I’ve noticed every spring more and more people complain about how bad their allergies are:
“I’ve never had em like this before!”
“The pollen is everywhere!”
“I can’t stop sneezing!”
Not me. No, I am not one of the Allergy Attackers. I am something worse (or better?). I am the one complaining about how horny I am:
“I’ve never been this horny before!”
“The pheromones are everywhere!”
“I can’t stop masturbating!”
The first few days of nice weather are an adjustment period for me. It’s like jet lag in the groins. Like free pizza in the cafeteria when you forgot to pack lunch. Like starting a new medication that makes you pee every 20 minutes. My pussy, not pollen, is the enemy.
The smells, the breezes, the long walks, the ‘Oh look, an ice cream truck!’, the happy faces on dogs, on people, the way drinks suddenly taste better when you sip them outside, the packed weekends, the long days, the pride of ordering an iced coffee, the smells of my own body that have remained hidden all winter. Around every corner is something new to turn me on.
There’s no Claritin or Benadryl to numb the arousal of spring. No, if you need relief, you need to take matters into your own hands or vibrators. In spring, my masturbation sessions are extended, extensive, and exclamatory. They are layered and plentiful and somehow find new ways to go deeper. When they end, the rest of my day continues. They give me energy for Act 2 and 3 (and maybe 4?) of my day.
I know soon it will become hot. The long walks, the ice cream trucks, the happy faces, and long nights, yes, they’ll still be there, but they’ll be weighed down with sweat. With exhaustion. With smells that I want to quickly shower away, not soak in. A different kind of sticky.
Soon I’ll have to close all my windows as the AC takes her place, ready to provide a different kind of relief. A necessary, fierce, cold relief. Survival, not sensuality.
But I don’t want to complain. Not now, at least. Because right now, my windows are open, the birds are chirping, my face is smiling and my vibrator’s a-buzzin'.
By Carolyn Busa: Comedian and Writer, @MISSTOILETSLAVE, Creator of MY SEX PROJECT