HOT BITS FILM FESTIVAL: BRINGING QUEER SEX-POSITIVE PORN TO THE MASSES

If you’ve been staying tuned this weekend, you’d know Hot Bits is participating in the 24-hour smut fest, Exposed.

Hot Bits is an annual immersive film and event series that utilizes pornography, curation, and placemaking as social practice to transform spaces into momentary universes and alternate dimensions of queer liberation for trans, BIPOC, kinky, sex-positive queer people and sex workers. We curate erotic film, performance, visual art, vending, workshops, and after-parties. We were started in Philadelphia and are organized by a collective with members based in Philly, Baltimore, and Boston. 

Their goal is to celebrate and elevate alternative representations of sex and pleasure. They believe that erotic art, made by and for queer and marginalized people, uncovers the self-determination necessary for fully liberated connection and collective healing: bodily, creatively, and culturally.

Their project is organized by and centers the work and sexual healing of QTBIPoC, sex workers, survivors of assault, trans and cis women/femmes, fat folks, disabled folks, freaks, aliens and witches. They curate a range of works from soft to hardcore and encourage first-time filmmakers and DIY projects.

They’ve given us some sneak-previews of films you may be happy to find on this weekend’s smut fest as well as the official Hot Bits events.

In “Eat Me Outside,” two lovers enjoy a hot session of pussy worship on a balcony overlooking a busy street in Colombia!

Directed by BEYONDEEP (@beyondeep); Featuring Honey G & K Rivers

2020 Barranquilla, Colombia;7 minutes. http://campsite.bio/beyondeep

A metaphysical trip of self discovery, from the seven principles of Hermetism to the seven keys to master our lives. (Inspired by true fuckts).

Directed byJorgeTheObscene; Featuring Rafael Medina, JorgeTheObscene, Sultan of Filth, Schoko Channel, Tristan Rehbold, Jo Pollux, Kate Hole, Medad Rangay, Candy Flip, Mad Kate, Nicky Miller, & Gio Black Peter.

2019 Berlin, Germany; 21 minutes.

www.jorgetheobscene.com

Learn more about Hot Bits here and on Instagram

HOW TO PERFORM CUNNILINGUS: 10 TIPS

Cunnilingus is known as one of the most complicated and most intimidating sexual acts there are. 

Maybe because there is much variation in what ‘’works’’ and there is no right set of moves that will make them orgasm. 

Why? 

Everyone is individual and everyone has different preferences and likes. Every vagina is different. Some like this, some like that, some like more things at the same time. Well, you got the picture.

How to do down on someone is a skill you’ll want to master, because one might say that giving oral sex is the best way to sexually please women and a key to a happy relationship.

Hopefully, we did not scare you already. Performing cunnilingus is tricky, but these tips are going to send you in the right direction, and eventually, you'll be able to give the intense orgasm they deserve.

Just relax, do your best, and know communication is key.

So...

How to perform cunnilingus

• Talk

Talk, talk, talk, and communicate. The conversation will help in so many ways and build up your relationship.

There is nothing wrong with asking: Do you like that? Did you like that more? Am I going too fast? What do you like?

• Set the tempo 

You’ll want to start light and slow and gradually build speed and pressure.

And take your time, the average woman takes 15 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm.

• Think about tongue movements

With the tongue movements, I’d say experimenting is the key.

Go up and down, circles, counterclockwise circles, side to side, pulsating in one place, wrap your mouth around the clit and suck.

• Pay attention to the body language

This one is very simple. If they like what you are doing, you’ll know it.

Pay attention to her breathing pattern and hand and hip movement.

• Eye contact

Eye contact is incredibly sexy and very intimate so be sure to look up every now and then.

• Use your tongue, lips, and fingers

Mix things up. Like inserting a finger or two, while you lick them. Use your lips to go over the clitoral hood or maybe throw in some nipple stimulation with your fingers.

• Don’t forget about the labia                   

There are many nerve endings in inner and outer labia, so make sure you don’t skip it.

• A toy is (most likely) welcome.

Before you do introduce a sex toy, ask if that’s okay.

Try playing with butt plugs, vibrators, or dildos.

•  Don’t stop.

Never stop when they start coming unless they specifically told you to. They will love you for it.

Think of these tips more like guidelines than a set of strict rules. You should always communicate with your partner and experiment with what they like.

Written by Luka of Spices of Lust

A LOVE LETTER TO MY HITACHI I FORGOT TO BRING WITH ME DURING LOCKDOWN

My dearest, darling Hitachi,

Oh, how I long for you! 

I’m sick to my stomach about accidentally leaving you behind in the city while I went to quarantine at my parent’s house. When this pandemic was thrust upon us, everything was spinning! No one knew what was happening! I packed my bags and escaped to the suburbs in such a panicked rush that I foolishly forgot to free you from my nightstand. Now I’ve been here without you for almost three months now and I am full of regret.

Particularly at this time, without me, you may be asking yourself, Why are we not spending day after day, night after night together? And I just want to assure you, not a minute goes by that your deep vibrations aren’t on my mind.

Summer is near and the days are long, darling. Every night, just like I’m doing right now, I watch the sunset alone with you in my thoughts. The cool breeze tingles like your electricity. The sliver of the moon smiles the same smile you have brought to my face in our four years together. Remember when we first met, dear? Oh, how you brought me such a fright with your demanding power! I even had to put a sock on you. Remember?

Now you haunt me. I close my eyes and see your slender wand. Your long cord plugged into the wall of my bedroom. Your simple switch. I open my eyes and I swear I see your white, rubber head in the clouds! Is it you, sweet pea? Are you spying on me from miles away? Are you thinking of me from the trenches of my underwear drawer? 

I am horny, my love! 

These are hard times, darling. But we must remain in good health. We must find ways to stay sane and happy while we’re separated. Which is why I must tell you, I have been finding pleasure in my very own two hands. Can you believe it, love? These ten, simple, motorless fingers bringing me to climax! I think I can hear you laughing!  But before you, they were all I had! And now they’re all I have again…

I hope you do not think of my hands as a betrayal, my dear. Because you can never be replaced. My fingers are a mere reminder of you, a ghost of what you have the ability to do to me. These hands are kind but they do not bring me the baker’s dozen of orgasms that you do. You have the ability to penetrate me, split me, drill me without ever peeling back the layer of my underwear. You are a magnificent lover and I love you more than seems humanly possible. So it is with your best interests in mind that I beg you to continue to plug in without me. No, do not replace me, as I will not you, but please, keep your motor running during these turbulent times. 

Do not slow on my behalf. Do not rust in my absence. We may be separated now but we are inseparable in the heart and mind, darling.  It is human nature to want to feel good, to want to please, and we must continue to do so. Whenever the stars align for our timely reunion, I will not judge you and I hope you not me. 

The sun has just about set. I must leave you for tonight, dearest. Kiss the Emojibators for me and tell the Lelo Sona Cruise I am thinking of her. Whenever you read this, please imagine me gripping you tight, melting and moaning. Let’s hope it won’t be much longer before we can find ourselves together again. 

I’ll be dreaming of you. That is a promise. Dream of me?

Yours wholly and truly,

Carolyn

P.S. Honey, I could use some cigarettes if you got any.

Written by Carolyn Busa, creator of mysexproject.com

FUN WAYS TO EXPLORE YOUR XXXTRA SELF IN LOCKDOWN

To celebrate Masturbation month, we’ve partnered up with Shushbox to do something a little fun for those who might be struggling to find inspiration in the current lockdown. Whether you’re quarantining indoors with your boo (yes, mutual masturbation is a thing) or riding solo, here are 3 ways to explore yourself this May.

Express yourself through dance

Dancing along to some of your fave tunes (even for a cheeky five mins whilst getting ready in the morning) can boost happiness and improve creative thinking. Dancing not only releases endorphins (the happy hormones!), which helps to reduce stress and promote relaxation but is also a fab way to express our bodies and sexual energy through a movement that can help in boosting self-confidence. Whilst we dance, since our blood is already flowing, this is also a great time to explore our bodies a little closer…if ya know what we mean. So put on a sexy playlist, rub up on yourself, and dance like nobody is watching.

Try Mirror Work

Remember… Self-pleasure IS Self-love. Masturbation boosts self-esteem and can also relieve stress. With a mirror, the experience becomes even more sensual as all distractions can be removed and you, your body, and your pleasure can take the limelight. So turn your notifications OFF, light some candles, get comfortable and take some time out to connect with yourself. By watching your reflection in the mirror, you’ll be able to match feelings of pleasure with specific strokes to find what feels good for you at the moment.

