn and enjoying my own erotic touch.

Regardless of what I was doing, the underlying constant and source of sensual healing was that I was practicing loving dialogue with my body and giving myself permission to feel pleasure. I got to know my likes and my limits, while affirming my right to such desires and boundaries. I learned to distinguish between what felt edgy and exciting verses what felt downright unsafe. I became skilled at commitment to enjoying touch rather than enduring it. I got to explore what it’s like to use my sensations as a compass for touch, rather than following societal scripts and expectations.

With time and this ongoing practice of pleasure, I eventually felt safe and empowered to share intimacy with others again. Probably more safe and empowered than I had ever before, even prior to trauma. The more I spent time in diverse, sex positive communities, the more I was able to validate my erotic expression as a trauma survivor and a queer woman. Now I take so much pride in my lesbian identity and my sexual expression. I’m a gay girl who loves to fuck and I think that self-pleasure is an essential part of everyone’s life, regardless of whether or not you’re in relationship(s). 

Mindful Erotic Practice is something that I teach my clients as a sensuality coach, reminding them that self-pleasure looks different for everyone but is absolutely a right for us all. Self-pleasure is such a powerful avenue for reclamation and also just, making yourself cum is hot. 

Journal Prompts: 

Past: What has your relationship to self-pleasure been in the past? What did you learn about self-pleasure? Where did you get these messages?

Present: What is your relationship to self-pleasure right now? How often do you self-pleasure and what does this look/feel like for you?

Future: What do you want your relationship to self-pleasure to be? What are you curious about exploring? How do you want it to feel? How can you bring more pleasure into your relationship with yourself? 

Marlee Liss is a queer, Jewish author, restorative justice advocate, award-winning speaker and somatic sensuality coach. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Huff Post, Buzzfeed, Mel Robbins Show and more.  If you’re looking for support around your own journey with sensual reclamation, transforming trauma and claiming embodied pleasure, you can learn about Marlee’s coaching programs and book a Free Connect Call with her/her team at www.marleeliss.com/SWA - You can follow her on IG @marleeliss,  tune into her podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts at ‘The Sensual Revolution’ or dive into her Free Training on Sensual Self-Love & Embodied Safety at marleeliss.com/freetraining 

MASTURBATING WITHOUT PENETRATION: A RELATIONSHIP WITH VAGINISMUS

There are many reasons that you may want to masturbate without penetration. You may simply prefer touching the outside of your vulva (hello, clitoris), you might find penetration difficult or painful, or you may currently have or have had vaginismus, like me.

If you don’t know much about vaginismus, it is the term used to describe the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. It’s a mind-body response that causes the vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily when penetration is attempted. The vagina may completely clamp up and block entry.

There’s no single cause of vaginismus, it can be both psychological and physical. In some cases it can be caused by a fear of penetration, past sexual trauma, or anxiety – occasionally a result of inadequate or non-existent sex education. In others, there can be a physical explanation or a painful medical condition that causes it.

In my case, vaginismus was first discovered when I hit puberty and tried to use a tampon for the first time – and subsequently fainted from the pain in the school toilets. A few years later when I tried to have sex for the first time, it reared it’s head again.

It meant that any attempt at penetration was impossible and extremely painful. Trying to get a penis inside of me was like trying to get something through a brick wall. As a teenager I was very embarrassed and didn’t know who to speak to about what was happening. I’d heard the horror stories about “losing my virginity” and I expected some pain, but I didn’t expect it to be like this.

Vaginismus  – which Jezebel described as the female version of erectile dysfunction – is still under-discussed, under-studied, and sufferers are often too embarrassed or ashamed to seek treatment or are misdiagnosed when they do.

It’s reported that between 5 – 17% of people suffer from vaginismus, although these statistics are tricky due to the number of  sufferers who do not discuss their symptoms.

Although sexuality in general has become a less taboo subject over recent years, women’s sexual liberation still has a lot of progress to make. The message that women are to be sexually pleasing to men first and that their needs are secondary is still promoted in the media and in wider society. When this is paired with a medical system that does not take women’s sexual pain seriously and society’s expectations of women’s fertility, many people hold back from visiting a doctor. 

