I have been masturbating since I was 4 years old. Well, at that time, I called it “tickling myself down there” when I took my “naps.” I would make sure everyone knew I was taking a nap so I could be left alone. It’s strange how I instinctively knew this act was a personal experience. I would get under the covers and enter this world of fantasy. It was as if I was going to the movie theater and watching something on the screen. This is the exact imagery I brought up every time I entered this realm of mine. I knew this alternate world was much easier to access in my mind through masturbation and using my body. It was the only way I knew how to go through this portal. I didn’t really know what I was doing, only that I had fun exploring in this fantasy and it was an all-encompassing experience. It felt like my own unique superpower. It wasn’t until later on that I understood the breadth of what I was creating.
As a child, I took multiple naps a day to the suspicion of my mother and grandmother. But gratefully they allowed me my space to explore and play. Whether they knew exactly what I was doing or not my naps were respected and the space to play was mine. When I engaged in this activity, I began by unknowingly meditating into the experience. I would get under the blankets, I would breathe deeply and let the outside world fade away. I would imagine myself going into my very own movie theater. Once I was there I began touching my body and waiting for something to appear on the screen. Oftentimes it was a friend of my imagination. I’d go visit this person and their family at their home in this world I created of my own.
While many and most children sexually play and explore with each other, their siblings, their cousins, their closest friends. I was playing with myself in my mind and these imaginary characters that would appear.
It wasn’t always sexual, somedays I would talk to the other people in the family. The mom would make me food, we would talk about the games I played in this world and how my friend was doing when they weren't present. Even though it was my own imagination, my friend was not always there to play with me. Other times it was more overtly expressed through imagery of me being tied up, or naked, or both… I mean, hey, sometimes we know what we like from an early age!
This world was completely different from mine. The climate was different, the landscape was different, the food, even their features were unlike mine. It was an entirely new universe I created for myself. I would enter this world, I would masturbate, I would fantasize, and have an orgasm or two (I’ve been giving myself back-to-back orgasms since before I can remember), I would “awake” from my “nap” and go back out and play in the “real world.”
I was fascinated by this practice and the power I hadn’t realized I was harnessing. As I grew I began to utilize this in a more conscious way. I began to grasp the truth of what I was experiencing and how I could continue to utilize this childlike innocence and curiosity throughout my adult life, emotionally and sexually.
There are two ways I engage this practice. One requires patience, an open mind, and curiosity. I enter into my masturbatory world with intention and wait to see what characters or situations arise in my mind, much like a dream, images and people will appear eventually. A lot can emerge from your subconscious. Spend time participating in a little Jungian analysis of your fantasy space. The other is a more active form, I intentionally fantasize about something I want to transmute. I go into my world and change situations, memories, and interactions to fit into a story of empowerment and align with my own truths. If I had a sexual encounter that did not quite honor my boundaries or that didn’t feel as emotionally or physically safe as I wanted it to, I would go back into that memory through masturbation and rewrite the chapter. Instead of feeling hurt, I would be empowered, instead of holding back my feelings, I would voice my concerns and needs. This type of practice trickles into real life. As I increased the power to speak my truth and practiced in my fantasy world, this skill grew and integrated itself into my life. This practice helps ease the impact of trauma, it allows me to process and move forward rather than being stuck in the loop of trauma, anger, and pain. This practice has helped me heal from emotionally and psychologically activating experiences and has helped me understand my own mind and body response better.
Masturbation is an opportunity. Masturbation is a workspace. Masturbation an intensive. Masturbation is a place to dislodge conflicting memories or emotions. Masturbation is a foundation to understand your own body, your mind, and your emotions. Masturbation is a space to expand your pleasure and to honor where you are in these moments of practice. Fantasies are masturbatory dreams and these dreams are illuminating. They evolve as you evolve. They change with the people you meet and the encounters you have. This masturbation dreamscape has brought me to a deeper understanding of the nuances of my desire and how masturbation, pleasure, mental wellness, and desire are intricately intertwined. If we embrace the psychology of masturbation, the spirituality of masturbation, and the power of our own mind-body connection, we can reach greater levels of healing and happiness.
Valarie Merced is doula, sexologist, and relationship coach. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Precipice Magazine. Precipice is a psychological print-only publication exploring sex, love, and desire through academics and art. You can keep up with her work here (www.instagram.com/precipicemagazine) and buy issue one here (https://www.precipicemag.com/shop/precipice-magazine-issue-i) .