Erotic Writing

Reading about people getting it ON can be fun, open our minds and encourage the exploration of new sexual activities. These may be fantasies we don’t even want to try in real life, but it’s a way to see what get’s us hot under the collar in a safe way. Writing about getting down and dirty can also have similar effects. Creative writing can be a form of escapism and allow you to release feelings and emotions, another great way to explore your fantasizes a little further. Or maybe you just want to go down memory lane and remember some of those hot and steamy experiences in the el wanko banko? Either way, pick up a pen and get scribbling.

And on that note. If you’re feeling inspired, we’ve got a competition to get those creative juices flowing sis!

How often do you and your bestie share your naughty secrets? Well, we want IN. Until May 24th, you have the chance to tell your very own sexy AF story and be featured on Shushbox. So go, dish the dirt and submit your stories, from either IRL experiences or your wildest imagination, with a minimum of 500 and maximum of 1,000 words to hello@shushbox.com to be in with a chance to win.

The best 3 submissions will also receive self lovin’ goodies from our babes at Emojibator, Lovability, Fluide Beauty, Ryan Porter and £50 to spend BIG with Missguided. All submissions will also receive one year's free subscription to Shushbox! See the full details of what’s up for grabs at www.shushbox.com/help-a-hun.

So what are you waiting for? Release your XXXtra self and help a fellow hun to get off this May. Now if that’s not Sisterhood, we’re not sure what is!

Competition closes May 24th, 6 pm BST with winners announced on 28th May.

Originally posted by Shushbox on Missguided’s BabeZine

Mindful Masturbation: Heightening Awareness for Your Self-Pleasure Journey

Coincidentally or not, May is both Masturbation Month as well as Mental Health Month, so I hope this piece on Mindful Masturbation ties the two together nicely.

Consider: Do you consider masturbation part of your self-care routine? 

In this world inundated with PornHub highlights and fast-swiping dating apps, your masturbation practice may not be the first place you look for mindfulness. Instead of the perpetual race to orgasm, like we race from appointment to appointment, research suggests that a mindful approach to masturbation is effective in treating sexual difficulties related to performance anxiety, stress, depression, low libido, body image issues, chronic pain, and sexual trauma.

The basic principle is simple: Instead of only using your breath as a focal point during mindfulness exercises like meditation and body scanning, you also concentrate on pleasurable sensations that ground you in your body. No matter your lifestyle, you can benefit from incorporating mindfulness into your self-pleasure time.

The intent is not necessarily to orgasm. Instead, you indulge in discovering the textures, temperatures, visuals, memories, movements, pressures, smells, tastes, and sounds that turn you on and please your body. The only “requirement” of this practice is to let go of the preconceived notions of what mindfulness should be.

Masturbation is heightened during mindfulness. Try following these guidelines for a mindful practice.

• Listen to your body and mind. Heighten the sensations around each point of your body, starting with your toe and working your way up. What different sensations do you notice? Don’t worry about the orgasm. Enjoy the present sensations.

• Try using your imagination instead of porn. It’s ok to think about an ex, a friend, or a stranger. Fantasies can be separate from reality.

• Learning without judgment. Avoid thoughts and distractions during your practice. Turn off the critical voice inside your head. When practicing mindfulness, the key is to focus your totality on the present moment. Complete immersion into the present increases your state of pleasure.

• Check-in with yourself. Invite feedback and welcome thoughts to pass by. No question is too weird, too small, or off-limits. Ask yourself “How does this feel?” and “Is this something I want to explore more?”

• Mix up your practice each time so that it does not become habitual or mundane. Use your breath, sound, touch, and movement to create a different practice each time. If you’re usually lying down, try sitting upright, or standing. Practice breathing fast; other times, slow and deep. Experiment with sound—moans, grunts, screams, “dirty” talk, music, or even spoken word. If you always touch yourself the same way, try new types of touch in new places on your body. If you always masturbate using a sex toy or vibrator, try some practices without those or vice versa. Dress in sexy clothes and have fun taking them off as you might with a lover. Engage your curiosity to help your practice remain mindful and fun.

• Savor in the moment.  Use the last five to ten minutes of your practice to lay, sit, or stand in stillness and just breathe deep and savor what you’ve created in your body. Think about the yoga pose “savasana,” also known as corpse pose or basic relaxation pose. It is possibly the most important (and difficult) part of a person's entire practice. If you don’t know what true relaxation feels like, you’re missing out on a world of mental health benefits.

Remember, this is a practice. Like after a productive workout, your mindfulness muscles will be sore from facing blockers — this could be fear of intimacy, trauma, self-defeating thinking, or boredom. Use these as learning opportunities. This shift in perspective embedded in mindfulness allows you to more easily return to a sense of presence when your mind inevitably wanders or comes up against those blocks, ultimately soreness is the strengthening of your muscles.

This all may sound abstract at first, but studies have shown physical evidence of increased pleasure. Both orgasm length and intensity demonstrate increases after incorporating a mindful masturbation practice. As the name suggests, “self-pleasure” should be about gratifying your own needs and desires. Take your time to listen to your body and mind and let your intuition guide you as you prioritize your pleasure time.

As we reflect on what masturbation & mindfulness means to us, and the history of Masturbation Month, ask yourself, does masturbation deserve a place in sex education?

Written by Joe Vela, musician and co-founder of Emojibator

MASTURBATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: REAL QUESTIONS, ANSWERED

We often think of masturbation as a strictly solo activity, but many (many) people in relationships masturbate too. I run an app called OkaySo, where we answer real questions about sex and relationships (for free) and we get tons of questions about masturbation and couple-dom. From differences in sex drives to a partner who doesn’t think masturbation is ok - there are lots of potential issues. Here are some of my favorite real questions from users and our responses. If you’ve ever struggled with masturbation issues in your relationship, I hope this helps.

Q1: I am in a long-distance relationship and I just recently started to masturbate and it feels good, but then afterward I sometimes feel guilty for doing it. Should I feel guilty? Is it bad to masturbate when you are in a committed relationship?

A1: It’s not bad at all! Many people in committed relationships masturbate. Masturbation is a great way to relieve stress, explore new things, feel a release if you’re horny… you get the idea. It can be really great.

There’s an idea we have in our society that when we’re in a relationship, the other person should be “everything” for us - sexually and emotionally. But that just isn’t true. There are things we can do for ourselves that another person can’t do, or we might just want time alone - all of that is ok. Plus, you’re in a long distance relationship! You have less access to being physical with your partner, but being in a long distance relationship doesn’t mean your pleasure gets put on hold.

I’m curious if you’ve talked with your partner about this at all. I know it can feel a bit scary to bring up something like masturbation with a partner, but if you’re worried about what they might think, the only way to really know is to talk about it. If they’re someone who cares about your pleasure, then they should be 100% ok with it. You could even try masturbating together while on the phone - it’s a fun way to be intimate when you can’t physically be together. 

Q2: I’m transgender (female to male), and ever since I’ve started testosterone I’m always horny or turned on and I have no idea why. It’s to the point where I need to masturbate or have sex almost every day and it causes a large strain on my relationship.

A2: You are definitely not alone in having this issue - I’m really glad you reached out. Testosterone is a hormone that can increase sex drive, sometimes dramatically. When we’re teenagers, the rapid increase in either testosterone or estrogen is part of what drives our arousal levels, and starting testosterone later in life has a similar effect. 

It sounds like your sex drive and your partner’s sex drive are now different from each other, when maybe before they were closer together. This is a super normal thing, something many couples experience for a large variety of reasons. How to handle it is something that each couple has to figure out for themselves, but it will need to involve some amount of compromise on both sides. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like your partner might not be ok with you masturbating. This is an opinion that’s common in relationships - one partner masturbating can make the other person feel insecure - like they’re not “enough”. But in fact, tons of people who are in relationships masturbate, because there are lots of reasons to do it, so that’s where I would recommend starting. It’s hard to ask your partner for more sex than they feel like having, but if you want to masturbate, that is a completely reasonable request. 

Q3: I’m never horny and I can’t seem to orgasm unless I’m masturbating while he’s inside me. I feel like I’m hurting him because he thinks I’m not attracted to him anymore. What can I do to stop doing it myself and let him do it?

A3: What you’re experiencing is actually quite common. A lot of people don’t know that the clitoris (not the vagina) is the source of pleasure. In fact, the clitoris has roots that extend back into the body and surround the vagina - so many researchers believe that vaginal orgasms are really internal clitoral orgasms. But only about 25% of people with vaginas can have those. 