In my experience, after months of many failed attempts at penetration, lots of googling, worrying, and speaking to absolutely nobody about it, I went to the doctor to seek help.

Vaginismus is highly treatable and there are a range of different treatments which are appropriate for different people.  My treatment involved relaxation techniques and using vaginal trainers – smooth dildo-shaped objects that start smaller-than-your-little-finger and increase in size, to help you gradually get used to having something inserted into your vagina.

After two years of treatment I was able to have penetrative sex for the first time. It is reported that for some people their treatment is effective after just a few weeks, and for others it’s a longer process. 

It’s now been 10 years since I was able to first have penetrative sex and I am mostly able to have intercourse without pain however my vaginismus still appears intermittently in certain contexts and circumstances. One of these being when I masturbate, which means I often don’t like to include penetration into my solo sex sessions.

Vaginismus can shift your view of sex & pleasure. For me, this has meant that being sexually connected to my body is a very important part of my life. I worked hard to experience sexual pleasure which I believe ultimately gave me a better understanding of my sexuality,  how to express my desires and made me realise just how important and vital my sexual needs are.

This is the Lust guide for anyone with a vagina who has vaginismus, or would just like to touch themselves without entering their vagina.

Everything is based on my own relationship with vaginismus and I recognize that everyone’s relationship with their vagina is different.

Before You Start: Set the Mood

This is important for everyone but it is especially important for people who associate sex with pain. Set the mood, make sure you’re relaxed and that you’re not going to be disturbed by a housemate or a family member.

This should be a relaxing experience for you, remember that everything you do from here out is completely for you and your pleasure. This is your time to get to know and explore your body, and bring some self-awareness to your sexuality.

Start on the Outside

If you don’t want direct contact with your vulva, that’s completely fine. You can try wearing a glove, touching yourself with clothing on, or putting a blanket or towel between your vulva and your hand.

Grindin’

If you don’t want to use hands at all, you can try grinding against something to apply pressure to your clitoris, rocking your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is, find something comfortable for you. Try a pillow, a bunched up towel, or a piece of furniture if it works for you.

Explore the Erogenous Zones

There are so many erogenous zones on the body that can bring us pleasure and orgasms. Aside from the clitoris, try touching or rubbing your nipples, massage your thighs, run your finger around your vulva, or even your anus if it feels good for you.

Flickin’ the Bean

This is your vaginal pleasure centre. Packed with 8,000 nerve endings, stimulating the clitoris is the best way to reach orgasm for many people.

If you feel comfortable touching it, it’s time to experiment with this pleasure bean.

Do you prefer a soft touch or a harder rub? Do you prefer circles, side-to-side motions, or light tapping? You’ll never know until you try…

You can also try lubing up your index and middle fingers, placing one on each side of your clit. Then slide those babies up and down on either side of your clit and see how that feels.

Lube It Up

Even when you’re not entering your vagina, lube is still important. No one wants a friction burn on their clit.

Positions

Move around! Try sitting up, lying on your stomach, on your side, standing up, or propping a pillow underneath your bum. See what feels best for you.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall 

Get that mirror out and look at what you’ve been blessed with.

Every vulva and clitoris is different, and we all like to touch ourselves in different ways. Some people with vaginas prefer direct clitoral contact, while others like to touch slightly above, or below, or to the side of the visible clit.

So, grab your hand mirror and spend some time admiring your vulva, and show yourself exactly where you like to be touched.

Non-Penetrative Sex Toys

If you feel like you want to bring something else into the bedroom with you, adding a vibrator to your repertoire can really up your masturbation game.

There are a huge range of sex toys that focus on your vulva, like the Doxy Wand, the Unbound Bean, or oral sex stimulators such as the much acclaimed Satisfyer Pro. Dame also makes a tiny finger vibe called Fin that is perfect for people who haven’t used vibrators before. 

Water Baby

If you haven’t had solo sex in water yet, now is your time. If you’re blessed with a detachable shower head, get that baby down there. 

If you’re not blessed with a detachable shower head, you can position yourself conveniently under the stream from the tap. Adjust the water pressure and the temperature to your liking and voila.

