Understanding the Female Orgasm for a Better Sex Life

By Sara Rosen, LCSW, M.Ed

Think back to when you were a kid, what messages did you receive about sex? Were they overwhelmingly negative? Even if you were fortunate enough to have some semblance of sexuality education in school, it was likely far from comprehensive or sex positive. Traditional sex ed always splits up the boys and girls. The boys learn about erections and ejaculation, while girls are taught about preventing pregnancy and diseases. For most women, our introduction to sexuality is not focused on pleasure whatsoever, we learn about the “dangers” of our own bodies. We learn all about the procreative functioning of our bodies, but not how to experience all of the pleasure our bodies have to offer us. 

If you are confused about your sexuality and feel like you are missing something, it’s no wonder why! There have been dangerous misconceptions about female sexuality from the beginning of time. For example, let’s talk about Freud. While Freud is highly regarded as the father of psychiatry and human sexuality, he was pretty clueless when it came to female orgasm. In fact, his theories actually set back our understanding of female sexuality for generations.

 Freud confidently stated that girls have clitoral orgasms, and then mature into women who have vaginal orgasms. According to Freud, clitoral orgasms were a sign of sexual and psychological immaturity. Freud went as far as classifying adult female clitoral orgasms as an indicator of mental illness.  A woman who was unable to orgasm penetratively was seen as sexually inept. In reality, only about a fourth of women are able to orgasm via vaginal penetration.The vast majority of women prefer clitoral stimulation. When it comes to female orgasm, Freud likely did not leave his partners very satisfied. This mentality fostered a culture that normalizes faking orgasms. For many, this was/is a routine part of sex. 

Luckily, you can take agency of your sexuality and flip the script. Here are a few tips to get you started on your sexploration:

1. Get acquainted with your equipment. You can hold a hand mirror up to your vulva, or try squatting over a mirror if you’re able. It’s much easier to pleasure yourself and to walk someone else through pleasuring you, if you know what parts you’re working with. 

2. Try using toys. Work smarter not harder. You don’t need to give yourself a hand cramp when there are thousands of toys you can use that are specifically engineered to stimulate everything from your clitoris to your G-Spot. Explore what feels good, and then explore again!

3. Be vocal with your partners. Let them know what feels good, and what doesn’t. The worst thing you can do is fake an orgasm. Why? This conditions your partner to continue having the kind of sex that doesn’t necessarily get you off. This could be especially problematic with a life partner. 

4. Normalize talking about sex and masturbation with your friends. Seriously, women who talk about sex with their friends have better sex with their partners! You can experience tremendous sexual benefits just from normalizing sexuality with those around you. If your friends are shy about sex, try being the one to get the conversation started! Your friends may even thank you later. 

5. Orgasm isn’t the only measure of a sexual experience. Sex is a full body experience, our bodies are full of erogenous zones waiting to be explored. Stay in the moment and bask in what feels good, instead of focusing on what you think should be happening. 

6. Try something new! Whether it’s a new sex position or just trying out a new restaurant, nothing is more erotic than novelty. New experiences are sexy, even if they have nothing to do with sex!

7. To get yourself in the mood, try watching shows/movies that depict sex scenes. The more you expose yourself to sexuality, the more present sex will be on your mind. 

These are just a few tips to get you started. Remember that when it comes to learning about your sexuality, it is a journey not a destination. Like anything in life, our tastes change over time. The best thing you can do to keep your solo & partnered sex life exciting, is to stay curious!

Top 10 Tips for Self-Pleasure After Sexual Trauma

By Marlee Liss

For survivors of trauma, solo sex can feel more like pressure than it does pleasure (and not in a fun way). We may associate certain types of touch with trauma or we may feel disconnected from our bodies completely. 

While sexual intimacy may feel intimidating or triggering after trauma, solo sex can offer powerful grounds for reclamation. If we approach self-pleasure in a loving and intentional way, we can use it as a practice to bring us out of dissociation and into embodied presence. We can get to know our likes and dislikes. We can learn to build new associations between touch and arousal, rooted in empowerment and full-hearted choice. 

