Five Masturbation Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence

By Alisha Fisher

Masturbation May is here, but for some folks, these keys to self love can be overwhelming or even triggering. 

Healing from sexual trauma can be a tumultuous process, filled with loneliness, confusion, and many unknowns or surprising road bumps. Research on sexual violence illustrates that survivors struggle with the post traumatic effects, and they can experience various sexual problems, involving sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

As a sexuality educator, and relationship coach that works with survivors of sexual violence, I see how diverse and difficult life and pleasure can become post-harm. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and confusion arise in my workshops, and coaching sessions. Some survivors experience hyper-sensitivity to their sexual regions, or their sex drive goes through the roof. While others navigate hypo-sensitivity (does not feel mucch) in their sexual regions, and lose their ability to become aroused or even interested in sex and/or intimacy.

I envision survivorship like a freeway… miles and miles long, with many on and off ramps. We are all on this healing journey, at various locations. While some of us may be coasting along in the fast lane, others may be at a rest stop. All these points in our survivorship path are justified, real, and absolutely necessary.

With this being said, the advice and guidance I provide here may not be a place on your healing freeway that you are willing to stop at. This is okay, and I support you in making it this far in the article. You are not alone in your journey.

Now, for those who are ready for some survivor self pleasure skills and strategies, let's get to it!

1) Prime the Space with your Sexy Favorite Things

One of the most common experiences I hear from folks venturing back into self pleasure mode, is that they are not feeling it or in the mood. Sure, you can read article after article describing the best positions, or must have sex toys… but all of that is meaningless if you do not have your head in the game *insert High School Musical reference*. According to the research, pleasant feelings like joy, relaxation, and enthusiasm can improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

My recommendations,

• Organize your self pleasure zone, such as making or un-making your bed, putting on your favorite music (or porn), get yourself a drink (water, juice, tea, or even an alcoholic one) and set it up in your favorite cup, locking the door, turning off your phone, all of these can be a start!

• Prepping the space with your favorite things helps bring your mind into the space, to really focus on the here and now. Prepping your space can help remove distractions, and make you a little more relaxed.

2) Get Your Senses Involved

Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing, and Taste- these senses are used by our brain to collect information about the world around us and inform the brain if this is safe or a sketchy situation. Connecting to our five senses can help survivors with navigating our experiences with dissociation, because it keeps us grounded and present in our pleasure space. 

My recommendations,

• Select a candle that will only be used as an indicator of self-pleasure time. Light, notice, and smell this candle before you settle into pleasure town. 

• Have a pleasure blanket that can be placed under you, or wrapped around you when you want to give yourself a hug. Personally, I love the big, fluffy, colorful blankets before and during, then I switch to a weighted blanket for aftercare

• Play some tunes that resonate with you, and bring you comfort. For some folks, this could be some chill lofi beats, classical vibes, throwbacks, or even some rock or metal music. 

3) Pleasure Map Your Body

Even though we are slathered with sexual images that situate pleasure as only arising from the genitals, this is far from the truth. Pleasure is not genital dependent! Our skin is our largest sex organ, and is filled with so many erogenous zones. 

My recommendations,

• Outline your body on a piece of paper (this can be on a notepad or life-sized), select three colors, one to represent no touch zone, one for a maybe under the right circumstances zone, and one for a yes, love this area to be touched zone. Creating this body-pleasure map helps you reflect on what pleasure means to different areas of your body, helps you with communicating (to yourself or your partner(s)) what areas of your body needs attention, and insights a little bit of creative discovery for yourself. Have you ever tried rubbing the back of your neck and playing with your hair as you pleasure yourself?

4) Play with Non-Phallic Toys and Textures

Sometimes our aversions to pleasure can come from our sex toys (dildos), reminding us of the person who harmed us. This is what I, personally, love about the Emojibator brand, there are so many products that are not phallic (penis) shaped, and incite a sense of playfulness and curiosity. 

My recommendations, 

• Try pleasure products that do not depend on penetration, such as Queeni Swan Finger Vibe

• If you're struggling with the lack of sensation in your pleasure zones, try a more textured toy, such as the Pickle Emojibator  

• Lube is your best friend. Lube can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, and lessens your risk of injury and skin irritation (try some lube on a small external area first to ensure it is the right kind of lube for you), take a look at these Emojibator lubes

  5) Reward Yourself

I have said it before, and I will say it again, self pleasure is the best pleasure. Heck, if you’re able to pleasure and love yourself the way you deserve then that deserves a treat, I mean… reward! Whether you are engaging in some, 

• Aftercare, such as holding yourself, practicing words of affirmation, replenishing yourself with food or a drink, or taking a deserved nap after your session, or

• A Debrief, such as creating a pleasure report card of things that you want more of, none of, or to improve on

You deserve to treat yourself for having the strength and vulnerability to rekindle your sexual sense of self.

