We often think of masturbation as a strictly solo activity, but many (many) people in relationships masturbate too. I run an app called OkaySo, where we answer real questions about sex and relationships (for free) and we get tons of questions about masturbation and couple-dom. From differences in sex drives to a partner who doesn’t think masturbation is ok - there are lots of potential issues. Here are some of my favorite real questions from users and our responses. If you’ve ever struggled with masturbation issues in your relationship, I hope this helps.
Q1: I am in a long-distance relationship and I just recently started to masturbate and it feels good, but then afterward I sometimes feel guilty for doing it. Should I feel guilty? Is it bad to masturbate when you are in a committed relationship?
A1: It’s not bad at all! Many people in committed relationships masturbate. Masturbation is a great way to relieve stress, explore new things, feel a release if you’re horny… you get the idea. It can be really great.
There’s an idea we have in our society that when we’re in a relationship, the other person should be “everything” for us - sexually and emotionally. But that just isn’t true. There are things we can do for ourselves that another person can’t do, or we might just want time alone - all of that is ok. Plus, you’re in a long distance relationship! You have less access to being physical with your partner, but being in a long distance relationship doesn’t mean your pleasure gets put on hold.
I’m curious if you’ve talked with your partner about this at all. I know it can feel a bit scary to bring up something like masturbation with a partner, but if you’re worried about what they might think, the only way to really know is to talk about it. If they’re someone who cares about your pleasure, then they should be 100% ok with it. You could even try masturbating together while on the phone - it’s a fun way to be intimate when you can’t physically be together.
Q2: I’m transgender (female to male), and ever since I’ve started testosterone I’m always horny or turned on and I have no idea why. It’s to the point where I need to masturbate or have sex almost every day and it causes a large strain on my relationship.
A2: You are definitely not alone in having this issue - I’m really glad you reached out. Testosterone is a hormone that can increase sex drive, sometimes dramatically. When we’re teenagers, the rapid increase in either testosterone or estrogen is part of what drives our arousal levels, and starting testosterone later in life has a similar effect.
It sounds like your sex drive and your partner’s sex drive are now different from each other, when maybe before they were closer together. This is a super normal thing, something many couples experience for a large variety of reasons. How to handle it is something that each couple has to figure out for themselves, but it will need to involve some amount of compromise on both sides.
From what you wrote, it sounds like your partner might not be ok with you masturbating. This is an opinion that’s common in relationships - one partner masturbating can make the other person feel insecure - like they’re not “enough”. But in fact, tons of people who are in relationships masturbate, because there are lots of reasons to do it, so that’s where I would recommend starting. It’s hard to ask your partner for more sex than they feel like having, but if you want to masturbate, that is a completely reasonable request.
Q3: I’m never horny and I can’t seem to orgasm unless I’m masturbating while he’s inside me. I feel like I’m hurting him because he thinks I’m not attracted to him anymore. What can I do to stop doing it myself and let him do it?
A3: What you’re experiencing is actually quite common. A lot of people don’t know that the clitoris (not the vagina) is the source of pleasure. In fact, the clitoris has roots that extend back into the body and surround the vagina - so many researchers believe that vaginal orgasms are really internal clitoral orgasms. But only about 25% of people with vaginas can have those.
The rest of us need to stimulate the clitoris to reach orgasm. Just to reiterate - that’s 75% of people with vaginas. So, touching yourself during penetration to reach orgasm is a great way to get there!
It might help your partner to know the statistics above - often if someone is expecting a vaginal orgasm to happen they can feel like they’re not doing enough, but in reality, it sounds like vaginal orgasms just aren’t going to be your thing. If your partner is invested in your pleasure, then they’ll get on the clitoris train and figure out what you need. Maybe they can use their fingers or you can get a vibrator or you can keep doing what you’ve been doing since it’s been working.
One more thing to discuss - if we’re worried about how we’re orgasming or worrying about what our partner thinks, sex stops being a pleasurable, intimate thing and becomes onerous. So it makes sense to me that you’re never horny - who wants to have stressful sex? Working through some of these things with your partner will hopefully help sex feel less connected to all of these negative emotions.
Q4: So I've known for about 2 years that I don't enjoy masturbating and if I do it's only because my boyfriend gets off on it. I'm not completely turned off by the idea but I wouldn't do it on my own because I want to. Is that normal? Do I have to enjoy masturbating?
A4: You totally don’t have to enjoy masturbating. There are some people who do not. In my experience as a sexuality educator, there are usually three possible reasons for this. The first is that someone is asexual and doesn’t really experience sexual arousal at all. The second is that they feel some amount of shame or guilt about masturbation that keeps it from being a positive experience. The third is (if they have a vagina) that they are masturbating through vaginal penetration and haven’t experienced the wonders of the clitoris yet.
All of that being said, if masturbation isn’t for you, then you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do sexually. Ever. With anyone. Including your boyfriend. It sounds like you’re being very giving towards him and that’s a nice quality, but also if it’s in any way making you feel uncomfortable or is something you don’t really want to be doing, then you don’t have to do it. I’m guessing there are lots of other ways that your boyfriend enjoys being sexual with you that the two of you can do together.
If either of the things I mentioned around shame and guilt or lack of pleasure struck a chord with you, then it may also be that masturbation could be something you could grow to enjoy - if you’re interested in exploring more.
Q5: I think that my constant masturbating has begun to affect my sex life with my girlfriend. I’ve stopped masturbating as much and use toys instead of my hand. Is there anything I can do?
A5: It sounds like there might be two things happening here, both of which are affecting your ability to have an orgasm with your partner. The first is that if you’re masturbating a lot, you might not feel like you want to be sexual with your partner as much, or have as much sexual tension when you’re with her. The second is that sometimes our bodies can get used to a certain kind of stimulation and it can be harder to be with someone else who is doing things differently.
Cutting back can help and using toys is a really great idea! You can also use lube and you could consider changing the time of day or varying the location so that your brain gets used to different situations and scenarios. If you watch porn, try not to watch porn, etc. Just start changing things up in any way you can. We are creatures of habit, so training your brain to be more flexible when it comes to stimulation can do wonders.
Written by Elise Schuster, MPH, Co-Founder of okayso (IG @heyokayso)