The rest of us need to stimulate the clitoris to reach orgasm. Just to reiterate - that’s 75% of people with vaginas. So, touching yourself during penetration to reach orgasm is a great way to get there! 

It might help your partner to know the statistics above - often if someone is expecting a vaginal orgasm to happen they can feel like they’re not doing enough, but in reality, it sounds like vaginal orgasms just aren’t going to be your thing. If your partner is invested in your pleasure, then they’ll get on the clitoris train and figure out what you need. Maybe they can use their fingers or you can get a vibrator or you can keep doing what you’ve been doing since it’s been working. 

One more thing to discuss - if we’re worried about how we’re orgasming or worrying about what our partner thinks, sex stops being a pleasurable, intimate thing and becomes onerous. So it makes sense to me that you’re never horny - who wants to have stressful sex? Working through some of these things with your partner will hopefully help sex feel less connected to all of these negative emotions. 

Q4: So I've known for about 2 years that I don't enjoy masturbating and if I do it's only because my boyfriend gets off on it. I'm not completely turned off by the idea but I wouldn't do it on my own because I want to. Is that normal? Do I have to enjoy masturbating?

A4: You totally don’t have to enjoy masturbating. There are some people who do not. In my experience as a sexuality educator, there are usually three possible reasons for this. The first is that someone is asexual and doesn’t really experience sexual arousal at all. The second is that they feel some amount of shame or guilt about masturbation that keeps it from being a positive experience. The third is (if they have a vagina) that they are masturbating through vaginal penetration and haven’t experienced the wonders of the clitoris yet. 

All of that being said, if masturbation isn’t for you, then you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do sexually. Ever. With anyone. Including your boyfriend. It sounds like you’re being very giving towards him and that’s a nice quality, but also if it’s in any way making you feel uncomfortable or is something you don’t really want to be doing, then you don’t have to do it. I’m guessing there are lots of other ways that your boyfriend enjoys being sexual with you that the two of you can do together. 

If either of the things I mentioned around shame and guilt or lack of pleasure struck a chord with you, then it may also be that masturbation could be something you could grow to enjoy - if you’re interested in exploring more. 

Q5: I think that my constant masturbating has begun to affect my sex life with my girlfriend. I’ve stopped masturbating as much and use toys instead of my hand. Is there anything I can do?

A5: It sounds like there might be two things happening here, both of which are affecting your ability to have an orgasm with your partner. The first is that if you’re masturbating a lot, you might not feel like you want to be sexual with your partner as much, or have as much sexual tension when you’re with her. The second is that sometimes our bodies can get used to a certain kind of stimulation and it can be harder to be with someone else who is doing things differently. 

Cutting back can help and using toys is a really great idea! You can also use lube and you could consider changing the time of day or varying the location so that your brain gets used to different situations and scenarios. If you watch porn, try not to watch porn, etc. Just start changing things up in any way you can. We are creatures of habit, so training your brain to be more flexible when it comes to stimulation can do wonders.

Written by Elise Schuster, MPH, Co-Founder of okayso (IG @heyokayso)

WATCH: GUIDED MEDITATIVE MASTURBATION SESSION WITH DR. JENN

This video is appropriate for anyone with a vulva to watch, to learn, and to practice, but it’s especially helpful for people who feel shame or embarrassment about their genitals or masturbation.

This is a non-explicit guided session that will teach you new skills in a sensual, mindful presence. 

I recommend watching the video once to get a feel for the session and to prepare yourself, and then playing it a second time following Dr Jenn’s instructions and letting her voice guide you through the practice.

CLICK TO WATCH

About the expert

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, intimacy and communication coach, and author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. 

Dr. Jenn is a national speaker on couples’ intimacy, sexual consent, gender communication, women’s empowerment, erotic play, and mindful sex. She has presented two TEDx Talks, is the co-host of the podcast Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc, and has over 1.6 million hits on her In the Den with Dr. Jenn YouTube video series. She lives and plays in a beach town in San Diego, CA!)

Follow her on Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook.

Originally posted on the Lust Ed Video Series

FINDING A HOME FOR SELF-PLEASURE IN QUEERLESQUE

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, its a Hitachi wand?? 

Never thought you’d see those words together, did you?

When I got the idea for the performance, I had imagined myself floating in an abyss with life-sized dildos, but I didn’t think I would be cooped up in my apartment covered in pink paint crafting a giant piece of cardboard into the Hitachi wand of my dreams. 

Under my stage name Major Curl, I was cast to perform in Black Hole Burlesque’s “Love Sucks 5,” a show catering to all the post-Valentine’s Day lonely hearts, and thirsty eyes. 

A 1950’s radio version of Splish Splash by Bobby Darin comes on, the piece starts with a scene of me in the bath, a nostalgic take on my first self-pleasure trip. In my fuzzy white robe, I blew bubbles into the crowd, hopping into the bath, I got to scrubbin’. 

PHOTO CREDIT DRACO SEYE PHOTOGRAPHY

Naive 14-year-old me didn’t know the pain of a water brush burn, The audience watches my discomfort and dismay and I rocket out of the bathtub and lay eyes on……not a bird, not a plane, but a Hitachi wand?! Etta James “At last” rolls on, as I become doe-eyed, smitten with its big pink head, and shiny button. I find myself caressing the toy, taking up the entire length of my body, my Hitachi, and I embark on the partner dance of a lifetime.

PHOTO CREDIT DRACO SEYE PHOTOGRAPHY

With the show description reading “Love Sucks 5, We're back for the 5th year in a row to make you laugh, cry, and provide ALL the weird boners,” my interpretation of  “Love Sucks” was one of the self-pleasure variety. Nothing screams post-v-day blues like a new sex toy.

PHOTO CREDIT DRACO SEYE PHOTOGRAPHY

A clip from the performance can be viewed at: @_major_curl

The full performance can be viewed on Patreon

Join Major’s Patreon for $5 today for more content

Major Curl (they/them) is a Philly-based drag performer

WHY I SHOULD HAVE MASTURBATED BEFORE I STARTED HAVING SEX

Throughout my early adolescence, I was never encouraged to self-pleasure and this is something I now know that many women have also experienced. When it came to having sex for the first time, I did not realize how important masturbation and self-pleasuring are for women to enjoy sex. Most women have heard about the infamous “G-spot” or  Gräfenberg spot, which was coined by Addiego et al. in 1981, even though Gräfenberg’s work took place in the 40s. He characterized the  G-spot as an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms, and potential female ejaculation. What many people don't know is that his claims were tested on far too many subjects and not supported with enough biological or anatomical evidence. This miraculous G-Spot has not only made women feel insufficient in their ability to orgasm, but the location of the G-spot would be targeted by a male partner. Gräfenberg’s discovery reinforced this idea that a woman needs a partner in order to have an orgasm. As a result, many women were discouraged from self-exploring, as this wasn’t common practice.  

With a better understanding of the female body, we know that achieving an orgasm can come from a variety of methods. Nevertheless, due to this historical understanding of the vulva and society's expectation of women and sexuality, exploring my own body was never encouraged by doctors, textbooks or even amongst my peer group. My only understanding of an orgasm was based on the inaccurate understanding of Gräfenberg’s finding and as a result, I  internalized this as the need for a partner if I wanted to achieve an orgasm. This perception really made my first sexual experience extremely uncomfortable and foreign. I did not understand how to stimulate, finger, or foreplay on my own to please myself,  how was I supposed to do this with someone else? 

After having different partners and becoming interested in self-pleasuring, I have begun to understand the importance of knowing one's own body and how to please oneself in order to ultimately have  fulfilling and great sex. 

These are a few things I wish I did before having sex for the first time. If I could go back I would, because as much as I felt ready mentally, from an anatomical perspective I didn’t understand enough about my own vulva and vagina to have great sex from the start. 

This is why I should have masturbated before I had sex:

• I would have understood my own personal anatomy 

  • Vulvas and vaginas are two different organs and both can help you achieve an orgasm, you just have to play around and figure out what works for you 

• I would have known what I enjoyed doing for myself

  • Enjoy self-exploration, take your time with this so you know exactly what you want,  this will give you the ability to clearly and confidently articulate what you want to your partner 

• Would have had a better and more confident experience with sex

  • Understanding my own body better would have made me feel more confident in sharing intimate body parts with my partner for the first few times 

• I Would not have placed my sexual exploration in the hands of anyone but myself 

  • When you know how to do it yourself, having a partner becomes the icing on the cake, not the cake itself 

I think the most important thing to take away from this is that sex is not only with a partner but with yourself. Holding that experience solely with another person does not always give you the opportunity to explore exactly what pleases you and what you want. As a young woman, I wish there was a forum of young women to tell me that I have agency over my body, my orgasms, and it is not up to my partner to provide me with these experiences, it is ultimately up to myself to explore my body safely and overtime to decided how I want to share sex and what is good for me.

