By Sara Rosen, LCSW, M.Ed
Think back to when you were a kid, what messages did you receive about sex? Were they overwhelmingly negative? Even if you were fortunate enough to have some semblance of sexuality education in school, it was likely far from comprehensive or sex positive. Traditional sex ed always splits up the boys and girls. The boys learn about erections and ejaculation, while girls are taught about preventing pregnancy and diseases. For most women, our introduction to sexuality is not focused on pleasure whatsoever, we learn about the “dangers” of our own bodies. We learn all about the procreative functioning of our bodies, but not how to experience all of the pleasure our bodies have to offer us.
If you are confused about your sexuality and feel like you are missing something, it’s no wonder why! There have been dangerous misconceptions about female sexuality from the beginning of time. For example, let’s talk about Freud. While Freud is highly regarded as the father of psychiatry and human sexuality, he was pretty clueless when it came to female orgasm. In fact, his theories actually set back our understanding of female sexuality for generations.
Freud confidently stated that girls have clitoral orgasms, and then mature into women who have vaginal orgasms. According to Freud, clitoral orgasms were a sign of sexual and psychological immaturity. Freud went as far as classifying adult female clitoral orgasms as an indicator of mental illness. A woman who was unable to orgasm penetratively was seen as sexually inept. In reality, only about a fourth of women are able to orgasm via vaginal penetration.The vast majority of women prefer clitoral stimulation. When it comes to female orgasm, Freud likely did not leave his partners very satisfied. This mentality fostered a culture that normalizes faking orgasms. For many, this was/is a routine part of sex.
Luckily, you can take agency of your sexuality and flip the script. Here are a few tips to get you started on your sexploration:
Get acquainted with your equipment. You can hold a hand mirror up to your vulva, or try squatting over a mirror if you’re able. It’s much easier to pleasure yourself and to walk someone else through pleasuring you, if you know what parts you’re working with.
Try using toys. Work smarter not harder. You don’t need to give yourself a hand cramp when there are thousands of toys you can use that are specifically engineered to stimulate everything from your clitoris to your G-Spot. Explore what feels good, and then explore again!
Be vocal with your partners. Let them know what feels good, and what doesn’t. The worst thing you can do is fake an orgasm. Why? This conditions your partner to continue having the kind of sex that doesn’t necessarily get you off. This could be especially problematic with a life partner.
Normalize talking about sex and masturbation with your friends. Seriously, women who talk about sex with their friends have better sex with their partners! You can experience tremendous sexual benefits just from normalizing sexuality with those around you. If your friends are shy about sex, try being the one to get the conversation started! Your friends may even thank you later.
Orgasm isn’t the only measure of a sexual experience. Sex is a full body experience, our bodies are full of erogenous zones waiting to be explored. Stay in the moment and bask in what feels good, instead of focusing on what you think should be happening.
Try something new! Whether it’s a new sex position or just trying out a new restaurant, nothing is more erotic than novelty. New experiences are sexy, even if they have nothing to do with sex!
To get yourself in the mood, try watching shows/movies that depict sex scenes. The more you expose yourself to sexuality, the more present sex will be on your mind.
These are just a few tips to get you started. Remember that when it comes to learning about your sexuality, it is a journey not a destination. Like anything in life, our tastes change over time. The best thing you can do to keep your solo & partnered sex life exciting, is to stay curious!