These are my top tips for masturbating without penetration, but the most important thing to remember is; no orgasm, no problem. Nothing makes an orgasm disappear like the fear of not having an orgasm. Try not to over think it; most people eventually find what works for them with a little time or patience.

Even if you don’t have an orgasm from masturbation, it’s likely that you will still feel some pleasurable sensations and there is nothing better than taking some time out of your day to focus on your own body and it’s wants and needs. Why not make it a daily ritual? 

Originally posted on Erika Lust by Brogan Grinstead 

Squirting How-To

Female ejaculation or Squirting has something of a mythical reputation. In this explicit video guide, performer and squirting-enthusiast Kali Sudhra reveals the secrets of female ejaculation. From a brief history of squirting to debunking some annoying myths, finding your G-Spot and showing you the best techniques, positions and toys for squirting. If you are ready to lose your squirting virginity, prepare to wet your pants!

From Erika Lust



Five Masturbation Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence

By Alisha Fisher

Masturbation May is here, but for some folks, these keys to self love can be overwhelming or even triggering. 

Healing from sexual trauma can be a tumultuous process, filled with loneliness, confusion, and many unknowns or surprising road bumps. Research on sexual violence illustrates that survivors struggle with the post traumatic effects, and they can experience various sexual problems, involving sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

As a sexuality educator, and relationship coach that works with survivors of sexual violence, I see how diverse and difficult life and pleasure can become post-harm. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and confusion arise in my workshops, and coaching sessions. Some survivors experience hyper-sensitivity to their sexual regions, or their sex drive goes through the roof. While others navigate hypo-sensitivity (does not feel mucch) in their sexual regions, and lose their ability to become aroused or even interested in sex and/or intimacy.

I envision survivorship like a freeway… miles and miles long, with many on and off ramps. We are all on this healing journey, at various locations. While some of us may be coasting along in the fast lane, others may be at a rest stop. All these points in our survivorship path are justified, real, and absolutely necessary.

With this being said, the advice and guidance I provide here may not be a place on your healing freeway that you are willing to stop at. This is okay, and I support you in making it this far in the article. You are not alone in your journey.

Now, for those who are ready for some survivor self pleasure skills and strategies, let's get to it!

1) Prime the Space with your Sexy Favorite Things

One of the most common experiences I hear from folks venturing back into self pleasure mode, is that they are not feeling it or in the mood. Sure, you can read article after article describing the best positions, or must have sex toys… but all of that is meaningless if you do not have your head in the game *insert High School Musical reference*. According to the research, pleasant feelings like joy, relaxation, and enthusiasm can improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

My recommendations,

• Organize your self pleasure zone, such as making or un-making your bed, putting on your favorite music (or porn), get yourself a drink (water, juice, tea, or even an alcoholic one) and set it up in your favorite cup, locking the door, turning off your phone, all of these can be a start!

• Prepping the space with your favorite things helps bring your mind into the space, to really focus on the here and now. Prepping your space can help remove distractions, and make you a little more relaxed.

2) Get Your Senses Involved

Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing, and Taste- these senses are used by our brain to collect information about the world around us and inform the brain if this is safe or a sketchy situation. Connecting to our five senses can help survivors with navigating our experiences with dissociation, because it keeps us grounded and present in our pleasure space. 

My recommendations,

• Select a candle that will only be used as an indicator of self-pleasure time. Light, notice, and smell this candle before you settle into pleasure town. 

• Have a pleasure blanket that can be placed under you, or wrapped around you when you want to give yourself a hug. Personally, I love the big, fluffy, colorful blankets before and during, then I switch to a weighted blanket for aftercare

• Play some tunes that resonate with you, and bring you comfort. For some folks, this could be some chill lofi beats, classical vibes, throwbacks, or even some rock or metal music. 

3) Pleasure Map Your Body

Even though we are slathered with sexual images that situate pleasure as only arising from the genitals, this is far from the truth. Pleasure is not genital dependent! Our skin is our largest sex organ, and is filled with so many erogenous zones. 