If you want to hear other women's experiences, stories, or tips on sex? Ladies, Let’s Talk About Sex is a Montreal initiative based out of McGill Univerisity. This organization encourages women to get comprehensive and positive sex education. They host a variety of sexual health seminars led by healthcare professionals who engage in an inclusive and educational dialogue surrounding sex. They have also started their own podcast, check out the “Ladies, Let’s Talk About Sex” on Apple Podcast and Spotify every Monday for new episodes. For more information about the organization and their events, follow them on Facebook and Instagram @LadiesLetsTalkAboutSex!

Felicia Gisondi runs the podcast Ladies, Let’s Talk About Sex! and can be found on Instagram here

SHAKE IT UP: UPGRADE YOUR SKILLS, UPGRADE YOUR PLEASURE

Guess what? Your body is changing. So is mine. So is everyone’s! It’s a fact of life. And that includes your sexual response. As we age - even from year to year - our body becomes capable of new and different things. Changes in our relationships, our wellness, our activity levels, and our stress levels will affect our sexual responses, too!

It can also be frustrating to find that as our bodies change, what used to work for us no longer does. Maybe you’re on a medication that’s affecting your orgasms. Or you’re not able to get aroused as fast as you used to. Maybe your body doesn’t bend the same ways, or your stamina isn’t what it used to be. And we know that old saying, right? If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you get. Not changing our patterns means that we might end up frustrated and stressed - and that is definitely not the kind of experience we want to have when exploring our sexuality.

Switching up our masturbation skills can help us explore and expand on what our own ideas of pleasure are. But when it comes to changing them up, we often get brain locked and don’t know where - or how - to start. Never fear! We’ve got some great ideas to help you shake up your pleasure:

-Fantasize! What’s going on in our minds has a direct impact on our sexual pleasure. We know that physical arousal can result from mental stimulation, so dive in and explore new things that can get you turned on. If you’re looking for new fantasy material, a sex-positive dating app like #open can let you check out what other folks think is hot and see what sounds intriguing to you - you can even connect with them and talk about why they’re into it (or interested in it) too. 

-Try something new. If you’re a clit-focused person, try an insertable toy. Do a little anal play (external, or internal) to see how that feels. Aim for your g-spot or prostate. Try two or three things together. If you rarely use lube - try using it for masturbation. If you usually use a vibrator, try incorporating a non-vibrating toy. You can even try an “anything but” session - play with your body in any way other than your normal masturbatory routine. See what else might feel good that you hadn’t tried before, or that you might have sidelined years ago because it wasn’t the kind of “boom” you were looking for - you might be surprised!

-Talk about it. When we’re talking to our partners about pleasure, it can open up a whole new world of possibilities for you to explore, both separately and together. Have a little “show and tell” session where each of you demonstrates what you like - you can even make suggestions to your partner about other places they might want to touch themselves. Not only is this a hot idea for a video or in-person date, but it can also be a great way to gather some tips on how to add more pleasure to your partnered play. 

-Ditch the shame. There is nothing wrong with masturbating. There’s nothing wrong with stroking your penis or clitoris. There’s nothing wrong with playing with your butt. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, either. In fact, there’s everything *right* about doing those things. Our bodies are literally made to experience pleasure - and as long as it feels good and you’re not pushing yourself too far, let yourself feel that pleasure. Buy yourself something sexy to wear, get yourself a new toy, indulge in some high-quality lube, and show yourself that your sexuality is worth celebrating.

Sarah Sloane (she/her) is a nationally recognized sexuality & relationships educator and coach. Sloane works as the Education & Communications Consultant for #open, an inclusive dating and community app that welcomes members of all genders, orientations, and relationship structures.

THE DOWN PILLOW TOPPER

I hated that bed. It was so soft. A very soft, very expensive mattress with an enormous down pillow topper. I'd just sink into it and feel like I was drowning. Sometimes I'd pretend the dog peed on the pillow topper and then leave it, a mountain, bunched up in the hamper for as long as possible before my partner started complaining about it being missing. It never occurred to me that I could just tell my partner that I wanted a different mattress setup. I had no communication skills.

So late one night after my partner was asleep, when I got up out of that horrendously soft bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. When I slowly, very quietly, squatted down on the black and white tile floor and started to investigate myself for the first time. When I touched myself alone for the very first time ever and experienced my first orgasm. When all that happened, well, I didn't know how to communicate about that either.

We were very young, and we grew up in the south. We didn't believe in sex before marriage. I felt so much shame around it all that I just dried up inside before I ever knew I was a flower.

Blooming was hard. In some ways that first orgasm was the point when I chose to feel loneliness. My fiance had a trust fund, and a loving family, and we all were very happily codependent. I didn't need to have a job if I didn't want to work. His dad was an ER doctor and we had great health insurance. The church told us what to think about all the hard things. It was a very safe and comforting life.

I was having panic attacks. The whole world was beginning to feel like that too-soft mattress. One night while I slept would all those soft down feathers just completely encase me? Would there be anything left of me except what I was surrounded by?

When I left my partner, I said "I don't want to marry you, and I don't believe in God."

That was true. But the third thing I couldn't say was, "I have become a sexual being and I don't know what that means."

Written by Sunny Allen

www.SunnyAllen.com

MUTUAL MASTURBATION: THE PERFECT DATE NIGHT UNDER QUARANTINE

I might be just speaking for myself but quarantine is kicking my sex drive’s ASS. I find myself in a weird transition between either very high highs looking to explore every kink or fetish I’ve ever had a weird dream about, or wanting my partner so far away from me I politely ask if he can spend time on the opposite side of my house. They are great, but sometimes I just need 5 minutes to myself, I’m sure some of you can relate. 

As a society, we have found ourselves within a “new normal” which means some of us spend a large amount of time with our romantic partners, something that has been an adjustment for me and my masturbation schedule. 

Although the sex within my relationship has always been spicy, after 4 weeks in quarantine I realized I was entering a sex ‘groundhog day” for the first time and it was mostly my doing. As a way to spice things up within my relationship I decided the best decision would be to take penetrative sex off the table for a night, and transition to suggesting something new… 

“ Masturbation in relationships can be tricky. By asserting your need to have a different kind of sexual experience than your partner can provide, it can feel like a rejection of them.” Dr. Sparkle ( twitter). Masturbation can sometimes be a weird talking point for couples who share all other intimacy. It feels vulnerable and sometimes invasive. It can be a completely private event in which you allow yourself to be completely honest with your body but can be scary to share with others. 

Within my own relationship, I knew that I personally had a partner who identifies as sex-positive. A partner who is always looking for me to initiate, and open up to them.  So I knew the suggestion of mutual masturbation would stimulate him, not inherently scare him away. But I wanted to go even bolder, raunchier within our usual scenes.

 I first laid out all of the toys I owned in a nice neat row, placing them perfectly in between us where we sat on opposite ends of the couch. I leaned over intimately, making sure a bit of cleavage was present and whispered in his ear ‘pick one for me, and I’ll pick one for you”. His eyes perked up at me controlling the narrative AND his orgasm. As we slowly went back and forth from personal arousal to virtual stimulation from the other, he politely asked me if he was allowed to cum. 

Mutual masturbation can be an easy sexual space to share with a partner (or two), while still being highly entertaining and erotic. The denial of touch from the other, along with learning what makes your partner “get off” makes it a perfect buildup for a night in. We find ourselves in a new situation that calls for some adaptability, safety, and excitement. Watching your partner masturbate while sipping on a nice glass of wine can be the perfect date night under quarantine.  I highly suggest spicing it up even more by adding accessories to help give options and to give partnered play to increase the pleasure. I personally love when my partner gives me their controls. 

By Megan Ixim, IG @msgiggles

MASTURBATING WITH A VAGINA: 10 TIPS AND TRICKS

The XConfessions App Guide to Masturbating with a Vagina 

It’s Masturbation Month and as I’m urging you all to self pleasure for 31 days (download my free masturbation inspiration calendar here!) I thought now would be a good time to look at some fun tips & tricks for solo sex if you have a vagina. 

We can fall into a routine with our masturbation sessions and don’t always put as much effort into solo sex as we do with partnered sex, so this month I want you to take some time to think about your routine – mix it up, experiment with new things, take your time, and give your body the pleasure it deserves! 

Plus, if you’re in need of some new masturbation tools, check out the giveaway on my Instagram to be in with a chance of winning  a sexy toy from LELO! 

