By Crystal Fairy, Pleasure Specialist
I didn’t try masturbating for the first time until I had already been having partnered sex for a couple of years and I have several guesses as to why this is.
First, I didn’t understand that I was entitled to feel good on my own, the way so many boys are conditioned to feel (and rightly so, as we all should be). Second, I didn’t want to end up feeling stupid for not knowing how. And third, I was too afraid to ask anyone for directions because I wasn’t sure what they’d think of me. In self-conscious secret, each time I tried to flick the proverbial bean, I would inch my fingers down my torso oh-so-slowly. As soon as I reached the elastic of my underwear, I’d freeze, paralyzed by the idea that I was doing something unnatural and wrong. It was ultimately thanks to a very kind sales girl at Spencer’s Gifts that I was finally able to cross that ‘panty line.’
She found me hovering near the endless wall of multicolored dildos and vibrators, having wandered off from my girl gang who were entangled in a heated debate over which pot-themed posters would look best in our freshman dorms. The sales girl watched me for a moment before sweetly asking if I needed any help. I politely demurred, “Oh no, no, I’m just looking.” She smiled at my response and began to tell me about the different pieces of equipment that hung before us. Some were plain, some were realistic, some were quiet, some were noisy, some were intended for couples, and some even had beads that lined the shaft – intended to massage my vaginal walls, of course. As I listened to her casually describe this impressive array of devices and their numerous capabilities, I began to think, “maybe there’s something to this self-pleasure thing, and maybe it’s not so bad.” Fifteen minutes later, I walked out of the store with a harmless looking battery-powered red bullet vibrator, complete with a soft and flexible silicone tip – “a steal at 10 bucks,” she told me.
That night I laid in my bed and stared at my new purchase for a very long time, psyching myself up for the adventure ahead. I was a woman determined – there was no soft music, no candles, and absolutely no fantasizing… I don’t think I had anything good to fantasize about at that point (shout out to my first boyfriend). After a quick Google search to confirm where my clit was – yes, my own clit – I twisted the rhinestone encrusted base of my toy to the left, just like the Spencer’s girl showed me. On full blast and not knowing my own limits, I jammed the soft silicone tip into the target area.
Years of depraved Google searches later, I can astutely compare the experience to ‘forced orgasm’ porn. I reached climax in about 45 seconds, mouth open, eyes rolling back into my head, limbs twitching, unsure of what had happened. Was that it? Was I supposed to keep going? If I did, would I hurt myself? Should there have been more liquid? Less? I decided to set aside the questions for the time being and give it another go, to gather more empirical evidence.
If I’m being honest with myself, it’s probably taken from that first time up until the last year or two to really find my rhythm during masturbation. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that it’s as much about the journey as the destination. Rather than going in guns blazing and full speed ahead, I’ve taught myself to slow down and enjoy the process. With an assortment of new and improved toys acquired throughout the years, I’ve explored a variety of techniques; starting with a lower setting and working my way up, focusing on other areas besides my clit, teasing myself. This self-exploration has also translated into my sex life in such a positive way. Learning what makes me tick has given me not only the know-how but the courage to speak up and point my partners in the right direction. I’ve come a long way from the girl who was too scared to put her fingers in her own vagina and I love knowing now that I have the ability to make myself feel amazing. My road to the perfect orgasm wasn’t always pretty and it most certainly wasn’t always smooth, but I got there with a lot of practice and a little help from my friends.