For myself, masturbation was and continues to be an incredible part of my healing and empowerment process after trauma. In my work as a sensuality coach rooted in somatics, I support women and non-binary folks in this very reclamation. Mindful erotic practice (aka mindful self-pleasure) often lives at the centre of these teachings. So, here are my top 10 tips for survivors of sexual trauma exploring self-pleasure. 

1. Commit to enjoying touch rather than enduring: This intention offers us a compass for what sensations and experiences we want to move towards or away from. Holding this standard affirms our right to feel good and can help override habitual touch that may come from conditioning rather than choice. If we find ourselves enduring touch, we get to practice honoring our limits and boundaries by slowing down, changing our approach or stopping.

2. Use breath to stay in embodied presence: Slow, deep belly breathing can change our experience of self-pleasure in countless ways. This is because when we are in crisis mode, we breathe high into our chests at a quick pace, which lets the brain know that we are in danger. In contrast, when we breathe slowly and deeply into our bellies, our brains receive the message that we are safe to relax and enjoy. Breathe in this way to affirm your safety and to help regulate your nervous system.

3. Play with light physical movement: It’s common for survivors of trauma to experience dissociation or freeze response regularly. This experience can be heightened during sexual intimacy and we may feel ourselves numbing or ‘checking out’. Light physical movement is one of the best ways for us to complete stress response cycles and stay present in our bodies. You can play around with this by weaving subtle movements into your self-pleasure. Ie. lengthening and contracting your spine, curling your toes, gently shaking your hips.

4. Commit to your learning zone: This is one of the most important ones. We are in our comfort zone when we are completely relaxed and without much stimulation. The comfort zone’s opposite is known as the panic zone, in which we’ve gone way beyond our limits and may experience a full blown trauma response, hyperstress and dysregulation. Our learning zone lives right at our sweet spot, in-between these two. We are in our learning zone when we find balance between expanding comfort zone while honoring limits. Finding and committing to your ever-changing learning zone catalyzes experiences of care, pleasure and healing.

5. Use sound to stimulate the vagus nerve: The vagus nerve system is like our body's secret weapon to counterbalance fight or flight. There are so many ways to stimulate the vagus nerve, which can trigger a relaxation response in our bodies. One simple way to do this is by making sound (ie. moaning, humming, vowels, words). Hearing the sound of your own voice during self-pleasure can support you in shifting out of dissociation and into somatic (body-based) awareness, while stimulating a relaxation response.

6. Learn about and validate experiences of hyper or hyposexuality: Remember that everybody processes trauma differently. For some survivors, hypo-sexuality occurs after trauma in which there is an aversion to sexuality. For others, hypersexuality occurs after trauma, in which there are compulsive, difficult to control sexual behaviours and fantasies (Check out my podcast episode on this topic with EMPWR here).. When we lack understanding about why these trauma responses come to be and how common they actually are, it is easy to shame or judge ourselves. Learning about the function and frequency of these mechanisms can offer a powerful doorway to self-compassion.

7. Ask yourself, ‘what would actually bring me more pleasure right now?’: The combination of surviving trauma and receiving little to no adequate sex education leaves many of us lost and confused. Most of us turn to pornography or the media to seek out sexual scripts, hoping to find something like a manual to orgasm. But remember, our bodies are not machines. What works for one person, may not work for another. So, rather than leaning into these scripts and trying to figure out what someone else says you should do - try asking your body what you actually want to do. Let your pleasure and sensation be your compass for touch. 

8. Cultivate a mindful self-pleasure practice: Rather than approaching masturbation as something to do when you're horny or just because you should, make it a consistent and intentional practice in your life. We all understand the concept of mapping out quality time in our relationships with others. Well, this practice offers an opportunity to do the same thing with yourself. Schedule time for your self-pleasure sessions and do your best to be intentional, attentive and present with yourself - the same way you would want to be with a partner.

9. Bring in toys and vibrators: Remember that self-pleasure is meant to be fun and well, pleasurable! Bringing in toys and vibrators to spice things up can be exciting and can support us in staying curious and present within our bodies. The different sensations and experiences that toys create may have less triggering associations with certain types of touch and that novelty can enhance a sense of safety. Similar to number 7, toys that spark novelty also help break up habitual approaches to masturbation and can bring us into deeper familiarity with our true likes, limits and desires.