Alisha Fisher is an International Award Winning Speaker, PhD Human Sexuality Student, and Relationship Coach, who has been involved with the field of Sexology and Sexual Violence for over a decade. She works with individuals and people in relationships to enhance their intimate lifestyles, as well as speaking on numerous panels and to communities about her role in creating more fulfilling relationships to ourselves and others. Her enthusiasm for combining research and trauma informed practices into sexual connection has been the driving force for her presentations, workshops and coaching sessions. You can connect with Alisha's services and social media accounts on her website InspireIntimacy.com

Masturbation Empowerment

By Tabitha, President of Sexual Health Organization & Outreach at Rogers State University

Masturbation is normal!

Flicking your bean or jerking yourself off is often one of the first sexual encounters someone can have with themselves. Sometimes we become aware of those erogenous zones (a spot on the body that has heightened sensitivity or stimulation which may generate a sexual response) by accident, sitting on the edge of the couch and realizing it feels good when you move around, crossing your legs and building pressure against your genitals, the list goes on and on. Once we are aware of those feelings, we can begin to explore further. Using lube to make things more comfortable, maybe adding a cock sleeve to increase sensations, vibrators, dildos, whatever else you enjoy to increase your pleasure. This is all normal and healthy! It’s actually the safest sex you can ever have since there is no chance of getting pregnant or catching an STI. It can benefit your mental health and physical health too, when you orgasm your body releases endorphins which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good!

Masturbation & Pornography

Masturbation is often linked to pornography because some believe one cannot exist without the other, but this is not always true. Yes, pornography can increase the sexual experience both with yourself and with a partner (here’s your sign to watch porn with a consenting partner and turn up the heat!) and it can also introduce you to new sexual urges and desires that you didn’t know you’d be into! Pornography, especially ethical porn, is totally healthy and fun! Bellessa.co has some fire ethical porn and if you want to explore more audio porn to turn up your imagination I recommend Quinn, a great app full of spicy audio porn that is definitely going to unleash a side of you that you didn’t know you had!

Mutual Masturbation

If you enjoy masturbating by yourself you might enjoy masturbating alongside a partner. This can include partners masturbating themselves or each other. This is a great time to explore with temperature, toys, sensation, and more! Have your consenting partner grab an ice cube and hold it in their mouth while they drag the ice down your torso or legs, then switch positions and do the same thing to them. Add some body-safe wax to your online shopping cart drip some on your partner and have them do it to you. Grab your *CLEAN* sex toys and try them out on each other. Switch up positions here! Usually, when people masturbate they are laying on their back in their bed using their toys in one way, when you are with a partner let them take control and use those toys on you while you switch things up. Instead of laying on your back, lay on your stomach and then get up on your knees and arch your back. This can be even spicier if you and your partner lay on opposite ends of the bed looking at each other while you both touch yourself. This can be done in a quiet room so the intimacy and passion are heightened, the only noise you hear is the moans you both are making, or you can add some porn to the mix. Show your partner how you want them to touch you or what new positions you want to try. This can be really fun so be sure to dig deep and get out of your comfort zone!

Sharing sex toys

Sharing sex toys can be a HOT new addition to any sex party between you and your partner(s). The first part of ANY sexual encounter should be making sure that you have your partner’s consent. This includes telling them what you are going to do to them and allowing them to say no or change their mind without any coercion. A NO IS A NO AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. Now, be sure that all toys you will be using have been washed thoroughly. If you or your partner have not been tested for any STIs lately, consider avoiding some toys and using condoms on all of the others. This can decrease the chance for the infections to spread. Cleaning toys before and after use is crucial when it comes to sharing toys! ESPECIALLY anal toys! For a penis-owning person, consider using a cock sleeve or cock ring. These two toys can increase sensitivity and heighten your orgasm! Also, try using a vibrator on their balls or the shaft of their penis. This can be a new and fun sensation that can make you feel ~extra~ good! For a vulva-owning person, it is well known that vibrators feel GREAT on vulvas! Whether they are used externally or internally, they can feel great and can feel amazing with extra skin-to-skin contact! For both penis and vulva owners, if you are using a vibrator on them, be sure to add in some handwork to make them feel extra good! Use a wand vibrator on the balls of your penis-owning partner(s) while you stroke the shaft of their cock and use a vibrating dildo inside of your vulva-owning partners’ vagina while you massage their clit to see them really go wild and add some extra heat and passion to the experience.

Masturbation is meant to be fun and exciting and explorative! Don’t be afraid to try something new with yourself or with your partner to discover new sensations and sexual feelings that you enjoy! Masturbation is normal and healthy! Happy orgasming!

Tabitha is a sexual health advocate and the President of Sexual Health Organization & Outreach on the campus of Rogers State University in Claremore, Oklahoma. She is a member of the Advocates for Youth Condom Collective and an avid supporter of Sex Ed for All! You can follow and support RSU SHOO on Instagram and Facebook by following us and sharing our mission to destigmatize sexual health everywhere! Join the discussion!