By Ryn Pfeuffer
Like many women, I grew up thinking masturbation was abnormal. Especially those of us who were caught and scolded. (See: Ms. Pfeuffer with the handheld shower head in the bathroom). I'd listen to Dr. Ruth Westheimer's radio call-in show, "Sexually Speaking," on my Sony Walkman under the sheets late at night, fascinated by s-e-x, but never got The Talk. The nuts and bolts of bodies and anatomy were never discussed, nor were the key pillars of puberty like periods, contraception, or sexual health.
According to the Kinsey Institute, only 40 to 60 percent of women masturbate, compared to 95 to 99 percent of their male counterparts. Sure, men have advantages when it comes to getting off. Society expects and encourages male masturbation, and it's much more obvious when they've come. Yet it is a highly stigmatized topic for women, still often considered something "good" girls don't do.
There's a party in Seattle – Myself! – that celebrates masturbation, no matter your gender. Before attending Myself!, I considered myself well-versed in kink events, sex parties, and you guessed it, masturbation. I've attended who-knows-how-many such events, both public and private, and have an extensive sexual resume. That said, I'd never been to an event that centers solely on self-pleasure. I was intrigued and bought tickets for me and one of my partners.
I admit I was nervous the night of the party. Dressed in a tight black dress and sky-high stilettos, I went armed with a bag of lube, condoms, and sex toys. The event started with a mandatory circle for all attendees to go over consent and some ground rules. I'd been to many kink and sex parties in this space and always felt safe. Still, there was something different about putting such an intimate act on display (and I'm a total exhibitionist).
Usually, masturbation is frowned upon at kink and sex parties, unless consent is given by all parties involved. Like, under normal circumstances, it's a no-no to stumble upon a super-hot scene and start touching yourself. At Myself! though, a ménage a moi is encouraged.
My partner and I sat off to the side for a while and watched the activity unfold. Male guests far outweighed the women – I was one of maybe six female attendees. When I finally worked up the nerve, my partner led me to a nearby chaise lounge. We started fooling around and a small crowd of men circled us. Some were pantless; others had a hand slipped down their briefs. The common thread was they were all intently watching us and stroking themselves.
At first, I was turned on by the attention. One guest commented on how my partner and I were so into each other. I reveled that our public display of debauchery was making dicks hard. We continued to kiss, suck, and touch each other until the crowd had tripled and closed into uncomfortable proximity. And then one guy asked my partner, "Is it OK if I touch her?" Oh boy, that was a total boner killer. Fortunately, my partner understands consent and personal agency, and replied, "You’ll have to ask her.” At this point, my mood shifted from hot and bothered to simply bothered. We decided to go home and have sex without a few dozen whipped-out dicks.
In theory, I love the concept of having a dedicated space and event for communal bonding over self-pleasure. I masturbate virtually with a group of women every weekend via Zoom and can attest to how powerful and freeing it is to share the pleasure of masturbation. That said, I wish women better attended the event. I’m pansexual and sexually attracted to all genders. Also, I would have liked to see more mutual masturbation. Some of my most memorable sexual encounters have entailed no physical touch. I imagine a quick conversation about consent and boundaries could yield hot, hands-free sex with a stranger. Remember, your pleasure is critical to every sexual experience, no matter how casual or otherwise. Instead, most participants engaged in solitary play. Men, all cisgender, and I assume, straight, mainly kept to themselves, rarely interacting with other men. The majority of attention, unsurprisingly, focused on single women and couples.
Sure, I may have gotten a little claustrophobic by a circle of cocks and a consent misstep. But at no time did I ever feel unsafe. I’ve had plenty of time to process the experience, have a better idea of what to expect, and would 100% go back in the future. But, next time, I’m going to bring some of my female sex-positive friends.
Here’s to events and experiences that encourage people to take up space, ask for what they want, and prioritize their pleasure. Pleasure is my – and your – birthright. So, let’s celebrate it every chance we can.