10. Balance enjoyment with eagerness: When it comes to arousal - and most things in life - we tend to oscillate between enjoyment and eagerness. Enjoyment is all about appreciating the pleasure we’re already experiencing while eagerness is about feeling excitement based on what is to come. Neither is better than the other, but our future-focused, capitalist culture does constantly reinforces eagerness while completely neglecting enjoyment. For this reason, most of us feel way more eagerness than we do enjoyment. Bringing these two forces into balance is key. While exploring self-pleasure, do your best to notice and appreciate what already feels good and work on giving yourself permission to enjoy that sensation.

These ten tips for self-pleasure after trauma offer a potent foundation for reclamation through solo sex. Remember to honor your pace and to lean into support as much as possible. No matter what you’ve been through, you are capable and worthy of reclaiming pleasure in a way that feels authentic to you. Know that as survivors, our pleasure is a radical and we deserve to feel beautiful, safe and powerful within these bodies.

Marlee Liss is a queer, Jewish author, restorative justice advocate, award-winning speaker and somatic sensuality coach. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Huff Post, Buzzfeed, Mel Robbins Show and more.  If you’re looking for support around your own journey with sensual reclamation, transforming trauma and claiming embodied pleasure, you can learn about Marlee’s coaching programs and book a Free Connect Call with her/her team at www.marleeliss.com/SWA - You can follow her on IG @marleeliss,  tune into her podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts at ‘The Sensual Revolution’ or dive into her Free Training on Sensual Self-Love & Embodied Safety at marleeliss.com/freetraining

MASTURBATING WITHOUT PENETRATION: A RELATIONSHIP WITH VAGINISMUS

There are many reasons that you may want to masturbate without penetration. You may simply prefer touching the outside of your vulva (hello, clitoris), you might find penetration difficult or painful, or you may currently have or have had vaginismus, like me.

If you don’t know much about vaginismus, it is the term used to describe the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. It’s a mind-body response that causes the vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily when penetration is attempted. The vagina may completely clamp up and block entry.

There’s no single cause of vaginismus, it can be both psychological and physical. In some cases it can be caused by a fear of penetration, past sexual trauma, or anxiety – occasionally a result of inadequate or non-existent sex education. In others, there can be a physical explanation or a painful medical condition that causes it.

In my case, vaginismus was first discovered when I hit puberty and tried to use a tampon for the first time – and subsequently fainted from the pain in the school toilets. A few years later when I tried to have sex for the first time, it reared it’s head again.

It meant that any attempt at penetration was impossible and extremely painful. Trying to get a penis inside of me was like trying to get something through a brick wall. As a teenager I was very embarrassed and didn’t know who to speak to about what was happening. I’d heard the horror stories about “losing my virginity” and I expected some pain, but I didn’t expect it to be like this.

Vaginismus  – which Jezebel described as the female version of erectile dysfunction – is still under-discussed, under-studied, and sufferers are often too embarrassed or ashamed to seek treatment or are misdiagnosed when they do.

It’s reported that between 5 – 17% of people suffer from vaginismus, although these statistics are tricky due to the number of  sufferers who do not discuss their symptoms.

Although sexuality in general has become a less taboo subject over recent years, women’s sexual liberation still has a lot of progress to make. The message that women are to be sexually pleasing to men first and that their needs are secondary is still promoted in the media and in wider society. When this is paired with a medical system that does not take women’s sexual pain seriously and society’s expectations of women’s fertility, many people hold back from visiting a doctor. 

In my experience, after months of many failed attempts at penetration, lots of googling, worrying, and speaking to absolutely nobody about it, I went to the doctor to seek help.

Vaginismus is highly treatable and there are a range of different treatments which are appropriate for different people.  My treatment involved relaxation techniques and using vaginal trainers – smooth dildo-shaped objects that start smaller-than-your-little-finger and increase in size, to help you gradually get used to having something inserted into your vagina.

After two years of treatment I was able to have penetrative sex for the first time. It is reported that for some people their treatment is effective after just a few weeks, and for others it’s a longer process. 