My recommendations,

• Outline your body on a piece of paper (this can be on a notepad or life-sized), select three colors, one to represent no touch zone, one for a maybe under the right circumstances zone, and one for a yes, love this area to be touched zone. Creating this body-pleasure map helps you reflect on what pleasure means to different areas of your body, helps you with communicating (to yourself or your partner(s)) what areas of your body needs attention, and insights a little bit of creative discovery for yourself. Have you ever tried rubbing the back of your neck and playing with your hair as you pleasure yourself?

4) Play with Non-Phallic Toys and Textures

Sometimes our aversions to pleasure can come from our sex toys (dildos), reminding us of the person who harmed us. This is what I, personally, love about the Emojibator brand, there are so many products that are not phallic (penis) shaped, and incite a sense of playfulness and curiosity. 

My recommendations, 

• Try pleasure products that do not depend on penetration, such as Queeni Swan Finger Vibe

• If you're struggling with the lack of sensation in your pleasure zones, try a more textured toy, such as the Pickle Emojibator  

• Lube is your best friend. Lube can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, and lessens your risk of injury and skin irritation (try some lube on a small external area first to ensure it is the right kind of lube for you), take a look at these Emojibator lubes

  5) Reward Yourself

I have said it before, and I will say it again, self pleasure is the best pleasure. Heck, if you’re able to pleasure and love yourself the way you deserve then that deserves a treat, I mean… reward! Whether you are engaging in some, 

• Aftercare, such as holding yourself, practicing words of affirmation, replenishing yourself with food or a drink, or taking a deserved nap after your session, or

• A Debrief, such as creating a pleasure report card of things that you want more of, none of, or to improve on

You deserve to treat yourself for having the strength and vulnerability to rekindle your sexual sense of self.

Alisha Fisher is an International Award Winning Speaker, PhD Human Sexuality Student, and Relationship Coach, who has been involved with the field of Sexology and Sexual Violence for over a decade. She works with individuals and people in relationships to enhance their intimate lifestyles, as well as speaking on numerous panels and to communities about her role in creating more fulfilling relationships to ourselves and others. Her enthusiasm for combining research and trauma informed practices into sexual connection has been the driving force for her presentations, workshops and coaching sessions. You can connect with Alisha's services and social media accounts on her website InspireIntimacy.com

Masturbation Empowerment

By Tabitha, President of Sexual Health Organization & Outreach at Rogers State University

Masturbation is normal!

Flicking your bean or jerking yourself off is often one of the first sexual encounters someone can have with themselves. Sometimes we become aware of those erogenous zones (a spot on the body that has heightened sensitivity or stimulation which may generate a sexual response) by accident, sitting on the edge of the couch and realizing it feels good when you move around, crossing your legs and building pressure against your genitals, the list goes on and on. Once we are aware of those feelings, we can begin to explore further. Using lube to make things more comfortable, maybe adding a cock sleeve to increase sensations, vibrators, dildos, whatever else you enjoy to increase your pleasure. This is all normal and healthy! It’s actually the safest sex you can ever have since there is no chance of getting pregnant or catching an STI. It can benefit your mental health and physical health too, when you orgasm your body releases endorphins which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good!

Masturbation & Pornography

Masturbation is often linked to pornography because some believe one cannot exist without the other, but this is not always true. Yes, pornography can increase the sexual experience both with yourself and with a partner (here’s your sign to watch porn with a consenting partner and turn up the heat!) and it can also introduce you to new sexual urges and desires that you didn’t know you’d be into! Pornography, especially ethical porn, is totally healthy and fun! Bellessa.co has some fire ethical porn and if you want to explore more audio porn to turn up your imagination I recommend Quinn, a great app full of spicy audio porn that is definitely going to unleash a side of you that you didn’t know you had!

