The thing about continuing to evolve and learn about yourself and your changing needs is that sometimes they aren’t what you expect. Sometimes what you need is something that scares you and something you find surprisingly embarrassing. Lately I’ve been retreating into myself a bit and pretty disinterested in sex, more specifically sexual pleasure focused on my body. My husband forwarded me an Instagram post about someone being on the Ace Spectrum and I found myself feeling defensive and fearful. That’s not me! Is that me?

Over the course of my adolescence I had a tentative curiosity about sex. Masturbation was a major milestone and I did it a lot for a while, addicted to the short buzz all over my body. Later, I honed my ability to seduce men. It felt good to be desired and to give pleasure. I think that was my main motivator. I was hungry for all kinds of experiences through my 20s. And now, having found love, my feelings are shifting and I’m reflecting on those periods in my life.

I think I was attracted to power; maybe I still am. Back in my days of promiscuity, I liked to have sex with men who had prowess, someone I could learn from, extract their wisdom, experience, and skills through the dick. I loved peering into their lives, navigating these dates, and taking risks in the name of pleasure and in pursuit of something edgy: casual sex. Maybe there was a sense of pride or self worth in this talent for choosing my prey and getting what I wanted. Was it what I wanted? Was I told that my main source of value is my body? Was I subtly taught that sex was the main thing people wanted from me? I don’t know. I think it’s a mix of all that.

Finding love changes things. I had a hard time finding a good match for me in part because I possess the need for two things: sexual openness in the form of positivity and permission and dedicated companionship. It was tough for the men I dated to understand that these two qualities could coexist. They would see my desire for committed love and my desire for, eventually, some kind of ethically non-monogamous relationship as incompatible. Or they’d recognize my hunger for new sexual experiences as an impossible pairing with an interest in building a life together. And then I met Dan. He was actually going to model for the magazine! I am so grateful for Math Magazine, all the amazing experiences and people it’s brought into my life. Maybe most of all my husband.

We got married earlier this year and I didn’t know I could be this happy. Even as I start to think about my sexual journey up to this point he is unfaltering in his love and support. I judge myself but he doesn’t. I am fearful of what I’m learning about myself and his encouragement makes all the difference. The voice in my head rejects the idea of being asexual, how could the person who fucked a stranger in a field be asexual? How could a pornographer be asexual? The judgment is strong and I’m ashamed of that too! I realize accepting where I’m at now doesn’t negate my past and all the other ways I’ve been or will be. If I’m being honest with myself it’s valid. Layer upon layer, I’m peeling it all back and I can tell this is a part of the process. I’m in a new space. It’s unfamiliar, it’s strange but I’m ok with it thanks in large part to the sex positive community and the love of my partner.

I like the idea of expanding my ideas of sex positivity to better include the ways our desires and identities shift over time. I thought I had arrived but that isn’t how things really work, is it? I really love being a person who is always learning, growing, and changing. I think arriving and staying at a specific version of ourselves is a type of death. As cosmically beautiful as that sounds the actual experience can be tough. Like falling in love, having your heart totally broken, and finding a way to fall in love again; I think I’m learning how to continue to be kind to myself through all my sexually liberated seasons.

MacKenzie Peck founded Math Magazine in 2015. At the start, there were only 50 copies printed of Issue Zero and the brand has since grown exponentially. MacKenzie was born on Valentine's Day and raised in Danbury, Connecticut. Originally trained as an artist, MacKenzie earned a BFA magna cum laude from the Maryland Institute College of Art. She currently lives and works in Brooklyn.

[A]SEXUAL SELF DISCOVERY