It’s now been 10 years since I was able to first have penetrative sex and I am mostly able to have intercourse without pain however my vaginismus still appears intermittently in certain contexts and circumstances. One of these being when I masturbate, which means I often don’t like to include penetration into my solo sex sessions.

Vaginismus can shift your view of sex & pleasure. For me, this has meant that being sexually connected to my body is a very important part of my life. I worked hard to experience sexual pleasure which I believe ultimately gave me a better understanding of my sexuality,  how to express my desires and made me realise just how important and vital my sexual needs are.

This is the Lust guide for anyone with a vagina who has vaginismus, or would just like to touch themselves without entering their vagina.

Everything is based on my own relationship with vaginismus and I recognize that everyone’s relationship with their vagina is different.

Before You Start: Set the Mood

This is important for everyone but it is especially important for people who associate sex with pain. Set the mood, make sure you’re relaxed and that you’re not going to be disturbed by a housemate or a family member.

This should be a relaxing experience for you, remember that everything you do from here out is completely for you and your pleasure. This is your time to get to know and explore your body, and bring some self-awareness to your sexuality.

Start on the Outside

If you don’t want direct contact with your vulva, that’s completely fine. You can try wearing a glove, touching yourself with clothing on, or putting a blanket or towel between your vulva and your hand.

Grindin’

If you don’t want to use hands at all, you can try grinding against something to apply pressure to your clitoris, rocking your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is, find something comfortable for you. Try a pillow, a bunched up towel, or a piece of furniture if it works for you.

Explore the Erogenous Zones

There are so many erogenous zones on the body that can bring us pleasure and orgasms. Aside from the clitoris, try touching or rubbing your nipples, massage your thighs, run your finger around your vulva, or even your anus if it feels good for you.

Flickin’ the Bean

This is your vaginal pleasure centre. Packed with 8,000 nerve endings, stimulating the clitoris is the best way to reach orgasm for many people.

If you feel comfortable touching it, it’s time to experiment with this pleasure bean.

Do you prefer a soft touch or a harder rub? Do you prefer circles, side-to-side motions, or light tapping? You’ll never know until you try…

You can also try lubing up your index and middle fingers, placing one on each side of your clit. Then slide those babies up and down on either side of your clit and see how that feels.

Lube It Up

Even when you’re not entering your vagina, lube is still important. No one wants a friction burn on their clit.

Positions

Move around! Try sitting up, lying on your stomach, on your side, standing up, or propping a pillow underneath your bum. See what feels best for you.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall 

Get that mirror out and look at what you’ve been blessed with.

Every vulva and clitoris is different, and we all like to touch ourselves in different ways. Some people with vaginas prefer direct clitoral contact, while others like to touch slightly above, or below, or to the side of the visible clit.

So, grab your hand mirror and spend some time admiring your vulva, and show yourself exactly where you like to be touched.

Non-Penetrative Sex Toys

If you feel like you want to bring something else into the bedroom with you, adding a vibrator to your repertoire can really up your masturbation game.

There are a huge range of sex toys that focus on your vulva, like the Doxy Wand, the Unbound Bean, or oral sex stimulators such as the much acclaimed Satisfyer Pro. Dame also makes a tiny finger vibe called Fin that is perfect for people who haven’t used vibrators before. 

Water Baby

If you haven’t had solo sex in water yet, now is your time. If you’re blessed with a detachable shower head, get that baby down there. 

If you’re not blessed with a detachable shower head, you can position yourself conveniently under the stream from the tap. Adjust the water pressure and the temperature to your liking and voila.

These are my top tips for masturbating without penetration, but the most important thing to remember is; no orgasm, no problem. Nothing makes an orgasm disappear like the fear of not having an orgasm. Try not to over think it; most people eventually find what works for them with a little time or patience.

Even if you don’t have an orgasm from masturbation, it’s likely that you will still feel some pleasurable sensations and there is nothing better than taking some time out of your day to focus on your own body and it’s wants and needs. Why not make it a daily ritual? 

Originally posted on Erika Lust by Brogan Grinstead 

Five Masturbation Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence

By Alisha Fisher

Masturbation May is here, but for some folks, these keys to self love can be overwhelming or even triggering. 

