There’s a common misconception that when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be fully sexually satisfied by your partner. That's not the truth, and here’s why:
REASON #1: We all have a different libido
There are so many factors that contribute to our libido and the changes that can take place overtime. Things like stress, hormones, lack of sleep, frequency of exercise, diet, birth control, medications, pregnancy, having kids, mental illness, erectile dysfunction, trauma, and more can all contribute to these changes. If you’re someone who has many stressors and triggers going on in your life, then it might be challenging to pin-point exactly the root cause of the change. You also may be on the asexuality spectrum too, and that’s okay!
Now add in a partner – or more if you’re into that – and what you get is multiple people who have their own life and challenges to deal with, which includes how they tend to manage stress and desire sexual intimacy. Desire discrepancy AKA mis-matched libido is common in relationships, because we are individuals who have our own needs and our own sexual desires – which aren’t always in sync with our partner(s). In this case one – or both – partner(s) feel unsatisfied for 1. not desiring sex and feeling pressured by their partner to have sex more frequently or 2. not feeling sexually satisfied and feeling rejected by their partner for not wanting to have sex with them.
Having a regular masturbation routine is crucial, especially if you’re the partner with the higher libido.
REASON #2: We all have different motivations for wanting sex
Sometimes we want stress relief so it’s easier to rub one out. Sometimes we want to connect with ourselves in a self pleasure ritual. Sometimes we want increased intimacy with our partner(s). Sometimes we want to explore our kinks through porn and don’t feel comfortable sharing this part of ourselves with our partner. Sometimes we want to try out that new toy or lube before introducing it during playtime. Sometimes it’s something else completely. All of these motivations are okay and totally normal.
REASON #3: Your partner is not responsible for your pleasure, you are
Pop culture and the media has taught us that sex is supposed to be a magical experience where everyone reaches orgasm at the same time, however this romanticized view is far from the truth.
Now add in the complexities from mainstream porn on how we’re shown that we’re supposed to behave and experience pleasure during sex. You’ll find that a lot of what you see is not easy to recreate, and not pleasurable.
Having a regular self pleasure practice can enhance relationships and the sex you have with your partner(s) because it gives you a chance to explore your own needs, desires, and fantasies so that when you do have partnered sex it leads to better communication and an increase in satisfaction.
REASON #4: Self care is important
Having a regular self pleasure ritual that includes masturbation is a great way to build self trust with yourself. As humans we crave routine and consistency. When you give yourself frequent pleasure, this allows you to give yourself that oxytocin and dopamine hits that help you continue to feel good. This also can lead into developing a stronger body image because you’re physically showing your body what feels good.
REASON #5: Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration
Sex education failed us. What we’re taught – if we’re lucky – is that sex is broadly defined as penis in vagina penetration. This is an incredibly hetero-centric viewpoint and leaves a lot of communities and sexual orientations out of the picture.
The truth is that you get to define what sex means to you. Sex can be oral if you want it to be. Sex can be pegging. Sex can be tantric breath practices. Sex can be penetration. Sex can be mutual masturbation. Sex can be anything you want it to be.
REASON #6: Mutual masturbation builds intimacy
Want to know what’s really hot? Watching your partner pleasure themselves, especially if it’s at a distance and you’re touching yourself too.
If you think about it, masturbation is one of the most intimate acts that we have because it’s something that’s unique to ourselves. When we share this act with our partner(s) we’re able to show them exactly how we like to touch ourselves, what gets us to climax, what external stimulation and tools we like to use, what porn we like, what fantasies we explore, and more.
REASON #7: Because you want to
Simple as that.
ABOUT CATHERINE:
Catherine Drysdale is a pleasure activator, sex + relationship coach, and host for the Your Pleasure Path Podcast. Her unique framework focuses on the importance of self pleasure within a self discovery lens, which allowed her to go viral on TikTok.
Her expertise within the fields of psychology, spirituality, and sexuality allow her clients to go deeper into their exploration of pleasure to enhance intimacy, communication, and sex in their relationships.
CONNECT WITH HER:
Use code EMOJIBATOR for 15% off on coaching offers and programs: yourpleasurepath.com
Follow her on TikTok for daily tips + advice: @iamcatherinedrysdale
Listen to the podcast: yourpleasurepath.com/podcast
Use code YOURPLEASUREPATH to try out the ethical porn site + sexual wellness platform xoafterglow.com for 7 days