By Marlee Liss
For survivors of trauma, solo sex can feel more like pressure than it does pleasure (and not in a fun way). We may associate certain types of touch with trauma or we may feel disconnected from our bodies completely.
While sexual intimacy may feel intimidating or triggering after trauma, solo sex can offer powerful grounds for reclamation. If we approach self-pleasure in a loving and intentional way, we can use it as a practice to bring us out of dissociation and into embodied presence. We can get to know our likes and dislikes. We can learn to build new associations between touch and arousal, rooted in empowerment and full-hearted choice.
For myself, masturbation was and continues to be an incredible part of my healing and empowerment process after trauma. In my work as a sensuality coach rooted in somatics, I support women and non-binary folks in this very reclamation. Mindful erotic practice (aka mindful self-pleasure) often lives at the centre of these teachings. So, here are my top 10 tips for survivors of sexual trauma exploring self-pleasure.
Commit to enjoying touch rather than enduring: This intention offers us a compass for what sensations and experiences we want to move towards or away from. Holding this standard affirms our right to feel good and can help override habitual touch that may come from conditioning rather than choice. If we find ourselves enduring touch, we get to practice honoring our limits and boundaries by slowing down, changing our approach or stopping.
Use breath to stay in embodied presence: Slow, deep belly breathing can change our experience of self-pleasure in countless ways. This is because when we are in crisis mode, we breathe high into our chests at a quick pace, which lets the brain know that we are in danger. In contrast, when we breathe slowly and deeply into our bellies, our brains receive the message that we are safe to relax and enjoy. Breathe in this way to affirm your safety and to help regulate your nervous system.
Play with light physical movement: It’s common for survivors of trauma to experience dissociation or freeze response regularly. This experience can be heightened during sexual intimacy and we may feel ourselves numbing or ‘checking out’. Light physical movement is one of the best ways for us to complete stress response cycles and stay present in our bodies. You can play around with this by weaving subtle movements into your self-pleasure. Ie. lengthening and contracting your spine, curling your toes, gently shaking your hips.
Commit to your learning zone: This is one of the most important ones. We are in our comfort zone when we are completely relaxed and without much stimulation. The comfort zone’s opposite is known as the panic zone, in which we’ve gone way beyond our limits and may experience a full blown trauma response, hyperstress and dysregulation. Our learning zone lives right at our sweet spot, in-between these two. We are in our learning zone when we find balance between expanding comfort zone while honoring limits. Finding and committing to your ever-changing learning zone catalyzes experiences of care, pleasure and healing.
Use sound to stimulate the vagus nerve: The vagus nerve system is like our body's secret weapon to counterbalance fight or flight. There are so many ways to stimulate the vagus nerve, which can trigger a relaxation response in our bodies. One simple way to do this is by making sound (ie. moaning, humming, vowels, words). Hearing the sound of your own voice during self-pleasure can support you in shifting out of dissociation and into somatic (body-based) awareness, while stimulating a relaxation response.
Learn about and validate experiences of hyper or hyposexuality: Remember that everybody processes trauma differently. For some survivors, hypo-sexuality occurs after trauma in which there is an aversion to sexuality. For others, hypersexuality occurs after trauma, in which there are compulsive, difficult to control sexual behaviours and fantasies (Check out my podcast episode on this topic with EMPWR here).. When we lack understanding about why these trauma responses come to be and how common they actually are, it is easy to shame or judge ourselves. Learning about the function and frequency of these mechanisms can offer a powerful doorway to self-compassion.
Ask yourself, ‘what would actually bring me more pleasure right now?’: The combination of surviving trauma and receiving little to no adequate sex education leaves many of us lost and confused. Most of us turn to pornography or the media to seek out sexual scripts, hoping to find something like a manual to orgasm. But remember, our bodies are not machines. What works for one person, may not work for another. So, rather than leaning into these scripts and trying to figure out what someone else says you should do - try asking your body what you actually want to do. Let your pleasure and sensation be your compass for touch.
Cultivate a mindful self-pleasure practice: Rather than approaching masturbation as something to do when you're horny or just because you should, make it a consistent and intentional practice in your life. We all understand the concept of mapping out quality time in our relationships with others. Well, this practice offers an opportunity to do the same thing with yourself. Schedule time for your self-pleasure sessions and do your best to be intentional, attentive and present with yourself - the same way you would want to be with a partner.
Bring in toys and vibrators: Remember that self-pleasure is meant to be fun and well, pleasurable! Bringing in toys and vibrators to spice things up can be exciting and can support us in staying curious and present within our bodies. The different sensations and experiences that toys create may have less triggering associations with certain types of touch and that novelty can enhance a sense of safety. Similar to number 7, toys that spark novelty also help break up habitual approaches to masturbation and can bring us into deeper familiarity with our true likes, limits and desires.
Balance enjoyment with eagerness: When it comes to arousal - and most things in life - we tend to oscillate between enjoyment and eagerness. Enjoyment is all about appreciating the pleasure we’re already experiencing while eagerness is about feeling excitement based on what is to come. Neither is better than the other, but our future-focused, capitalist culture does constantly reinforces eagerness while completely neglecting enjoyment. For this reason, most of us feel way more eagerness than we do enjoyment. Bringing these two forces into balance is key. While exploring self-pleasure, do your best to notice and appreciate what already feels good and work on giving yourself permission to enjoy that sensation.
These ten tips for self-pleasure after trauma offer a potent foundation for reclamation through solo sex. Remember to honor your pace and to lean into support as much as possible. No matter what you’ve been through, you are capable and worthy of reclaiming pleasure in a way that feels authentic to you. Know that as survivors, our pleasure is a radical and we deserve to feel beautiful, safe and powerful within these bodies.
Marlee Liss is a queer, Jewish author, restorative justice advocate, award-winning speaker and somatic sensuality coach. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Huff Post, Buzzfeed, Mel Robbins Show and more. If you’re looking for support around your own journey with sensual reclamation, transforming trauma and claiming embodied pleasure, you can learn about Marlee’s coaching programs and book a Free Connect Call with her/her team at www.marleeliss.com/SWA - You can follow her on IG @marleeliss, tune into her podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts at ‘The Sensual Revolution’ or dive into her Free Training on Sensual Self-Love & Embodied Safety at marleeliss.com/freetraining