Healing from sexual trauma can be a tumultuous process, filled with loneliness, confusion, and many unknowns or surprising road bumps. Research on sexual violence illustrates that survivors struggle with the post traumatic effects, and they can experience various sexual problems, involving sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

As a sexuality educator, and relationship coach that works with survivors of sexual violence, I see how diverse and difficult life and pleasure can become post-harm. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and confusion arise in my workshops, and coaching sessions. Some survivors experience hyper-sensitivity to their sexual regions, or their sex drive goes through the roof. While others navigate hypo-sensitivity (does not feel mucch) in their sexual regions, and lose their ability to become aroused or even interested in sex and/or intimacy.

I envision survivorship like a freeway… miles and miles long, with many on and off ramps. We are all on this healing journey, at various locations. While some of us may be coasting along in the fast lane, others may be at a rest stop. All these points in our survivorship path are justified, real, and absolutely necessary.

With this being said, the advice and guidance I provide here may not be a place on your healing freeway that you are willing to stop at. This is okay, and I support you in making it this far in the article. You are not alone in your journey.

Now, for those who are ready for some survivor self pleasure skills and strategies, let's get to it!

1) Prime the Space with your Sexy Favorite Things

One of the most common experiences I hear from folks venturing back into self pleasure mode, is that they are not feeling it or in the mood. Sure, you can read article after article describing the best positions, or must have sex toys… but all of that is meaningless if you do not have your head in the game *insert High School Musical reference*. According to the research, pleasant feelings like joy, relaxation, and enthusiasm can improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

My recommendations,

• Organize your self pleasure zone, such as making or un-making your bed, putting on your favorite music (or porn), get yourself a drink (water, juice, tea, or even an alcoholic one) and set it up in your favorite cup, locking the door, turning off your phone, all of these can be a start!

• Prepping the space with your favorite things helps bring your mind into the space, to really focus on the here and now. Prepping your space can help remove distractions, and make you a little more relaxed.

2) Get Your Senses Involved

Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing, and Taste- these senses are used by our brain to collect information about the world around us and inform the brain if this is safe or a sketchy situation. Connecting to our five senses can help survivors with navigating our experiences with dissociation, because it keeps us grounded and present in our pleasure space. 

My recommendations,

• Select a candle that will only be used as an indicator of self-pleasure time. Light, notice, and smell this candle before you settle into pleasure town. 

• Have a pleasure blanket that can be placed under you, or wrapped around you when you want to give yourself a hug. Personally, I love the big, fluffy, colorful blankets before and during, then I switch to a weighted blanket for aftercare

• Play some tunes that resonate with you, and bring you comfort. For some folks, this could be some chill lofi beats, classical vibes, throwbacks, or even some rock or metal music. 

3) Pleasure Map Your Body

Even though we are slathered with sexual images that situate pleasure as only arising from the genitals, this is far from the truth. Pleasure is not genital dependent! Our skin is our largest sex organ, and is filled with so many erogenous zones. 

My recommendations,

• Outline your body on a piece of paper (this can be on a notepad or life-sized), select three colors, one to represent no touch zone, one for a maybe under the right circumstances zone, and one for a yes, love this area to be touched zone. Creating this body-pleasure map helps you reflect on what pleasure means to different areas of your body, helps you with communicating (to yourself or your partner(s)) what areas of your body needs attention, and insights a little bit of creative discovery for yourself. Have you ever tried rubbing the back of your neck and playing with your hair as you pleasure yourself?

4) Play with Non-Phallic Toys and Textures

Sometimes our aversions to pleasure can come from our sex toys (dildos), reminding us of the person who harmed us. This is what I, personally, love about the Emojibator brand, there are so many products that are not phallic (penis) shaped, and incite a sense of playfulness and curiosity. 

My recommendations, 

• Try pleasure products that do not depend on penetration, such as Queeni Swan Finger Vibe

• If you're struggling with the lack of sensation in your pleasure zones, try a more textured toy, such as the Pickle Emojibator  

• Lube is your best friend. Lube can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, and lessens your risk of injury and skin irritation (try some lube on a small external area first to ensure it is the right kind of lube for you), take a look at these Emojibator lubes

  5) Reward Yourself

I have said it before, and I will say it again, self pleasure is the best pleasure. Heck, if you’re able to pleasure and love yourself the way you deserve then that deserves a treat, I mean… reward! Whether you are engaging in some, 

• Aftercare, such as holding yourself, practicing words of affirmation, replenishing yourself with food or a drink, or taking a deserved nap after your session, or

• A Debrief, such as creating a pleasure report card of things that you want more of, none of, or to improve on

You deserve to treat yourself for having the strength and vulnerability to rekindle your sexual sense of self.