Ready, set, masturbate…

1. Erogenous Exploration 

First things first, remember that masturbation doesn’t have to be limited to your genitals. Touch your breasts, thighs, stomach, feet… anywhere that feels good. 

2. Do The DIY Dildo

Give your usual sex toys a break and mix it up with some new objects in your home. Showerhead? Yes please. Back of a cold spoon on your clitoris? Go on then… 

3. Move It

While you’re probably used to lying on your back on your bed and using your fingers or toys to stimulate yourself, you can have a completely new experience just by changing positions or moving around your home!

Try sitting on your knees and pressing your clitoris up against a vibrator, stimulate yourself in doggie style, close your legs, open your legs, lift your legs as high as possible, lay flat on your stomach, stand up… try it all and see what feels good! 

If you always masturbate in your bedroom try masturbating somewhere else for a change. Kitchen, bathroom, sofa, yoga mat… your home is your oyster.  

4. Booty Nights

If you’re curious about butt stuff then you can start experimenting with the glorious anus by yourself. Start your journey by circling the anus with a lubed (very important) finger and slowly working your way in.

If that feels good then you can experiment with butt plugs and toys!

5. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Do it in front of a mirror & see just how sexy you are!  

6. Turn on your Mind

Whether you want to watch some adult movies, listen to some audio porn, remember sexy times from your past, look at arousing images, or read some erotica, try experimenting with some different ways to turn yourself on between the ears.

7. Water Baby  

Water can be extremely sensual, and there’s nothing like a steamy room to get you in the mood. Get in the bath or shower and pleasure yourself under running water, you can also experiment by changing the temperature of the water from warm to cold to heighten your senses and see what feels good. 

If you’ve got the luxury of a hot tub jet or just an adjustable shower head, you can use the added pressure to stimulate your clitoris. And if you’re feeling really frisky try a suction dildo that attaches to the surface of the tub. 

Splish splash…

8. Music

Get some tunes on. Music can really help set the mood for your sexy time, create a Spotify playlist with all the songs that get your juices flowing or check out my sexy-time playlist for when you’re ready to get down at your party for one.

9. Temperature Play 

Whether you buy special heating/cooling lube or you do it DIY and get some ice cubes and a heat pad, it’s fun to experiment with temperature things at home alone before you try it with a partner. 

10.  Edging

Bring yourself to the edge of orgasm and then slow everything down so you don’t actually climax. Go through this cycle a few times for as long as you can for a more intense orgasm when you finally give it to yourself!

You can make this even more extreme by forbidding yourself from orgasm all together. Try getting yourself to the edge, and stop just before you climax. Force yourself to get up, walk away and continue with whatever you were doing beforehand. Depending how intense you want it to be, you choose how long you forbid yourself for. 

I would love to hear more about your experiences and any other tips you have. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments! 

You can also check out my other Guides to the XConfessions App & if you haven’t played the XConfessions App yet you can download it here.

Originally posted on Erika Lust.com

5 CHANGES THAT HAVE IMPROVED MY ORGASMS

I must confess that sometimes I need a pleasure detox. Quite often I get stressed and end up grabbing the most powerful vibrator I have in my drawer, reach orgasm in record time, and I’m not even horny. Don’t get me wrong, I feel a shoot of oxytocin, wellbeing, and all that, but five minutes later I want more. Not because I’m full of longing, but because that orgasm was not enough. It was fast, automated, and low quality. The first time I realized this, I knew I needed to find a way to fully enjoy the peak of pleasure. I know we’re all busy and life is overwhelming at times, so let me share with you my detox guide. 

1.       Do research in your body

Our bodies are incredible, perfectly designed machines that have extraordinary features. Even if you think you know a lot about your genitalia, take time to get to know it better. For example, did you know that clit expands through the beginning of the vagina? This explains why, even though we don’t receive external stimulation, we find penetration arousing. Read books, watch documentaries, listen to podcasts, and follow sex experts. Any random fact can give you a better perspective on your pleasure.  

2.       Take it slowly

Forget everything. Seriously. Masturbation should be like meditation, so avoid thoughts that have nothing to do with your pleasure. A fast orgasm is nice sporadically, but often we get used to a quick lazy rush of hormones that can even affect our sex life. A very interesting practice is edging. It’s about hitting snooze on your orgasms as you do with your alarm now and then. When you feel you’re close to cumming, stop the stimulation and start again in a few minutes. Repeat several times and when you finally allow yourself to climax it will be terrific. 

3.       Try new things

Routine is a creativity killer. Once we’ve found the sex toy, changing to another could sound complicated, even unnecessary. My advice is to vary how you reach climax: use different toys, focus on orgasms provided by your fingers, try new positions, try lubes or erotic cosmetics… In other words: seek new experiences. You may discover a better toy or a better experience that you’d like to repeat.

4.       Listen to your body

I know it might sound very similar to number one, but it’s quite different. The main goal here is that you observe your responses, your actions, and your mood. Have you ever tried masturbating when you’re angry? The result won’t be the same as an orgasm that is originated by arousal. In my case, for instance, I’ve learned a lot from studying my menstrual cycle. I noticed that some days I feel more creative, while some others I am more energetic. Also, my orgasms are much more intense during my period. These variations affect how we masturbate and reach climax. 

5.       Communicate with your sex partner

Last but not least: talk about pleasure with your sex partner(s)! Even if you think you’re really experienced in sex, we’re all different and we find pleasure in unique situations and practices. Our bodies are not the same even though we share organs and bones. We’re not fortune tellers either! If you don’t share your concerns and preferences you won’t fully enjoy what orgasms can offer. 

In short, pleasure is all about you. Therefore, you need time for yourself – take care, understand your arousal, be creative, and practice to find how orgasm drives you crazy. There are no rules, just let it flow and… enjoy!

Written by Thais Duthie, sex writer and author

SEXUALITY AND IDENTITY IN 2020

As 2019 came to an end, many of us were wondering, a little excited even, about what this new century had in store for us. 2020 would be the year of new possibilities. Little did we know it would bring us all to a sudden, grinding halt. 

March was mad and April seemed to last for five months. Here we are, a few days into the month of May (which also happens to be Masturbation Month, yay!) and it turns out 2020 has taken us all on a rather unpleasant journey that we never imagined coming. Being a human during a global pandemic has meant life changed quickly, in ways most of us had never experienced before. Unprecedented restrictions meant toilet paper became a hot ticket item that folks literally fought for and flour is still a scarcity because, apparently, we’ve all become bakers (I’ve literally not been able to buy flour in three months).

Interestingly, around the world, sales of sex toys are booming. Many of us are still in various stages of isolation, and it seems boredom, horniness, thoughts of ”It’s now or never” or a combination of all three, has meant so many more people are opening up to the idea of using sex toys in their sex play, either for their own solo pleasure or for pleasure with others. 

As a clinical sexologist, who is super passionate about human sexuality and obliterating sex-negative messages, I spend an inordinate amount of time discussing masturbation with my clients. There are so many awful, restrictive myths out there, so taking the time to “bust” those with clients, is just one part of my journey with them. 

As suspected, the turn of the century has also brought along with it some old, harmful narratives about human sexuality and relationships.  Excitedly though, many new understandings and beliefs about sexuality, relationships, gender, and sexual identity are continuing to emerge. I have spent over fifteen years in the field of human sexuality and relationships and I have watched, in awe, as incredible young folk continues to challenge those tired, old beliefs and stereotypes, whilst simultaneously creating many wonderful new ones, that allow for less rigidity and promote more inclusivity than ever before.  

As Queen Whitney once preached “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way” 

There are so many variations of LGBTIQ+ that I have heard people refer to the letters as Queer soup or the Queer Alphabet. Whatever you choose to call it, the fact is this space is ever-growing and that's a good thing. Now, I know some folks might find this growth challenge, but this is all part of the necessary pushing back in order to topple long-held negative views and make significant societal shifts forward.  

As someone who grew up in a time and place where there was a very narrow understanding of sexuality (and gender), I knew of only three words in my adolescence. I grew up thinking that folks were either Straight, Lesbian or Gay, and believe me, the latter two “labels” were certainly seen as the lesser, not so positive options. I don't even think I heard of the word bisexual until I was in my mid-twenties and even then it was mostly brushed off as some gateway to the real thing, that being a gay man or lesbian. I was what was referred to as a late bloomer when at the age of 28, I finally came out as a lesbian. I remember internally cringing at the word lesbian being attached to my sense of self, and I know there were many times that I thought that my new “label” meant I was less than my straight friends. Even the Australian government helped to emphasize that feeling. I had no legal right to marry at the time and it would be years before that changed. 

