By Anaïs Cooper-Hackman
It’s no secret that the story of female pleasure has more often than not been told through the lenses of male gratification and clinical necessity. Some of my earliest experiences with sex were reading article after article, out of magazines named after distinctly feminine cocktails, about giving the perfect blowjob. Going back even further there was, of course, “the talk,” which left out any mention of sex as something that could be even remotely fun, let alone the holy grail of sex, orgasms.
So it wasn’t until I accidentally stumbled upon my own ability to have one (a story for another day), that I became acutely aware of the intricacies of female pleasure.
My relationship with orgasms––both my own and those of my partners––has changed alongside my relationship with myself. Insecurity about my body and unfamiliarity with the way my sexuality worked left me with orgasm-less sex more often than I like to admit.
In my first meaningful relationship, I faked almost every. single. orgasm over the course of our 1.5 year relationship. As an inexperienced 17 year old, I was more concerned with protecting my partner’s ego than cultivating a deeper understanding of what I needed to have a truly satisfying sexual experience. The women I watched in porn climaxed basically on command, it made me ashamed at how hard I had to fumble around in the dark to even get close.
It wasn’t until I accepted that any man who puts in the work to get me naked probably doesn’t give a fuck about the shape of my labia that I began to revel in my sexuality. Sex is so much better when you get out of your head. Sex is so much better when you feel sexy.
When I opened up and became comfortable communicating with my partner, it opened the door to truly great sex and evolved my understanding of what is often referred to as the right to orgasm.
One of the few rules that govern good sex is that all involved parties are entitled to at least one orgasm. Now does that mean you have to orgasm every time for it to be great? Not at all! To me, the right to orgasm alludes to the sacred space you create with your partner. That space, as I learned early on, is essential to positive sexual experiences and growth.
Orgasms are fab, but to be perfectly honest I can achieve that on my own (with the help of my favorite toy from Emojibator). What we really miss out on––by denying the right to orgasm to ourselves or our partners––is the chance to connect with another human being in a holistic way. Opening up this sacred space creates those rare moments where we feel and act completely authentic, and it’s in those moments where we truly find true orgasmic bliss.