Let me preface this by saying, I was an art minor, ok? I took a single art history class, a handful of figure drawing classes, and shaded my share of nipples. So, yes, everything I am about to say is obviously very real, very researched (Wikipedia) and very realistic.
Here we go:
Grande Odalisque by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres
Apparently women in the 1800’s were constantly being asked to pose for paintings at what seems like extremely inopportune moments. It’s no surprise this work signifies Ingres’ shift toward exotic Romanticism. This scene has all the markings of a proper masturbating sesh: the nakedness, the feather duster, the ‘What the fuck do you want, Jean?’ look. It’s been said this figure was purposely, anatomically incorrect, having an excess of five vertebrae, one for each orgasm she was trying to achieve.
Portrait of Madame Récamier by Jacques-Louis David
Another example of an inopportune moment. Madame Récamier is obviously annoyed. Even the suspicious placement of her hand looks like it has other things in mind. Here she was about to have herself a nice afternoon of pleasure in her very nice house dress (sidenote: I love masturbating in a house dress) and Jacques-Louis comes strolling in with his oils. Come on, Jacques-Louis! Can’t you see she was just about to crank up the ole steam-powered Manipulator? Geez!
Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli
Venus has been my inspiration to keep my hair long enough so that if I’m ever naked and don’t want to be, I’ll be ok. Despite just being born, Venus is somehow a full-grown woman with the child-bearing hips to prove it. Her smile, hand on chest, and sick-ass ponytail covering her crotch is what I strive for in the perfect nude selfie. Once she catches a glimpse of herself reflected in the water below her, she’ll be requesting a little privacy in her giant scallop shell.
Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci
Ah, the age ole question: What is behind the eyes and smile of Miss Mona Lisa? But helllloooo. It’s so obvious. Girl just jacked it! And my guess is She. Came. A. Lot. Look at those tired, half-closed eyes, the smirk smacked across her face. I walked around looking like Mona Lisa for at least a week upon discovering the Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator. Something's telling me it's about to be nap time for Mona.
Whistler’s Mother by James McNeill Whistler
Why, Whistler’s Mother, aren’t your hands cleverly placed? I’ve never posed for an iconic American painting but I imagine it is not a quick process. And when your hands are in that special spot for a long time, keeping warm, keeping pressure, getting a little horny is inevitable. Unfortunately, being painted by your son probably brings on the opposite effect so I hope Whistler’s Mother (aka Anna), was treated to a pint at the corner pub at the end of her pose.
American Gothic by Grant Wood
This painting by Grant Wood is said to be a father and his grown-up daughter somewhere in Iowa. Look at her longing eyes, her tight-lipped grimace. Something tells me she doesn’t have the box full of porn or vibrators under her bed like the rest of her friends and, boy, does she need them. Girl, get off the farm and catch a bus to the big city (Des Moines?)! It’s time for you to move out and rub one out.
Liberty Leading the People by Eugène Delacroix
Liberty has just led her people to freedom and is about to get her rocks off in the biggest way. She and her people have taken down King Charles X. Behind her a lot of horned up men follow, guns blazing. Sheesh, I’d take my shirt off too. Liberty looks like how I feel when I get off a plane. ‘I just came out of the sky and I need to get laid! Out of my way!’ This painting has said to have gone on and inspired Les Miserables and our beloved Statue of Liberty. Seems everyone was horny for this one.
Self-Portrait as the Allegory of Painting by Artemisia Gentileschi
I’m pretty sure this painting makes me want to masturbate perhaps more than Gentileschi herself. You may ask why. There’s no nudity, no beheading of Holofernes. But what there is is a successful, female artist painting herself being a successful female artist during a time when being a woman was viewed as wildly negative. Gentileschi was showing the world what women were capable of without hiding behind a bowl of fruit, a landscape or yet another saint. As someone who has masturbated to her own selfies, I applaud Gentileschi.
Portrait of the Artist by Mary Cassatt
Mary Cassatt was known for painting the private lives of women, usually between mothers and children. But this portrait seems much less motherly and more more ‘I see something I likey.’ Ok so, Mary probably wouldn’t talk like that (and maybe I shouldn’t talk like that) but she’ll definitely be thinking about whomever she’s looking at when she gets home.
Autoportrait (Tamara in a Green Bugatti) by Tamara de Lempicka
Tamara de Lempicka was commissioned to paint a cover for the German fashion magazine, Die Dame (The Lady) and even though she didn’t own a Bugatti, nor were women associated with cars at this time, she had no problem plopping herself in this sports car for the portrait. This woman gives no fucks. She is fast, she is free and she is hopefully fingering herself (safely) at a cool 60mph.
By Carolyn Busa: Comedian and Writer, @MISSTOILETSLAVE, Creator of MY SEX PROJECT