What if I told you that self-pleasure is medicine, that it can turn your life around? That connecting to your Vulva can be the best thing that happens to you and she can become your north star?
The most life-changing event in my life was falling in love with my vulva, learning to touch her as a loving act of tender worship, with curiosity and gentleness shifted my capacity to love and embrace myself, and that had an effect in all areas of life.
I learned to listen to her, and in doing so I learned that she has her stories, her sorrows, her grief, her desires, that she is a guiding force that is constantly craving to be heard, loved, acknowledged, and taken into consideration for every major choice.
Even as I write this, I first had to tune in to my vulva. I did some hip circles, some gentle squeezes as I was breathing with my attention set on her, and in doing so, my whole energy shifted, I was no longer distracted by social media, or by the people walking around the coffee shop. I connected to her and suddenly my inner world became brighter, richer, more colorful, and it wanted to express itself louder.
That is the power of our sexual energy.
The realm of our sexuality is not limited to the bedroom, and it is certainly not limited to what we get to share with a partner. Our sexuality starts and ends with ourselves, just then, when our cup is full, can we share our pleasure with somebody else.
But this connection takes consciousness, takes dedication, takes trust-building, like any other relationship, the relationship with your vulva needs to develop. Hence the relevance of self-pleasure. Self-pleasure can be a deep, life-changing medicine, or it can be a “scratching to and itching”, it is what you choose to make of it.
But how to make it sacred? How to use it to build a deeper connection to your body?
Let’s start with the beginning, like the writing on the old temple of Delphi stated: KNOW THYSELF.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's pussy is the cutest of them all?
The first step into creating a healing connection with your pussy is knowing her. This can be a deeply emotionally charged practice. Some of my clients break out crying here, or feel a trauma response arising, they might feel disgusted or shame. But this, my friends, is the very first step. Look at Her.
Take a mirror in your hands, and look at the gorgeous, yet sometimes very neglected space between your legs, with curiosity, with tenderness, without expectations, being fully present with everything that arises – if emotions are too intense, it’s okay, take a break, talk to a sex-positive friend, or if it is too intense, ask for help. We, sex coaches and therapists, are here for you.
Explore her whole erotic geography, notice how she changes as she gets aroused. You have erectile tissue -your labia, clitoris, and urinary sponge- so your vulva will change colors, texture, and levels of sensitivity as you explore her.
Love your anatomy. At the bottom, there is a link where you can get my Vulva Love booklet, with four step-by-step guided practices, which include diagrams.
Tell me what you want, but you want.
Start asking questions. How does she feel when she is aroused when she says YES when she says NO?
Get Her involved. Honor Her asking what she needs and desires. Start giving your body the sacred attention that she deserves. It sounds too spiritual, but it is the most grounded act you’ll do. It will ground you into your body and its wisdom.
When you start paying attention you will realize that your vulva has a voice of her own, it shows as tension or expansion, as pleasure or disconnection.
A “yes” is an openness to a new flavor, a “no” is a contraction a rejection.
Start the conversation, you will be surprised.
Orgasms are fun and everything, but have you tried tearing down the patriarchy?
Well, that is the thing with reclaiming our pleasure. We live in a world where our sexuality has been weaponized against us, where women constantly feel disempowered and disconnected from our bodies, where we have been conditioned to see our sexuality as something we give or do for somebody else -which is a hetero cis patriarchal culture, translates as our sexuality has been used in the service of men.
Therefore, standing up for our pleasure, prioritizing our needs, getting to love our bodies wildly just as they are, is a brave stand against an oppressive culture that objectifies our sexuality.
I am doing a political statement when I stand up and say: My sexuality is mine, for me to enjoy, for me to heal with, for me to be nourished by it.
I can share it with whom I desire, if and only I choose to.
Pleasure is my birthright.
Don’t take it for granted. Every day, as a sexuality coach, I work with women who are just learning these truths, who learned to mistrust, ignore or fear their bodies, who were taught that their bodies belonged to their husbands, who even felt that self-pleasure was a way of cheating on their partners, who were shamed or threatened -even attacked- for expressing their sexuality in any way or form.
Their reconnection to their pleasure is their medicine. It is our medicine as a collective.
To heal as a collective, I tell you, masturbate, honor the temple of your body, love your body wildly, and let’s change the world, one orgasm at a time.
Sasha Ostara, Sexual Empowerment Coach