By Alisha Fisher
Masturbation May is here, but for some folks, these keys to self love can be overwhelming or even triggering.
Healing from sexual trauma can be a tumultuous process, filled with loneliness, confusion, and many unknowns or surprising road bumps. Research on sexual violence illustrates that survivors struggle with the post traumatic effects, and they can experience various sexual problems, involving sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.
As a sexuality educator, and relationship coach that works with survivors of sexual violence, I see how diverse and difficult life and pleasure can become post-harm. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and confusion arise in my workshops, and coaching sessions. Some survivors experience hyper-sensitivity to their sexual regions, or their sex drive goes through the roof. While others navigate hypo-sensitivity (does not feel mucch) in their sexual regions, and lose their ability to become aroused or even interested in sex and/or intimacy.
I envision survivorship like a freeway… miles and miles long, with many on and off ramps. We are all on this healing journey, at various locations. While some of us may be coasting along in the fast lane, others may be at a rest stop. All these points in our survivorship path are justified, real, and absolutely necessary.
With this being said, the advice and guidance I provide here may not be a place on your healing freeway that you are willing to stop at. This is okay, and I support you in making it this far in the article. You are not alone in your journey.
Now, for those who are ready for some survivor self pleasure skills and strategies, let's get to it!
1) Prime the Space with your Sexy Favorite Things
One of the most common experiences I hear from folks venturing back into self pleasure mode, is that they are not feeling it or in the mood. Sure, you can read article after article describing the best positions, or must have sex toys… but all of that is meaningless if you do not have your head in the game *insert High School Musical reference*. According to the research, pleasant feelings like joy, relaxation, and enthusiasm can improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
My recommendations,
Organize your self pleasure zone, such as making or un-making your bed, putting on your favorite music (or porn), get yourself a drink (water, juice, tea, or even an alcoholic one) and set it up in your favorite cup, locking the door, turning off your phone, all of these can be a start!
Prepping the space with your favorite things helps bring your mind into the space, to really focus on the here and now. Prepping your space can help remove distractions, and make you a little more relaxed.
2) Get Your Senses Involved
Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing, and Taste- these senses are used by our brain to collect information about the world around us and inform the brain if this is safe or a sketchy situation. Connecting to our five senses can help survivors with navigating our experiences with dissociation, because it keeps us grounded and present in our pleasure space.
My recommendations,
Select a candle that will only be used as an indicator of self-pleasure time. Light, notice, and smell this candle before you settle into pleasure town.
Have a pleasure blanket that can be placed under you, or wrapped around you when you want to give yourself a hug. Personally, I love the big, fluffy, colorful blankets before and during, then I switch to a weighted blanket for aftercare
Play some tunes that resonate with you, and bring you comfort. For some folks, this could be some chill lofi beats, classical vibes, throwbacks, or even some rock or metal music.
3) Pleasure Map Your Body
Even though we are slathered with sexual images that situate pleasure as only arising from the genitals, this is far from the truth. Pleasure is not genital dependent! Our skin is our largest sex organ, and is filled with so many erogenous zones.
My recommendations,
Outline your body on a piece of paper (this can be on a notepad or life-sized), select three colors, one to represent no touch zone, one for a maybe under the right circumstances zone, and one for a yes, love this area to be touched zone. Creating this body-pleasure map helps you reflect on what pleasure means to different areas of your body, helps you with communicating (to yourself or your partner(s)) what areas of your body needs attention, and insights a little bit of creative discovery for yourself. Have you ever tried rubbing the back of your neck and playing with your hair as you pleasure yourself?
4) Play with Non-Phallic Toys and Textures
Sometimes our aversions to pleasure can come from our sex toys (dildos), reminding us of the person who harmed us. This is what I, personally, love about the Emojibator brand, there are so many products that are not phallic (penis) shaped, and incite a sense of playfulness and curiosity.
My recommendations,
Try pleasure products that do not depend on penetration, such as Queeni Swan Finger Vibe
If you're struggling with the lack of sensation in your pleasure zones, try a more textured toy, such as the Pickle Emojibator
Lube is your best friend. Lube can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, and lessens your risk of injury and skin irritation (try some lube on a small external area first to ensure it is the right kind of lube for you), take a look at these Emojibator lubes
5) Reward Yourself
I have said it before, and I will say it again, self pleasure is the best pleasure. Heck, if you’re able to pleasure and love yourself the way you deserve then that deserves a treat, I mean… reward! Whether you are engaging in some,
Aftercare, such as holding yourself, practicing words of affirmation, replenishing yourself with food or a drink, or taking a deserved nap after your session, or
A Debrief, such as creating a pleasure report card of things that you want more of, none of, or to improve on
You deserve to treat yourself for having the strength and vulnerability to rekindle your sexual sense of self.
Alisha Fisher is an International Award Winning Speaker, PhD Human Sexuality Student, and Relationship Coach, who has been involved with the field of Sexology and Sexual Violence for over a decade. She works with individuals and people in relationships to enhance their intimate lifestyles, as well as speaking on numerous panels and to communities about her role in creating more fulfilling relationships to ourselves and others. Her enthusiasm for combining research and trauma informed practices into sexual connection has been the driving force for her presentations, workshops and coaching sessions. You can connect with Alisha's services and social media accounts on her website InspireIntimacy.com