Mutual Masturbation

If you enjoy masturbating by yourself you might enjoy masturbating alongside a partner. This can include partners masturbating themselves or each other. This is a great time to explore with temperature, toys, sensation, and more! Have your consenting partner grab an ice cube and hold it in their mouth while they drag the ice down your torso or legs, then switch positions and do the same thing to them. Add some body-safe wax to your online shopping cart drip some on your partner and have them do it to you. Grab your *CLEAN* sex toys and try them out on each other. Switch up positions here! Usually, when people masturbate they are laying on their back in their bed using their toys in one way, when you are with a partner let them take control and use those toys on you while you switch things up. Instead of laying on your back, lay on your stomach and then get up on your knees and arch your back. This can be even spicier if you and your partner lay on opposite ends of the bed looking at each other while you both touch yourself. This can be done in a quiet room so the intimacy and passion are heightened, the only noise you hear is the moans you both are making, or you can add some porn to the mix. Show your partner how you want them to touch you or what new positions you want to try. This can be really fun so be sure to dig deep and get out of your comfort zone!

Sharing sex toys

Sharing sex toys can be a HOT new addition to any sex party between you and your partner(s). The first part of ANY sexual encounter should be making sure that you have your partner’s consent. This includes telling them what you are going to do to them and allowing them to say no or change their mind without any coercion. A NO IS A NO AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. Now, be sure that all toys you will be using have been washed thoroughly. If you or your partner have not been tested for any STIs lately, consider avoiding some toys and using condoms on all of the others. This can decrease the chance for the infections to spread. Cleaning toys before and after use is crucial when it comes to sharing toys! ESPECIALLY anal toys! For a penis-owning person, consider using a cock sleeve or cock ring. These two toys can increase sensitivity and heighten your orgasm! Also, try using a vibrator on their balls or the shaft of their penis. This can be a new and fun sensation that can make you feel ~extra~ good! For a vulva-owning person, it is well known that vibrators feel GREAT on vulvas! Whether they are used externally or internally, they can feel great and can feel amazing with extra skin-to-skin contact! For both penis and vulva owners, if you are using a vibrator on them, be sure to add in some handwork to make them feel extra good! Use a wand vibrator on the balls of your penis-owning partner(s) while you stroke the shaft of their cock and use a vibrating dildo inside of your vulva-owning partners’ vagina while you massage their clit to see them really go wild and add some extra heat and passion to the experience.

Masturbation is meant to be fun and exciting and explorative! Don’t be afraid to try something new with yourself or with your partner to discover new sensations and sexual feelings that you enjoy! Masturbation is normal and healthy! Happy orgasming!

Tabitha is a sexual health advocate and the President of Sexual Health Organization & Outreach on the campus of Rogers State University in Claremore, Oklahoma. She is a member of the Advocates for Youth Condom Collective and an avid supporter of Sex Ed for All! You can follow and support RSU SHOO on Instagram and Facebook by following us and sharing our mission to destigmatize sexual health everywhere! Join the discussion!

What Does a Vulva Orgasm *Actually* Sound Like?

Was that what you thought it was? If you were thinking it was a clip of real people with vulvas really orgasming, you’d be absolutely correct. Take a minute to think about if it sounded how you expected it to. If it wasn’t what you expected, why do you think that is?

We think it’s because movies, TV shows, and porn do (mostly) a shit job of depicting realistic representations of vulva orgasms. Hi there, we’re the co-producers of the Sex Ed with DB Podcast, a feminist podcast bringing you all the sex ed you never got through unique and entertaining storytelling, centering the voices of LGBTQ+ folks and people of color. 

We wanted to collect recordings of unique orgasms from vulva-havers because we think it’s about time we normalize the vulva orgasm. We’re done with shame and stigmatization and we’re tired of the non-male orgasm being displayed in pop culture as something it’s not. Maybe some orgasms do sound like they are depicted in mainstream media -- easy, high-pitched, breathy, overwhelming, and long-lasting. But real orgasms sound so many different ways -- low-pitched and grumbly; expressed with a ton of words or none at all; excited, moany, whispery; they can have ouuus or ahhhs or fuck yaaas or go faster or go slower -- the list goes on.

Now that you’re all hot and bothered and we have your attention, let’s talk about the orgasm gap. You’ve probably heard of the gender wage gap, but did you know that straight, cisgender women also have less orgasms than cisgender men?