It has taken so long for people to understand or accept that sexuality (and gender) can be fluid. I regularly have the pleasure of working with clients of all ages and genders who navigate shifts in their sexuality (and gender) on a regular basis. Over the years I’ve had asexual clients working through the fact they are no longer asexual, I’ve had bisexual babes taking on a pansexual identity or vice versa. I’ve had trans men say they are now more aligned with a non-binary identity. I’ve had lesbians say they are now identifying as bisexual and others say they are bi- leaning. I’ve seen and heard more labels to describe identities that I have ever heard before. I once did some training at a high school where one student, who identified as Queer, was honestly quite surprised when I said I was a lesbian. “Wow,” she said, “I haven’t met one of you in ages”.

The shift in reclaiming a positive understanding of the word Queer has meant it opened up the possibility of there being more than just a few labels for identities of those of us who didn't fit into the dominant white, heterosexual, cisnormative narrative. Queer, for many, is political but also many others see it as a wonderful umbrella term that I imagine will continue to embrace new identities under its ever-growing rainbow of colours.  

Some of you may be navigating your own journey of understanding and identifying your sexuality and/or gender. I want to be very clear here and remind you that some of us will not want to attach any labels to ourselves and our identity, and that is absolutely ok. Labels can be really helpful for some folk but others may find them a hindrance. You just need to do what works for you. Try one on. It is perfectly ok if you find one that seems to fit just right and later let that one go if you find another that suits you better. The most important thing to remember is that it is your definition. No one gets to tell you how you identify. That's yours and yours alone to define.  

Written by Naomi Hutching, The Australian Sexologist

Clinical Sexologist
 BA & MHsc
IG @australiansexologist

WHY MASTURBATION IS IMPORTANT DURING ISOLATION

Why is masturbation so important during isolation?

Isolation is a difficult and lonely time for us all, especially if you are isolating alone or away from a partner. Some people out there think that masturbation is a shameful and sinful addiction, making it a taboo subject that we would only choose to discuss with people close to us, if at all. Compared to male masturbation, society has shamed female masturbation, however, there are many benefits for both sexes that should not be overlooked or disregarded. Keeping our mind and body healthy during isolation is extremely important, and here is why masturbation should be part of your daily isolation routine.

Manages Stress

Many of us may feel stressed and anxious about the current situation going on outside our homes. Masturbation is a great method of relieving stress because when we reach orgasm, we experience a rush of dopamine. Stress has many negative impacts on our mental and physical health. It lowers your immune system, allowing you to become sick. Keeping our stress levels low during a health pandemic is very important and will benefit us in many ways.

Enhances Sleep Quality

Our routines are simple and repetitive at the moment. There is only so much you can do to keep your mind and body busy throughout the day, especially if you aren’t able to work from home, which means you are unlikely to feel tired at night. Masturbating has been said to improve sleep quality, especially in men. This is because it helps to relieve stress and sexual tension, allowing you to fully relax.

Boosts Immune System

When you masturbate, you will feel a rush of hormones, which help you feel good. These include dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. This is what rebalances our levels of cortisol, which is the stress hormone. This, alongside enhanced sleep quality (mentioned above) and a positive mood, which are all enhanced through masturbation, is what boosts our immune system and improves its function.

Improves Mood

The rush of feel-good hormones experienced during masturbation, alongside the great feeling of an orgasm can do wonders for your mood, which may be low during isolation. Masturbating may feel repetitive over time, but it’s important to mix up your practice each time so that it does not become habitual or mundane. Take a look at omgkinky to find ways to make masturbating exciting again. You may find out something else you like, and they offer great advice on sex toys.

Alleviates Pain

Certain pain can be alleviated by masturbating, such as period cramps in women. Masturbating can also help to reduce the risk of prostate cancer development in men. Masturbating also has many long-term sexual health benefits. When you touch yourself, you get to understand what feels normal, which can help you identify any health conditions sooner rather than later.

As you can see, there are many benefits of masturbation, which shouldn’t be ignored. When things go back to normal and our daily routines start to refill, you should still make the time to masturbate, whether or not you are sexually active with a partner.

Getting Off With What You've Got: Solo Sex in the Time of Quarantine

Not to make light of a global pandemic, but Masturbation Month this year could arguably not have been better timed. To essentially make lemonade out of lemons, the fact that we’re all confined indoors with little else to do other than cook, craft, and oscillate between Netflix and Pornhub in the wake of widespread stay-at-home orders means that there’s ample opportunity to celebrate this month of solo sex-positivity. 

On any given day, I’m admittedly lazy when it comes to self-pleasure. I’m a big fan of efficiency, and will generally prefer to crank one out with little variance or fanfare. I like what I like, what can I say? 

However lately, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on some more potentially fulfilling — or at least more fun — solo sexy adventures, and now that I have all the time in the world with few distractions or other obligations to deter me from indulging in more elaborate experiences, it’s high time to break out of my boring masturbation routine. 

The following “Lazy Girl’s Guide to Masturbation” is perhaps a statement of the obvious, but when you’re stuck in a rut, sometimes you just need to go back to the basics to remember that “mixing it up” doesn’t require all that much effort, just a commitment to keeping an open mind and actually trying something new. 

Disclaimer: a lot of these suggestions involve toys or products, which if you don’t already own, can be ordered, however, some Amazon workers are none too happy about having to deliver dildos during a pandemic. However you decide to explore, be mindful of your decisions, play safely and responsibly, and for the love of god, just don’t put anything in your butt that doesn’t have a stopper — essential workers don’t have the time to be removing foreign objects from anyone’s anus these days. 

First Thing’s First: Watch More Porn If you’re like most millennials, you’ll peruse the tube sites watching clips and jerking off to the content that’s meant to entice viewers to actually make a purchase. While you can fill up on free samples, you really should pay for your porn and if you don’t already, there’s no time like the present to start. The adult industry caters to every niche imaginable and aside from having extra time on our collective hands, many companies and independent content creators are offering sales in response to coronavirus. So go down the rabbit hole and explore your fantasies: subscribe to someone’s OnlyFans, become a member of your favorite website, chat with some cam performers and tip them well or hell, maybe even splash out and order a custom clip. You sometimes don’t know what will tickle your fancy, but there’s only one way to find out. 

Play With Intimate Cosmetics I never thought I needed a clitoral warming gel in my life but what’s living if you can’t experiment with what’s essentially IcyHot for your genitals? I’ve tried the warming ones, the cooling ones, the nipple creams, and booty relaxers — I’ve even given the oral spray that makes you salivate an absurd amount a go, which had more of a comical than sexy effect, but I digress. There’s quite the array of products to choose from, all of which offer their own unique benefits that range from arousing to deeply relaxing. Up next on my list: something CBD-infused. 

Rediscover the Joys of Lube Could I cover my entire body in lube just to slither around, feeling like a slippery little eel? Sure, why not. Aside from its practical use, playing with lube (especially of the silicone variety) is just one of those fun things that instantly makes me feel like a super hot sex goddess. It’s an aesthetic thing. Don’t judge me. 

Mix Up Your Masturbation M.O. Ninety-five percent of the time, I masturbate in the same position, using the same type of stimulation. While I can’t say that cumming the same way over and over gets boring to the point where I’m unmotivated to masturbate, throwing a little variety into the mix can produce a different kind of orgasm, which can never be discouraged. If you always do it on your bed, try the couch; if you’re a fan of watching porn, test out some audio erotica; always find yourself on your back — face a mirror or try touching yourself on all fours. To put it simply: challenge yourself to get inspired and try something, anything new in the spirit of self-exploration. 

For me, I’ve amassed quite the collection of toys, many of which occasionally find their way into my much more colorful partnered sex life, but never into my solo sessions. However, at a time when partners who aren’t living together face the challenge of self-isolation, it’s become incumbent upon me to infuse my solo sex life with a little bit of that festive, fun flavor. In the pursuit of new novelty, I’ve committed myself to shake up my normal routine by incorporating all the odds and ends that have been living in a lonely corner of my closet since mid-March. 

Go High Tech Does it count as masturbation if you let someone else control your vibrator? I vote yes. Kind of. Depending. Point being, the beauty of internet-connected devices is that you can literally be on opposite sides of the world and still share an intimate moment with someone. Again, endless options, from panty vibes to wands and more. Some brands even offer in-app chats and allow you to meet and connect with other users if you don’t have a specific partner in mind. It’s perhaps the closest you can get to partnered sex while remaining socially distant, which is pretty cool. 

