Masturbation is typically a taboo subject and one we are told to keep private. Because of that, it can be exciting - and quite empowering - to share the experience with your partner. Because more and more couples are curious about getting off together or alone, we asked Promescent’s Resident Sex Expert and Sex & Relationship Columnist, Zachary Zane, to give some insight about masturbation in relationships
Why can masturbation be healthy in a relationship?
ZZ: Masturbation is very much about “me time.” And when you’re in a relationship, you still need moments where you get some time alone to take care of yourself. (In that way, masturbation really can be an act of self-care.) There are also times when you or your partner don’t want to have sex. They’re too tired or stressed for any number of reasons. Masturbation is a great way to get your sexual satisfaction without involving your partner.
How can mutual masturbation benefit a relationship?
ZZ: As a queer man, I thrive on mutual masturbation. I can’t tell you the number of times I wished I could bottom or have anal sex, but I’m not cleaned and ready to go. Does that mean we don’t have any form of sex whatsoever? Nope! It just means we make out and mutually masturbate, and it’s so damn hot! But even for different-gender couples, mutual masturbation is ideal. Most women need more than penetration alone in order to orgasm. They need fingers, a tongue, sex toys, and direct clitoral stimulation. Mutual masturbation is a way to increase the likelihood that your female partner will orgasm.
Would you say there is such a thing as masturbating too much?
ZZ: There is, though most folks who think they’re masturbating too much are not. Masturbating, or for that matter, anything only becomes an issue if it starts having a negative impact on your daily life. Are you unable to focus at work until you masturbate, so you’re masturbating in the stalls multiple times a day? Are you canceling on your friends to stay home and masturbate? Are you lying to people to masturbate? This is when it becomes an issue. But if you’re simply masturbating a few times a day, and it doesn’t negatively impact your life—maybe you do a morning wank and evening wank—then you have nothing to worry about.
What are some tips to make time/space for masturbation in your relationships?
ZZ: I think, first and foremost, not hiding your masturbation from your partner. I think it’s good that they know that you’re doing it, and encourage them to masturbate as well. If you feel like you’re having to “hide” the fact you masturbate it’s not going to be enjoyable. It’s going to be far more stressful. Some partners get annoyed when they find out you masturbate. They’ll be like, “Why, when you could be having sex with me!” So I’d also sit them down and explain why masturbation is different than partnered sex. It’s something that you want to experience. It also doesn’t mean you don’t love having sex with them. Sometimes, you simply need some alone time for sexual satisfaction.
What would you say to folks who view masturbation as cheating?
ZZ: You’re entitled to your beliefs. I don’t want to sit here and say, “You’re wrong!” But I would ask why you consider it cheating? You’re not having sex with anyone else. I’d say the definition of cheating is having sex with another person. If you’re someone who believes that masturbation is cheating, I’d be inclined to believe that you have some guilt and shame around your sexual attractions and sex in general. I’d be willing to bet there’s some deeply-rooted sex-negativity ingrained in you either from culture, religion, or another aspect of society. So I’d encourage you to explore why you think masturbation is cheating, and work to challenge yourself to think otherwise.
Zachary Zane, [He/Him], Sex & Relationship Columnist for Men’s Health and Promescent® [promescent.com] Brand Ambassador