SUZANNAH WEISS
Discussions of sex between parents and children are often limited to the awkward “birds and bees” talk, if they happen at all. But if parents want their daughters to expect equality in their sexual relationships, they need to be the ones to teach them this — because as it stands, they’re not learning it elsewhere. In mainstream porn, 78 percent of men but only 18.3 percent of women are shown reaching orgasm, according to an analysis of Pornhub’s 50 all-time most popular videos. And students likely aren’t getting information to counter porn in school. Only 24 U.S. states even require sex ed, and 26 require that abstinence be stressed. So, the task of teaching kids healthier ideas about sexuality often falls on parents.
One conversation in particular that can make a big difference is around women and masturbation. Most women discover masturbation by age 18, yet many feel as if they’re abnormal for doing so. By helping their daughters feel comfortable with masturbation, parents can not only reduce women’s sexual shame but also teach them to value their pleasure.
“Masturbation is one of the most reliable ways to be able to experience pleasure with other people,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, adjunct professor of human sexuality at NYU. Emojibator Co-founder and CMO Kristin Fretz agrees. “[Parents] are not telling their daughters about masturbation, and they’re just really ignoring a part of our growing body,” she says. “It’s dangerous not having that conversation because then that young girl has to rely on her external community.”
How do you approach that conversation, then? Here are some tips for discussing masturbation with your daughter.
1. Don’t Shame Her For Masturbating
One of the most impactful things you can do to instill sexual self-confidence in your daughter requires no action on your part. Simply allow her to explore her body and express an interest in sex, which she will probably do without any encouragement. “Research shows that the vast majority of kids will touch their genitals very early on,” says Vrangalova. “As soon as they can manipulate their hands, they put them on their genitals.” Many parents’ knee-jerk reaction is to tell their kids to stop this or move their hands away, but by doing so, they plant the seeds of sexual shame in their children. Discouraging female masturbation also “perpetuates the patriarchal notion that sex is something women do for men and not for themselves,” Vrangalova adds. If your child touches themselves in public, you can tell them to save it for their bedrooms or bathrooms, but don’t talk about it in a fearful or punishing tone.
2. Tell Her It’s OK and Normal
What should you say, then? If you know your daughter masturbates, simply telling her that it’s perfectly normal can go a long way to combat other messages she might receive about it, says Vrangalova. “Say, ‘it’s fine to do these kinds of things. It can help you figure out what you like and don't like. There’s nothing shameful about it.’”
3. Explain the Benefits
It’s completely your daughter’s choice whether she masturbates or not, so instead of telling her to do it, explain what the benefits are. “Come at it from a purely educational standpoint and not a judgmental one,” Fretz advises. “For instance, just share the fact that orgasms can reduce period cramps and help you sleep better. There's just scientific benefits to doing it, and if [parents] can talk about it in an informational way of ‘I just want to give you this knowledge, do with it what you will,’ it doesnt have to be a forceful conversation of ‘you have to do it this many times a week.’”
4. Talk About It Whenever It Comes Up
Instead of having one big “birds and bees talk,” Vrangalova suggests talking to your daughter about masturbation whenever you see her doing it, it comes up on TV or in a movie, or she has a question about it. “It’s a long, slow process,” she says. “It has to be an ongoing conversation, not just about masturbation, but about anything sexual. If you position yourself as someone who is not shying away from those kinds of questions, kids will come to their parents with questions.” Vrangalova doesn’t believe any age is too early to begin talking to your daughter about masturbation, but Fretz recommends making sure you’ve at least done so by the time she’s 18.
“This might be uncomfortable, just like the birds and bees talk,” says Fretz. “But part of a woman's life is to have control over your body and to know what it needs and to know what you desire sexually. We should be supporting young women to just feel confident in their own bodies and feel confident to make decisions about their bodies.”