Have a Sexy Photoshoot I’m late to the game on this one but nevertheless, as someone who doesn’t take a lot of nudes, I had a hell of a time setting up a cute photo shoot for myself. I made an afternoon of it and involved costumes, makeshift lights — the whole deal. In the process of all of this, it became less about the final product and more about feeling myself at the moment. That kind of sexual energy once it gets flowing is divine. 

Written by Zoe Tamara

MALE MASTURBATION: 10 TIPS AND TRICKS

The male genitalia has been a source of pleasure for centuries. It has nurtured empires, has assisted in the rise of armies, and has also bought entire empires down. All because the phallus was hungrier than the might of the human brain.

However, with the advent of technology and a fast-moving life, it became a part of a mad rat race. Eventually, economic concerns and dreams to build new-age empires pushed it to the backyard of ignominy.

This, however, doesn’t stop the raging bull that man is from attesting to his testosterone drives. It needs to wage a war against the pretentious world all the while caressing his male ego. The penis is no longer an adjunct to a sexual play of individuals but a partner to a hand and a soul wanting to vent.

Here are 10 tips to make masturbation more pleasurable:

1. Set The Mood

You would have surely done the same had your partner been there to indulge in a ravenous exercise, then why not do the same when you are using your imagination? Don't make your hand just do a "task", enjoy it, do something for the pleasure of your buddy down there 😉

You can dim the lights, play some erotic music to get into the gist.

2. Don't Just Stand & Deliver!

Change the position and you might just have discovered Shangri la. The old stand and deliver has been going on for too long. Lie and perk up, sit and defy gravity. There is nothing as monstrous as monotonicity. Kill the demon to unleash the dragon. Supporting the back on the wall, while pushing the hips forward is a great theme. 

3. Ride Slow

You need to spare time of at least 15 minutes for this, do not rush to ejaculate. Push your semen back by holding the motion and diverting your mind for a second, then start again. It's more fun and a healthier habit.

4. Left Right Left.

Just because you are right-handed, does not mean you will be incarcerated to hell for masturbating with your left hand, try that other hand once in a while. The weaker hand in fact gives you a slower pace and a better grip on the excitement slowly running through your arteries. The penis is quite a flexible organ and can be adjusted to a few directions, without of course breaking it.

Try pushing it against the stomach and giving it a well-paced movement. This will excite the nerve ends to no end. Using the non-dominant hand, one study has suggested will often lead to intense ejaculation.

5. Move Your Hips

Those hips aren’t just for stability, movement, and balance. If used properly, they add intensity to the act of masturbation. Had there been your partner with you the hips would have held the most prominent place in the scheme of things. Use it and widen your horizon of pleasure.

6. Mix & Match The Strokes

The painter uses their brush to add character to the painting by using different brush strokes. Masturbating using a wide variety of strokes is known to provide unbridled pleasure. The usual motion of moving your hand up and down will remain as long as the structural design of the penis remains the same. However, the mode of strokes ranging from a full hand grip to palming the head of the penis is some of the techniques that can make a man go wild.

7. Don't Forget Those Balls

So while you have been solely focusing on the penis, do not even for a moment forget that a large part of the pleasure is derived from the testicles. The testicles have as many nerve endings as that of the penis. Hence, making them a part of this pleasure trip will only add to the joy.

Also, had this not been a solo play, the partner would have certainly enjoyed the company of your testicles, taint, or the perineum and the shaft. These are highly explosive areas and should never be missed if pleasure is what you seek.

8. Prostrate to the prostrate

The "Male G-spot" is a thing to conquer, if you haven’t traveled that road yet, remember the loss has been yours and yours only. Slowly guide a finger through your anal and try rubbing it. It may not be easy the first time, however, practice makes a man better. Keep practicing and once you are there, rub it gently. Be careful of not poking it too hard, things for love need to be handled with love. If it is getting difficult to insert the finder, try to use the best lube for sex.

9. Touch Those Zones Too

The erogenous zones do not start and end with your penis and testicles and its affiliates, it goes much beyond that. The human body is filled with erogenous zones. The neck, the ear lobes, the lips are all meant to be caressed. If you think, these are meant to be used only when with a partner, do not forget you are with one. Your body. Rub, squeeze, pinch, tug. Do whatever you may wish to and see for yourself the wave of emotions flowing through your body.

The erogenous zones are meant to be activated through foreplay and the act of masturbation demands an exhilarating one.

10. Use Sex Toys

If you think you are bored of using your hands all these years, try using sex toys for making the ejaculation process more fun. Use toys like cock rings, or find the best fleshlight or the best pocket pussy to make things more interesting.

Masturbation is a healthy way to enjoy and has no known side effects. It relieves stress, soothes the nerves, and calms the mind and soul. Enjoying one’s body is an acceptable way to understand it.

Get the mood going and head towards your favorite spot in the house. Happiness is waiting.

Written by Luca of Spices of Lust

LIKE A VIRGIN-MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE RABBIT JADE CHAKRUB

Trigger warning: This article discusses topics of sexual trauma and sexual assault.

When Chakrubs was being first developed, I started with three stone variations: rose quartz, obsidian, and white jasper. At the time I received the first prototypes, I had been talking about it for almost a year – dreaming, scheming, researching. To finally hold in my hand what had only been a thought for so long was magical, and a little scary. I had been talking about this idea for so long, and many people had scoffed at me, disbelieving in the validity of the idea of using crystals for pleasure and spiritual awareness. When it was time for me to try my own creation, it was with the possibility that the nay-sayers could be right, that a year of visualizing what Chakrubs could be was wrong, and that it would all be chalked up to just another one of my “wild ideas” as my friends and family will tell you I have many of.

I was in New York when I received the first prototypes, visiting my grandmother’s house. I had recently made some major changes in my life, including breaking up with my boyfriend of six years, quitting my job teaching music and performing as a fairy princess for children’s birthday parties, and had moved to Santa Cruz where I was working on developing a radio station with a group of hippies in the Redwood forest (but was mainly hanging out, playing music, and starting a relationship with the owner of the house). It seemed I was bringing this newfound energy to New York with me through Chakrubs. California was my place for exploring this wild side of myself, while New York represented a place for contemplation and materializing the dreams that were conjured up in Cali.

At this point, my family did not know about my idea for Chakrubs. My family did not know the extent of the sexual trauma I had experienced with that boyfriend of six years. I am not sure I really even knew the extent of it. But I knew that I was developing a concept that was not only going to help me face what I needed to in order to get back to myself but that had the potential to help other people as well.

A large part of what caused me to disconnect from myself and my body during sex was due to the manner in which I lost my virginity. I wanted my first sexual experience to be special, with someone I loved and felt comfortable with. At the very least I wanted to consent to it happening.

After it happened I was in a bit of a shock. I made a conscious choice to turn my anger inwards and look for the positive – now I can have sex. I tried to fall in love with the man who assaulted me so that I could have some version of what I wanted from my first sexual experience. But for the six years after that, I became numb to having my body used and I subconsciously learned that pleasure was for my partner, not for me. I was praying that Chakrubs would help me heal these things.

My first experience with Chakrubs was a ceremonious one. It was an evening at my grandmother’s house while she was sleeping. Looking back on it, I now realize how important it was for me to reclaim my pleasure in this setting. Later I would understand the sexual trauma of my mother, my grandmother, my ancestors. I would begin to unravel the “Catholic guilt” and sexual shame that hid in plain sight with images and statues of the Virgin Mother all around us.

My grandmother was the first woman I knew who advocated being proud of your body. Having developed breasts at an early age, she was made fun of in school and would try to hide her chest by wrapping her arms around herself, creating a hunched back. Later on, she would battle with breast cancer and end up needing a mastectomy. She would always tell me and my sisters, “Be proud of your breasts!” and tell us to stick out our chests. Our mother carried this on, always making sure my sisters and I appreciated our physical beauty, with no disregard for our inner selves, but gushing at the sight of us and proudly saying, “I made you sexy girls!” My mother would explain to me how important it is for each generation to heal something leftover from the generation before them. I’m not sure if I understood this at the time, but reflecting on it, I see it now.

I chose the white jasper. It was a symbol of purity and I knew that was where I wanted to start on my healing journey. I was going to take my own virginity with a creation that I brought into the world, to reclaim my body and invite my lost soul to come back home. I thought for a moment what taking my own virginity would look like. Lighting candles came to mind but it felt too cliche. I made the choice not to alter the environment.