As reported by O.School, for every 100 times a heterosexual couple has sex, a cisgender women will only experience an orgasm 65 times, while her cisgender male partner will experience an orgasm 95 times. That’s right, straight men are having 35 percent more orgasms than straight women! (Worth noting, the gap is not as prevalent among lesbian women: women having sex with women will experience orgasm 86 percent of the time.)

We wanted to bring these statistics to your attention because May is Masturbation Month, the perfect opportunity to take control of your sexuality and try to close your personal orgasm gap. Whether than means getting a new toy (check out some of our favorites on our partners page) or planning with your partner to increase your pleasure during sex, now is the perfect time to learn more about what turns you on. 

Looking for more information about pleasure? Check out the Sex Ed with DB podcast, especially our episodes about sex toys, shops, and creators, including “Sex in the City” (featuring Dame Products’ Janet Lieberman-Lu and Please NYC’s Sid Azmi) and “No, It’s My Pleasure” (with Unbound’s Polly Rodriguez and Good Vibrations’ Andy Duran).

Written by DB of Sex Ed with DB

About the Podcast: Listen to new episodes of Sex Ed with DB every Wednesday at 9am PST/12pm EST this summer. Go to www.sexedwithdb.com to learn more about the podcast. You can listen to the podcast on the Sex Ed with DB website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Follow them on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

Imagination: My Infinite Wank Bank

By Paige Montes

As a kid, I was a different kind of triple threat: imaginative, inquisitive, and incessant. At eight years old, I successfully badgered my way into receiving a full-fledged sex talk. Fortunately, my mother worked at Planned Parenthood. She passed on her knowledge with detailed diagrams, anatomically correct language, and an open mind. But notions of pleasure were still largely lacking from the conversation. And at this point, I was already three years into my eight-year stint at Catholic school. Shame and curiosity pulled me in opposite directions for most of my adolescence.    

On the recess yard—AKA the church parking lot—boys would recount the lewd antics they witnessed in porn. Cheerleaders gone wild. Slutty step-moms. A girl pulling a fruit rollup out of her WHAT?! I was simultaneously intrigued and disgusted. Porn was perverted. Masturbation was for boys. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t a hormone-gushing horndog, too.

Under the cover of night and, quite literally, my sheets, pre-teen me would circle my thumb over my clit through my pajamas. Eyes shut. Ears open. Legs zipped tight. Pleasure steeped in paranoia. I was certain my parents could sense I was up to something through our shared wall. But fantasy took me where I secretly longed to go. And, oh, how innocent my imagination once was. 

I dreamt of crooners in suits sweeping me off my feet. The musical Newsies starring young Christian Bale left me lusting after young lads in suspenders. The very horny Phantom of the Opera, which I vaguely remember seeing in movie theatres, gave me plenty of fodder, too. So straight yet so very queer. Even if I wanted to slink around the sleazier side of the aughts Internet, I wouldn’t dare. 

In fact, Googling “do girls masturbate?” alone seemed a huge risk. Clearing my history won’t cut it, I thought. Cookies, caches, and Incognito mode meant nothing to me then either. All I knew was my parents swore up and down that any funny business online could be seen by my father’s employers. Salacious searches would surely cause a virus to infiltrate his company’s intranet. My dirty mind could cost my father his job! 

I wouldn’t discover my female friends were also doing the deed until at least my sophomore year of public high school. (Thank ripped Jesus my family couldn’t afford further parochial education.) At age 16 or so, I lost my virginity to my steady boyfriend. Did the idea of pregnancy and STIs frighten me? Big time. But the Catholic guilt just wasn’t present like it was with touching myself. Sex with a partner proved somehow…less embarrassing. Maybe because we’re also taught masturbation is for lonely losers. Later at Temple University, I went through my queer awakening. Suddenly, the trepidations that come with being a baby gay trumped all else. That was seven years ago now.

These days, I enjoy sex with the partner I plan to marry. However, I still turn to my imagination—or should I say turn on. Not because of limited smut access or ignorance, but because it’s fun. It’s free. It’s ethical. Not to mention relaxing—especially before falling asleep if you want to avoid screens. I can get down solo to any steamy scenario my heart and nether bits desire (more often than not, these stories involve fictional crushes). And I love it. My imagination is unlimited, and so is my wank bank.