Alisha Fisher is an International Award Winning Speaker, PhD Human Sexuality Student, and Relationship Coach, who has been involved with the field of Sexology and Sexual Violence for over a decade. She works with individuals and people in relationships to enhance their intimate lifestyles, as well as speaking on numerous panels and to communities about her role in creating more fulfilling relationships to ourselves and others. Her enthusiasm for combining research and trauma informed practices into sexual connection has been the driving force for her presentations, workshops and coaching sessions. You can connect with Alisha's services and social media accounts on her website InspireIntimacy.com

Why Yoga is Erotic and Essential to My Self Pleasure

By Major Davis

My mat sounds like a whip as it unrolls, I thrust it forward onto the floor. 

I always approach the beginning of class humbly, checking in with my body. What does it need? Who do I feel like today? Am I aligned in one piece, scatterbrained? Sensual and feeling myself?

Sometimes I feel the impulse of tears behind my eyes when I first find a home on the mat. I’m wondering why I didn’t take the time to care for myself before the current moment. Wondering why I had prioritized everything but my own bodily pleasure. 

Some days I feel like doing nothing but laying on the mat cradling myself, cherishing a moment to be stubborn and resistant like an obnoxious child. But it doesn’t matter, because this is my time. 

Easing into movement feels like switching on a toy, testing the waters, asking myself does this feel good? 

I often experience some hiccups, or even full stops. But there is always a sense of flow, because it is all based on a single experience, movement that is inherently mine. Taking ownership of my movement and my body has allowed me to feel more connected in my masturbation practice. 

There is a stigma against touching ourselves in public or even in private sometimes. I often question why I avoid grazing my own body in a group setting. It all comes down to intention. At home, practicing feels less inhibited in that way. I don’t care what grazes what.

Aside from stigma, as a non-binary person, I am no-stranger to dissociation and dysmorphia. Seeing myself from the outside in, losing focus, not feeling my own touch is just a part of my life. Toying and exploring, and navigating through the dissociation is like reintroducing yourself, to yourself. It can be frustrating sometimes, but deeply renewing. Sometimes I’m so gone, and disconnected that I just have to sit with myself and say “maybe not right now, but maybe later” when it comes to touching myself through movement practice. 

I have a ritual of slowly peeling off my clothes throughout my session. I move from feeling stuck inside my shell, to blooming open unfurling my many layers. Becoming okay with whatever is underneath that day is a raw, gutting feeling that challenges me to tap in. 

Class can be climactic whether I am with myself or a full class. When I reach peak pose I am glowing. Filled with self awareness, even if I have become aware of a new pain, a new attention to an area of sensation, I am full, of myself. 

Sometimes a movement session is quite the opposite. I find myself rolling on the floor, trying to get my brain to shut up for a full hour. Sometimes that emptiness is stimulating in itself. 

Stimulation or the lack there of, can be erotic in any sense. 

I describe to my partner one day, sometimes the first moment when I am alone after a period of being in other’s company, a tingling sensation washes over me. My tummy flutters, and I feel the “eeeeee” sound in the back of my throat. I am enthralled by the opportunity for nothingness. Almost engorged by the concept of aloneness. Vast opportunities to explore whatever comes to me. 

Sometimes I feel this same sensation when I arrange time to indulge in yoga, a truly essential practice for my self-pleasure. 

Other times I feel so angry at myself. Angry that I haven’t made time for myself, and now my body experiences the consequences. Chronic pain, pops and cracks, and aching muscles. I am being hard on myself. 

It’s this vulnerability that connects me to myself. Through touch, and movement, and letting go, I am able to re-connect, as if my mat can absorb some of my daily stress, my fatigue, and I bounce back like a rubber ball. Ready to launch.

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