Instead, I placed importance on the connection I wanted to feel with myself. It didn’t matter what I was wearing or how romantic the atmosphere was. None of that mattered to me in the first place, what always mattered to me was how I felt. I wanted to feel in love the first time I had sex. What I actually felt was nervous, not only because I was going to insert a crystal into myself for the first time but because of how much seemed to weigh on this event. This was not only a symbolic act of taking my virginity, it was also going to determine whether or not this idea for Chakrubs would conceptualize. I was inseminating myself with the potential for something new, and it all depended on whether or not I was going to feel pleasure.

I did.

The nervousness morphed into excitement and that was enough of an energy match to bring about the love that I needed. Years of feeling numb led me to this moment of touching myself in the most intimate way – not only experiencing physical pleasure but penetrating layers of emotions that I had longed for so long. I did not orgasm the first time I used a Chakrub, but I got a glimpse of all that was possible. The white jasper shined a light on my entire being, showing me just how many places there are inside of me to explore, physically and emotionally. It was as if I was walking into a part of my house I had abandoned for years because I was afraid of what may be lurking there. The white jasper Chakrub brought fresh air and sunlight to rooms that had previously been boarded up. I saw that my house needed some work, some care, but it looked different in the light – it wasn’t as scary. It was beautiful, actually. It had been partially taken over with weeds that seeped in from the outside, it had dust that shimmered under the sunlight, bunnies and other wildlife finding shelter there. It was beautiful as is, and it was mine to clean up.

Crystals work differently for different people, and different crystals work in different ways.

This metaphor came to me through mental images while I had the Chakrub inserted. It wasn’t as if I was completely transported into another realm, it was a simple visual in my mind just like a dream, that I followed. Some people may wonder if it was really the crystal that was igniting that or if it was my imagination. The answer is that it doesn’t matter because one isn’t more profound than the other.

This private moment that I had with myself was meaningful simply because I felt it had meaning. I was able to feel like this had meaning because I was acknowledging the potency of the event, and leaving myself open to my own interpretations about it. This is oftentimes all crystal healing is. It is leaving yourself open to shifting your ideas and the story about yourself. Those ideas are energy just like everything else. No matter what manifests in your crystal healing session you are actively shifting, conjuring, and acknowledging energy.

The white jasper Chakrub, (which we now call Rabbit Jade) will always be special to me because of that first experience. I’ve always imagined it would be the Chakrub that mothers could give their daughters to open up conversations about sex and pleasure. I’ve always thought about how special it would be to have a keepsake from the first time you explored yourself (since Chakrubs last a lifetime). Even now, I call on white jasper to help me shine a nurturing light on situations where I need to see more potential in myself. I invite you to explore this stone and find your own meaning in it. It means the world to me to hear from our community about how Chakrubs affect them. If you feel called to do so I would love for you to share your stories with us so we can continue to normalize this kind of self-care and discovery.

Written by Vanessa Cuccia, founder of Chakrubs. Originally posted on The Freque by Chakrubs

A HANDY GUIDE TO MUTUAL MASTURBATION

Art by Sophi Miyoko Gullbrants

Often deemed a solo act, masturbation is not only a core pillar of sexual intimacy with oneself but also a mighty tool for speaking to and manifesting personal fantasies and desires with sexual partners. It’s an insulated moment where anyone can evoke self-love in the highest form to orgasm completion. Masturbation can also live as an intimate act between two partners when physical intercourse isn’t available for myriad reasons. 

Mutual masturbation is a handy option in the partner play toolkit; there are a lot of fun ways to build up the suspense and sexual energy without having to lay a finger on the other person. Not sure how it all works? Here’s a guide to getting off with each other. 

Why Masturbate When You Can Have Sex?

Masturbation doesn’t die when you’re in a relationship. In fact, masturbation is a prime way to understand what you like and how to communicate that to a partner—using alone time to find your stride and work out the likes and dislikes of your own pleasure. Plus, mutual masturbation is a great way to be intimate when penetrative sex isn’t on the table at the moment (in the cases of, say, vulvodynia or dyspareunia). What’s more, the chances that both you and your partner are ready to get down on the same schedule all the time is highly unlikely. Our individual moods and desires to be touched change with the day and are not always in sync. Mutual masturbation broadens our concept of sex and sexual intimacy, positively changing how we see our sex life with our partner.

How To Talk About It

Depending on how the two of you communicate with each other, this could be as quick as telling the other person to stay put while you bring yourself to orgasm, talking about it through different devices, or maybe even making a game out of it. There isn’t a hard and fast rule about how these conversations start; all that needs to happen is open communication in a non-judgmental space. 

Try finding a film (I recommend taking a peek at Courtney Trouble’s QueerPorn.TV for some excellent scenes) that shows or alludes to mutual masturbation. Maybe send a mid-day text with a clip to gauge interest. Or take a moment to show your partner the scene while in bed, and have a real discussion about the fantasy of watching each other masturbate. If you’re more inclined towards reading, look for erotic stories in digital magazines like Aurore and send a link to your partner’s phone. 

As mentioned earlier, this could be a spur-of-the-moment conversation where you start and ask your partner to join in. This is a great opportunity to bring out your favorite sex toys and use them to your partner’s visual delight — get off on the fact that you’re being (consensually) watched. There is also a lot of fun in making this activity into something much more elaborate by masturbating together on the couch, across the room, on opposite ends of the bed, while watching porn, sending texts to each other before getting home, while making dinner…the possibilities are endless!

Consider A Sex Discussion Date

Not everyone is ready to start masturbating in front of their partner, and that’s totally fine. Sex, in all of its forms, is a difficult topic to broach with another human. We have been taught in so many ways to repress those urges and to keep our hands at bay from touching our genitalia. It wasn’t that long ago that masturbation was linked to blindness. And because of this, there is an inherent difficulty when speaking about our fantasies. If there is an interest in becoming more sexually explorative with a partner or to temperature check the current status of your sexual intimacy, make a sex discussion date. 

A sex discussion date is a night where you and your partner get dressed up to dinner at your favorite restaurant just to talk about your sex life. Both can come with a list of questions and fantasies, or can have a conversation about what you’re both looking for in the bedroom — the restaurant will be a neutral, judgment-free space where both people can speak to their desires. Kick it up a notch by filling out your own Yes, No, Maybe list prior to the date and spend your entrées getting real close and seductively speaking to each other’s fantasies. 

Give Some Creative Direction

Now that you are both aware of how the other likes to be pleased, it’s time to get creative with your solo-but-together fantasies. Mutual masturbation is teeming with creativity that can manifest on the bed, the couch, the kitchen, the shower, the floor, etc. There is even room for roleplaying and power dynamics.

Use distance as a way to build the tension by placing each other super far away to enact those voyeur fantasies — or get really close so you’re both right in the action of every circular motion, vibrative pulse, or close-to-completion stroke. Mutual masturbation doesn’t have to be a no-touch zone in any way! Integrating sensual touching or even spanking into the play can create a different power dynamic between you and your partner. Navigate different ways to lay on each other or on top of each other to create an even more intense build-up. 

Create ambiance: Wear your favorite lingerie and have your partner catch you in the act as they enter the bedroom. Light some candles, put on soft music, and mutually masturbate while cooking dinner. (But be safe and don’t put your limbs, appendages, genitalia at risk of any kitchen hazards!) Mutual masturbation is a beautiful and hot way to connect with your partner in a low-stakes, fun environment between the two of you, no matter how it’s happening. 

Stay Focused

No matter how hot the scene is or the power behind the sex toy, the insistent silliness of it all is strong enough to lose focus. It’s so easy to slip off and wonder if your partner is into it if you’re rubbing one out at a flattering angle, and what you need to get done tomorrow. Before getting into it, take a second to really feel yourself and allow your brain to be fully there with your partner, and commit, hard, to this moment. If you feel your brain start to slip, double down and try a new position to keep your brain in the game. 

And, most importantly: Note that your partner is likely having a good time no matter what. You’re already here pleasing yourself the way you want to, feeling incredibly sexy in your own skin — they are very into it, so don’t worry! 

Notice Your Partner’s Sexual Topography

Masturbating with each other allows for stronger communication, a trusting and non-judgmental space, and an intimate look into how your partner likes to be touched. This is sexual topography, a moment where you can watch how your partner pleases themselves. The whole scene can be one big tease, starting with one of you and building up to let the other join in on the fun. Notice how your partner’s genitalia starts to swell or change color when aroused, pay attention to what is being said or done that gets you both off, pick up on the subtleties of where they like to place their hand, head, neck, legs, and other parts. You have a front-row seat to your partner’s pleasure points, a great piece of intel for the next round!

Written by Laura Delarato and originally posted on Swell by Dame

To celebrate Masturbation Month, Dame is offering you 15% off at the checkout with code SELFPLEASURE.