Follow Paige on Twitter, Instagram and Tiktok

I Attended a Masturbation Party. Here's What it Was Like.

By Ryn Pfeuffer

Like many women, I grew up thinking masturbation was abnormal. Especially those of us who were caught and scolded. (See: Ms. Pfeuffer with the handheld shower head in the bathroom). I'd listen to Dr. Ruth Westheimer's radio call-in show, "Sexually Speaking," on my Sony Walkman under the sheets late at night, fascinated by s-e-x, but never got The Talk. The nuts and bolts of bodies and anatomy were never discussed, nor were the key pillars of puberty like periods, contraception, or sexual health.

According to the Kinsey Institute, only 40 to 60 percent of women masturbate, compared to 95 to 99 percent of their male counterparts. Sure, men have advantages when it comes to getting off. Society expects and encourages male masturbation, and it's much more obvious when they've come. Yet it is a highly stigmatized topic for women, still often considered something "good" girls don't do.

There's a party in Seattle – Myself! – that celebrates masturbation, no matter your gender. Before attending Myself!, I considered myself well-versed in kink events, sex parties, and you guessed it, masturbation. I've attended who-knows-how-many such events, both public and private, and have an extensive sexual resume. That said, I'd never been to an event that centers solely on self-pleasure. I was intrigued and bought tickets for me and one of my partners. 

 I admit I was nervous the night of the party. Dressed in a tight black dress and sky-high stilettos, I went armed with a bag of lube, condoms, and sex toys. The event started with a mandatory circle for all attendees to go over consent and some ground rules. I'd been to many kink and sex parties in this space and always felt safe. Still, there was something different about putting such an intimate act on display (and I'm a total exhibitionist). 

Usually, masturbation is frowned upon at kink and sex parties, unless consent is given by all parties involved. Like, under normal circumstances, it's a no-no to stumble upon a super-hot scene and start touching yourself. At Myself! though, a ménage a moi is encouraged. 

My partner and I sat off to the side for a while and watched the activity unfold. Male guests far outweighed the women – I was one of maybe six female attendees. When I finally worked up the nerve, my partner led me to a nearby chaise lounge. We started fooling around and a small crowd of men circled us. Some were pantless; others had a hand slipped down their briefs. The common thread was they were all intently watching us and stroking themselves.

At first, I was turned on by the attention. One guest commented on how my partner and I were so into each other. I reveled that our public display of debauchery was making dicks hard. We continued to kiss, suck, and touch each other until the crowd had tripled and closed into uncomfortable proximity. And then one guy asked my partner, "Is it OK if I touch her?" Oh boy, that was a total boner killer. Fortunately, my partner understands consent and personal agency, and replied, "You’ll have to ask her.” At this point, my mood shifted from hot and bothered to simply bothered. We decided to go home and have sex without a few dozen whipped-out dicks.  

In theory, I love the concept of having a dedicated space and event for communal bonding over self-pleasure. I masturbate virtually with a group of women every weekend via Zoom and can attest to how powerful and freeing it is to share the pleasure of masturbation. That said, I wish women better attended the event. I’m pansexual and sexually attracted to all genders. Also, I would have liked to see more mutual masturbation. Some of my most memorable sexual encounters have entailed no physical touch. I imagine a quick conversation about consent and boundaries could yield hot, hands-free sex with a stranger. Remember, your pleasure is critical to every sexual experience, no matter how casual or otherwise. Instead, most participants engaged in solitary play. Men, all cisgender, and I assume, straight, mainly kept to themselves, rarely interacting with other men. The majority of attention, unsurprisingly, focused on single women and couples. 

Sure, I may have gotten a little claustrophobic by a circle of cocks and a consent misstep. But at no time did I ever feel unsafe. I’ve had plenty of time to process the experience, have a better idea of what to expect, and would 100% go back in the future. But, next time, I’m going to bring some of my female sex-positive friends. 

Here’s to events and experiences that encourage people to take up space, ask for what they want, and prioritize their pleasure. Pleasure is my – and your – birthright. So, let’s celebrate it every chance we can.

Follow Ryn on Twitter and Instagram