Particularly if someone has survived sexual abuse, anything related to physical/sexual contact can be extremely overwhelming and terrifying. For these reasons, the safest person to practice with is…yourself. As a psychologist with a specialty in sex therapy, I help people talk with their partners about their trauma history, what “triggers” are, what makes them feel safe, and also how to communicate around how their trauma potentially affects their sexual relationship. When having sex with yourself, you don’t have to do this part. Masturbation is a great way to develop a sense of safety with sex again. It’s a wonderful starting point for reigniting your sexual self in a way that does not feel overwhelming.
You are the ultimate safest person to have sex with. Not only because the threat of STI’s is basically nonexistent, but also because you can trust yourself with how you utilize touch. In pursuit of processing through trauma in a healthy and meaningful way, part of this pursuit, especially for sexual abuse survivors is going to be a newfound relationship with sexual activity. Attempting to find pleasure again can be hard for some when sex is related to extremely difficult memories. Using masturbation as a way to broach this divide can aid in this process greatly. Think about it, you’re in charge of how hard, how slow, how much, how little. You’re in charge of where and when. There’s no pressure to perform, there’s no pressure from anyone else. You can stop whenever you want too! It’s all about your own pleasure and learning what feels safe and good. Safety is key when it comes to processing through trauma, and masturbation is one of the safest sex acts you can engage in—and I’m not talking about erotic asphyxiation, etc! That’s for another article ;).
Another important aspect is attempting to find pleasure through touch itself, not just orgasm. Don’t let yourself get focused on the endgame but rather just enjoy the ride. The more you focus on the process and small pleasurable movements, the safer and better it can start to feel. Use a cucumber. Use an eggplant. Make it fun (which emojibator does so effortlessly, sex can be lighthearted)! This can be the start of a delightful relationship with sex again. Also, be aware if it doesn’t feel fun yet and that’s okay too. Take it slow, do it at your own pace and talk to a professional if you feel you need more support. You may be able to find joy in a previous behavior that maybe started or already feels joyless. It’s possible and it’s also not farfetched.
By Dr. Sam Appel